I realized that I didn’t explain what I meant when I said we were teasing Mom over what I said she had said. Well, when she first went into the hospital and was still out of it, she kept saying, “Do you hear what I see?”

Tom finally finished and brought his label printing program to AMEX and just like I knew it’d be, it was a hit! In two weeks, we’ll be going to the store to do some fun shopping. We still owe each other holiday shopping. We never got to use any Chanukah, Christmas or birthday money, cuz we were still a bit behind back then.

We spoke to my mom yesterday. I didn’t know she wanted the motel info mailed to her. I thought she wanted us to call her and that she’d take the info over the phone and write it down. That’s OK, though. I had a letter ready to go out to them, anyway, and I enclosed the names of the two motels we saw and their addresses and numbers. Both the local ones and the 800 ones.

He came home from work, then went out to the store. Then he left again at 7:30. When he came back at 10:00 he asked, “How did they come in?” I knew right away he was talking about next door, even though there’s usually no one there at that time on a Monday. I didn’t hear a thing. I didn’t even hear a thing when he left. It’s been so wonderful. I don’t miss knowing when they were home and when they were leaving. It’s none of my business and I don’t ever want it to be my business. Not forcefully, anyway, but when I’m going out the door or peering out a window, that’s different. Tom’s theory is that they haven’t been getting along and he thinks that his blaring music always did bug her and that he just didn’t want to turn it down when she or I asked him to, cuz he felt he was being controlled and not asked a small favor politely. Now, he thinks he’s being good so he can see the kid. I never knew or thought that the music bothered her. If so, he’s not being good to see the kid. If he’s like most guys, and if Tom’s right, he’s being good for the sex. He just better stay quiet, whether it’s cuz of her, someone else setting him straight or cuz he took a medication whose side effects are being considerate of those around him.

I think that the reason he blasted in and out of here in the past was for the same reason others do that (among many other things they do to create noise) and that is that it’s for attention. That old ‘hear me’ obsession most folks seem to have. Besides not giving a shit about others.

I’m still 108, having slight pre-cramps, but my emotions aren’t nearly as bad as last month, thankfully. I am still a bit unhappy. I mean, in just a few days I’ll be reminded of how sterile I am and just who owns and operates this body. I don’t control it, I just live in it. I think, though, that God will allow me to lose the weight one of these days. He has in the past and I don’t see how or why he’d start changing what he lets me do with my body and what he doesn’t let me do with it.

Tom says he looks at the so-called bright side to my rags and that is, according to him, that they’re a reminder that I’m a whole woman whose plumbing works just fine. You can get periods and still be sterile, I reminded him. Also, even though I have all my parts, and even if there is nothing wrong with them, God can do whatever he wants. You know, as in making sure nothing hooks.

Later...

After next week, he’s still gonna do what he said he was gonna do and all that, but he said to just start with this week. He said that if he isn’t cumming more by next Monday, I can let him have it then. Oh, brother! I asked him how he knew things were gonna be so different all of a sudden. He said it’s nothing he can put a finger on, but it just is. Then I asked him why he didn’t cum a lot in the past if he knew he could now. He said cuz we’re in a different situation now, times have changed and we’ve progressed enough sexually. Still, he’s full of shit and he’s not fooling me. Why is he doing this? Do you know how many times in the past he’s said this or similar stuff and that I’d be pregnant? Now, he’s gonna suddenly squirt like hell and I’m gonna be pregnant? Please! Then he goes on and on about how things are more possible and likely than ever before and that we just have to hit it right. Yeah, he’s said stuff like this before. When is he gonna get the hint? When is he gonna see that not only can he not cum as much as he says he’s gonna, but that I’m sterile? We can’t hit it right, cuz there’s nothing to hit. The thing that kills me is that I can’t read his mind and see what’s going on in it. Does he really believe this? Is he really delusional? Or is just playing with me, while he’s smoothly and boldly BSing me and knowing it, too? Is he looking forward to me letting him have it next Monday? Is this what he wants? If he doesn’t really believe what he’s telling me - why would he want to hurt me? Why would he want to tell me that these impossible things will happen? Just to try to cheer me up and tell me what I want to hear? It’s ironic that he started telling me this when I got really into the PMS zone. And by next Monday, my period should be pretty much over. I just wish I knew the truth as to what’s really on his mind. But I know he’s not gonna cum more and I know I’m not gonna get pregnant, but what does he really truly think and believe? I guess I can never know if he really believes what he says or is deliberately BSing me, can I?

Believe it or not, yesterday I read one whole book, plus a third of another. I really love the books Ma gave me. They’re totally me and I like their larger print and the fact that they have 140-210 pages and not such tiny print with 400-500 pages.

Also, the trailer’s been here for a few days and I’m surprised it’s been here all day today and yesterday. It usually leaves in the early to mid-morning. The good of it is that I haven’t heard a peep out of that damn dog.