Last night I left Tom a message right before he got up, telling him I was tired and was gonna go lay down. Also, if I fell asleep, to wake me up if he wanted to have fun. The original plan was to screw when he got up. I did fall asleep, though, and he left a message that I got when I got up at 5 AM, saying he expected grief for it, but that he just couldn’t wake me up. He is a polite, thoughtful guy, but I’m sure another reason why he didn’t wake me up was cuz he just doesn’t get that horny and desperate like I do. I wasn’t mad at him, though. I was mad at myself, cuz I promised him we’d screw when he got up. And even if it doesn’t matter to him as much as it does to me, and even though he could take it or leave it, I still gave my word.

It’s very unusual for me to fall asleep after being up only 14½ hours and it still feels like something’s trying to make sure we don’t have sex that much. But why now? It’s perfectly safe now. There’s no way I could get pregnant now.

The other day, Tom was telling me of an anecdote he’d heard. About this couple who were trying to get pregnant and couldn’t. As usual, the woman was all freaked out about it, but the man handled it just fine. Then they went to a doctor who told them they’d tried their best, done all they could on their own, so in 3 months they would be put through testing. But before they could get tested, she was pregnant. Yeah, I’m not surprised. Most women with problems do win in the end and do end up pregnant, but not this woman. Oh no, not me. I’m not gonna be one of those typical women who wins in the end and gets the baby. It’s not meant to be. I think I heard stats say that 10% of women have problems conceiving and that 8% somehow, manage to conceive in time. Yeah well, I’m just in that 2% of those who don’t and can’t conceive in time.

I’ve said that maybe God knows something I don’t, and maybe he knows he’s gonna change his mind in time, but that was just pure wishful thinking. However, maybe there is something else he knows that I don’t. It hurt really bad for years, knowing I couldn’t be a singer, but I got over it. Maybe he knows I’m gonna get over the kid and even be content and glad that we never did have a kid, but did he have to make me suffer all these years? Well, I just hope that when the next thing comes along that I want real bad, it won’t hurt. And if it does hurt, try not to make it be for so many years, OK God?

Later...

Just when I was thinking, wow, those dogs have been quiet all morning, the kids get out there and stir the fucking dogs up. I don’t mind the kids, but they fucking excite the dogs and then I have to deal with that all the more.

We screwed after he got home from work. Naturally, he was too tired to get off, though, cuz it was the end of his day. Oh well. Maybe tonight.

I sometimes still wonder if he doesn’t actually enjoy people waiting on him and if he’s still making sure he doesn’t cum that much. I asked him if he’s still gonna stick to our compromise and he said yes. Does he even realize, though, that part of this compromise means cumming during mid-cycle? And not just 1 day, but for 3 days? It’s the only way we’re ever gonna either prove or disprove my belief.

Anyway, he was my hero this morning. I accidentally replaced the Elm doc with another copy of my Oswego doc. So, he showed me how to restore it from the floppy disk I backed it up on. I was wrong, though, when I said I thought you’d have to search through each disk to find out where a particular file is. It tells you what disk it’s on by giving you the disk number.

There was a good God with me this time, though! I had just changed all my entry dates in the Elm file when I told myself I should back it up just in case. Just 5 minutes later was when I lost it cuz of the dumb mistake I made.

Anyway, if Dr. Bock gets a readable PAP, it’ll be for two possible reasons. She either knows what she’s doing, or it was cuz we didn’t screw for a few days prior to it. Yes, there’s always a price to pay for sex. Always a problem with it. God’s really hexed my sex life in all different kinds of ways from the get-go of it. If she gets a bloody PAP, that too, could be for two possible reasons. She, too, doesn’t know what she’s doing, or God’s just playing around with me and giving me a hard time. That’d be really low of him. If you’re gonna have the cruelty to sterilize a woman, can’t you at least let her have normal paps and let her go to the GYN just once a year and not 2 or 3 times? Jesus!

To expand on the subject of signs. Well, I think Gemini and Leo women are the biggest assholes. My bitchy sister is a Leo. So was Rosemarie. Also, Andy’s sign is very fitting for him. You know, Aqueerian, as he says.

Later...

I just called Ma (Tom’s), as I do every now and then, just to say hi. Someone was there measuring the room, cuz she’s getting new carpet for her living room and kitchen area which is shaped like an L. I thought Tom was gonna put down new carpet? They had talked about it. She said, though, that she felt that was too much to ask of him and that he does enough for enough people. Ain’t that true! I have a feeling, though, that Tom’s not gonna be happy about this. He likes to do stuff like this and he wouldn’t mind steady work for a few days, on top of all else he does. How do I feel about it? Well again, he likes the work and doesn’t mind the extra time and money, but I think it’d steal our already precious time, so I have mixed emotions about it. Still, that was sweet of her to consider this and since she’s the one being recarpeted, she has to do what she thinks is best and what’ll make her happy.