Tom did a good job getting the cooler going for the season and fixing the clogged drain in the tub.

He’s asleep now and I’m making pork chops and potatoes for us. He’ll have his when he gets up, of course.

We went to screw yesterday and I could tell from the get-go he really wasn’t into it and pinned it on me by saying I was the one that wasn’t into it. As soon as he noticed this, though, he used it as the perfect excuse to get out of the sex he wasn’t into. Only I could admit that I couldn’t get into it, but he couldn’t. It’s nothing that he did or anything that happened. My mind just kept drifting and I couldn’t stay focused on the task at hand. I really do suck in bed, though. It isn’t just all his age, or him being tired, sick or hurt. I’m just a bore in bed. Music and art may be my bag, but sex isn’t.

I’ve got 3 left out of the 10 books ma gave me to read. There was only one I didn’t like.

My period stopped yesterday, so now I have 26-28 days of freedom. I’m so proud of myself, though, for throwing out those papers and if Tom suggests we have fun at certain times, I’m gonna remind him, “I just want to have fun when we have fun. Let’s not try to control things we can’t control. If a child is meant to be, God will see to it that it happens and it doesn’t matter when we have sex or how often.”

I know now, that there’s nothing wrong with either of us. So all we can do is let God, fate and nature do whatever it’s going to do or not going to do, naturally.

Tom didn’t seem the least bit “defeated” yesterday. Somehow, I’m not surprised. I wonder now, did we ever really want a kid as much as we said we did?

Life is going to go on now for me. With freedom from worrying about God, fate, etc. I shall take whatever comes to me. Not try to make things come, not try to ward off things from coming. Obviously, I’ll use common sense, though. If I can ward off anything bad, of course I will. Who wouldn’t?

This has been the easiest cold Tom’s had since I’ve known him. He was pretty much back to normal yesterday and he says he thinks it’s just cuz he had been tired and hadn’t gotten enough sleep. And he expected to keep up with a kid? And I did? Like we wouldn’t be sick or even hospitalized? Like it wouldn’t affect our marriage? We both know how grouchy we are when we’re tired or not feeling well. Soon enough, I would experience feelings that most moms do: being a mom would quickly go from being exciting to a major chore and burden.

Later...

His mom. His mom. His mom! We are a family of 3. We do have someone to take care of. And Tom wonders why he gets so little sleep? Well, of course. Anytime you have to take care of someone else (I should know. When I had my ear done or got sick, I needed him to help me constantly), you lose sleep and don’t get into doing much of what you want to do. Or you do it much later than planned. I know this is selfish of me. I’m sure God’s gonna get me for it, too, and make sure that if I live to be old, no one will be there to help me when I need it. Maybe just a few abusive care workers. People who get paid to take care of people. Not people who want to take care of people. We will be tied down and we will be a family of 3 till she’s gone, but it’s too easy for me to say that. After her, someone or something else will get old or sick or hurt and need our help a lot. Or if not, maybe tons of people will need Tom to do tons of computer jobs.

Once again, I suppose I shouldn’t complain or be selfish. We all need other people’s help at times and we all grow old. Also, computer work makes Tom happy and extra money never hurts. Also, getting things done around here later is better than never. And lastly, like I said, fate is fate, so our time in bed is irrelevant. As well as when we’re in bed.

Having sex every day won’t make a baby result that isn’t meant to result. And screwing only once a month won’t avoid a baby that’s meant to be, either.