Something up there wants us to miss it. Something up there wants us to miss it. Something up there wants us to miss it.

This is all I can think of right now. Of all the days that he stands a good chance of being awake enough to have sex and get off when there’s a damn good chance we could hit it right, I had to go and screw it all up. I hate myself! Why the fuck did I have to be so fucking stupid and say the wrong thing and cause a fight and fuck up our whole evening together? Most of our fight was my fault, but something up there still is making us miss it. Something always comes up when we get the rare occasion to probably hit it right. This thing will always control us. It’ll never help us to make a child or allow us to make a child. I’ll never be able to give my husband and myself our dream. Never! Tonight was the perfect chance. Best chance we’ve had in a long time and I just had to blow it. I couldn’t tell myself, “Hey, you know your husband has many conditions that he needs and requires for sex, so watch what you say.” Instead, I had to open my big mouth.

Once again, I know the main problem was me, even though he said a few things he shouldn’t have and handled it poorly, but something up there is definitely making sure we miss it, but why? Why?! Why couldn’t it have just sterilized me for sure?

Yesterday, when I knew we couldn’t have sex, I said to myself, I’ll bet God set it up this way cuz I’m ovulating. So, I got curious and took my temperature but it was only 98.4. I couldn’t believe it. So, knowing we were gonna screw today and that today had to be the day, I was beginning to wonder if perhaps God was gonna give us a break for once. But after tonight’s fight, I knew. I knew I had to be ovulating and that this fight, no matter whose fault, was destined to stop us from having sex. So, I checked and I’m now 98.7 and it’s too late to make a baby. I’ll bet you I’m gonna get my period on the 3rd. I can guarantee it and then that’ll prove my theory/fear correct.

Something there does not want us to make a baby. Why? Why? Why?! Why wasn’t I just obviously sterilized instead, if a kid is so not meant to be? Like by making sure something went wrong to cause me to need a hysterectomy or something like that. Something obvious enough. Why must it tease me like this? I say tease me and not tease us, cuz I still believe Tom can live either with or without a kid, and that he’ll be fine either way, but why is he doing this to me? Am I that bad of a person? Is it just not time yet? Is it a curse? Is it to protect me or us? What did I do? Why is it doing this?

I’m too pissed off to get into the details of what happened now and scared. I’m scared of this thing that controls our lives and our bodies and that won’t let us make our own choices in life.

Later...

OK, I’ll get on with what’s going on. I don’t have anything else better to do, anyway.

I just wish I knew why God was so gung-ho about controlling me. Is it a case of him looking out for me and not giving me something I can’t handle? Or is it a curse? Well, I did say I was sick of analyzing this whole thing and I’ll never know the truth, anyway. Just that we’ll never have a child. I’ve got to get on with life, not let God or the truth get the better of me!

I’m under his power and I must do and be what he says and there’s nothing I can do about it. The bright side to all this is that I don’t have to wonder if we hit it right, then get all bummed out when my rag comes to zap me back to reality and remind me that a kid ain’t meant to be.

Anyway, what happened is this - he felt I was too pushy about wanting to know about a conversation he had with Andy, that I interrupted his live basketball game on TV, and that I would not let him tell me the story the way he wanted to, and that I made him say something he didn’t want to say.

I know that the bulk of what happened was my fault, but it really burned me up to hear him tell me that I made him say something. If he didn’t want to say what he said, why’d he say it? He told me he was gonna tell me the general discussion that he and Andy had, but was gonna let Andy tell me the details. So why could he? Cuz I was anxious to hear about it? Cuz he said something he didn’t want to, then felt he couldn’t retell the story the way he wanted to tell it in the first place? I mean, this whole thing, regardless of who’s more to blame, is just totally stupid.

Why did we both (especially me) have to go and throw away the whole night, just cuz of a stupid communication problem? Why couldn’t we both just let it go and move on? Why does he have to have so many conditions when it comes to sex? Why does nearly everything have to spoil his desire for sex? I mean, I suppose he can’t help being the way he is, but it’s a bummer. It makes it hard and since he’s tired, busy, hurt, sick or just unable to get off most of the time, it’s gonna be just about as impossible as can be to beat this thing that’s making sure we have our fights and are tied up, sick, tired, or whatever when I’m ovulating. Yes, we had the fight ourselves, but it’s quite a coincidence that these things and other things come up at the wrong times, huh? There’s always something going on to make sure we miss it and I’m so fucking sick of it and of being controlled and told what to do way more so than most people in my life. All I need now is for something to control my body and life and tell me what I can or can’t do with it. How can we make it stop? How can we make it go away? How can we beat it? We can’t. It’s always gonna be there to make sure there’s no way for us to have sex, or sex with him cumming, when the time is right. Why does it have to tease me this way? Why doesn’t it just do my plumbing in? There’s no way this could be the case of it just not being the right time yet. After all this time? I don’t think so. If a child were meant to be, it’d definitely have been by now.

Think of all those women out there who don’t want to use birth control for whatever reason and they go about doing the rhythm method with so much worry and fear and then end up pregnant. They’d envy us. So many women would kill to be in our situation. A preset, guaranteed, no-fail, perfect rhythm method. That’s what we’ve got. A rhythm method that we don’t even have to try for or work at. Well, didn’t I say the things that come to us in life, come easy? They come for nothing. We don’t have to try for them or work for them.

The brighter side of the night was the fact that Tom scanned all my drawings into the computer. All the ones I’ve done over the last several months. It’s been close to a year since the last time we scanned my drawings in. I’m gonna print out copies for Tammy, but I’ll hold off on my parents’ copies since they might be out here. I may mail some to Larry, Sandy and Jen, too.

Then we also cleaned up some directories and got rid of some games we’re not into on the computer.

God has always known when my folks would be out here. Could he just be waiting till after they visit? No. No way. It’s not meant to be.

If it’s a curse and if for some reason he can’t do anything and can’t make us both be able to handle it, maybe it’s not just me he’s looking out for. Maybe he feels Tom couldn’t handle it physically, either, and that it’d do a number on his mental state, too. Not to mention what it’d do to our marriage. Our marriage is still way better than most people’s will ever be. I’m sure we both want to keep it that way and I’m sure God agrees.

Like I said, he said some pretty stupid things that were senseless, confusing, and unnecessary, but all I could do was think, why did I have to blow it?! And, something up there’s keeping us from making a baby!

We just really ought to cut out making time for each other, as well as sex. It causes too many problems.