I haven’t heard the freeloaders since that last time. I swear these people are the most lazy-assed, crime-obsessed, sick assholes. They expect to be accepted in society, yet they carry on like rude, selfish, inconsiderate little fucks.

So I’m not perfect, but I think I’m making major progress in the area of giving up. I have no hope for my dream, I have no desire to try for it and do shit about it and am just so sick of the whole damn thing and the fight’s gone out of me. I’ve spent more than the bulk of my life fighting for things I’ve really wanted only to lose. I’ve spent more than the bulk of my life trying and working hard for things I’ve really wanted only to get nowhere. No fucking more! I don’t give a flying fuck when he fucks me and I promise this to myself right now - if there’s ever a few things that come along that I really want bad, I’m gonna set myself straight right away and remind myself I’ve fought enough. Don’t even try. I cannot have this.

I just want to quit, give up, not hope, not try, and just live my life as it is. I don’t know where the hell I ever got off doing something so stupid as to fight for a singing career, then a woman, then fight for something that’s supposed to be natural and God’s job? I don’t think so! There’s a reason why I wasn’t to have the things I’ve wanted most. The pattern is too clear. The more I wanted, the more it could never be, so there’s a reason for that and I’m not about to try to analyze it anymore. I’m beyond caring, these days, whether it’s a curse or not. People don’t usually throw their dreams away without a good reason and that’s exactly what I have - a good reason and no choice. I refuse to live a life of fighting for nothing and working for nothing. Not while I could be and should be enjoying what I do have. I’m not gonna be miserable, feel cheated or cursed, just cuz I can’t do or have anything I really want. I do have things I really want and that’s what matters. They weren’t things I thought of or expected, but I have them. They’re here and that’s obviously what was meant for me - the unthought of. The unexpected.

Call it a talent, call it whatever you want (our ability to always miss it), but we keep missing it for a reason. And if I’m really OK and if it is just a case of us missing it, then any couple that’s missed it for 9 months, is always going to miss it.

Meanwhile, I would like to find a home job. Something I can do at my own leisure. This may be an impossible fantasy, too, but it’s a hell of a lot more realistic than anything else I’ve ever set out to do and got into my crazy head that I would or could do. I don’t know about the woman, but there’s no way I could’ve handled any of the other things I’ve ever wanted if they had been handed to me for nothing and without even trying.

Anyway, my point is this, taking care of a baby is hard work, but making a baby isn’t supposed to be and should be hard work and you can call me a lazy-assed quitter. I want to work for something practical, realistic and that I can handle, but don’t know what it will be. If I have a destiny or any more of one, God will lead me to it, but I’m sure once again, it’s something I haven’t thought of or considered. The gifts and blessings that I do have, may take work to improve and maintain, but they came for nothing and without my putting effort into getting them in the first place, and that’s the way it should be. I know what’s meant to be and what’s not, and my years of fighting for shit I can’t have are completely and totally over. From now on, I’ll know better. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve learned to expect the unthought-of and the unconsidered. Like my song says, my life is about unplanned fate.

There are other little tidbits of stuff I could write about, but I want to go do some cleaning and cooking, so I’ll return later.

Later...

I said I didn’t care when he fucks me. Well, for the most part, this is true. However, there’s a part of me that would rather he didn’t touch me during prime time, cuz I just don’t want to be bothered with any bullshit or be set up for God to lead me on (possibly being a few days or even a week late for my rag). Well, it looks like I got my wish granted and that he’s given up as well, cuz from what I can see, the next time we’ll have time to do it, it’ll be too late (if he cums). If I were dumb enough to try and were OK, we wouldn’t stand a chance. Not with how he’s always so tired and busy and how my schedule isn’t always matching his. And not with how he could never cum during a certain few days in a row.