I have had a few light spots today, but I marked it down on my period chart, as Rugg told me to do.

Before I forget, according to Tom, rabbits shed their winter fur. I never had rabbits long enough to know this, but that’s what the sudden loss of fur was all about.

We also learned after I took the pregnancy test, that if you’re pregnant, it won’t say so till at least one day after a missed period.

I still have mixed emotions about our sex life, God, fate, the fertility program, and his mother. I love his mother dearly and if I were in her shoes, I’d want someone to help me when I needed it, but half our lives are about his mother. Half of our time is gonna be devoted to her till after she’s gone. Of course, after she’s gone, it’ll be something or someone else we’ll need to spend a lot of time tending to. Tom and Mary do most of the helping her out. Evie and David do a little, but would probably do more if they weren’t tied down with kids. Nora and Ray don’t do shit. That’s mainly cuz they’ve got their own problems, though.

I knew this I’m-gonna-cum-more-by-Monday thing was a bunch of bull, even if we had the time, but we’re just never gonna have time for us and to live for us and to do for us, are we? Everything’s what we can do for others. What we need to do for others. I just still wish there could be a happy medium, but I don’t want to tell Tom how I feel. I’m afraid that’d hurt his feelings and that I’d look selfish in his eyes. Besides, it’s obvious that something doesn’t want us to spend much time together. It’s obvious that something wants Tom to be tired most of the time. It’s obvious that if I’m truly OK, something doesn’t want us making a baby and as for the fertility people - I still have my fears and doubts about it. I don’t like the thought of having to “work” for and “earn” a child. If I’m not worthy or deserving of it now (OK or not), then what’s to say I ever will be? Nothing. Also, I still fear retaliation from upstairs for going and trying to mess with fate, which I couldn’t do anyway. I know a child isn’t in my cards. I’m not gonna bow down to God and fight for something I can’t have when this is something that’s supposed to happen naturally. Without fighting tooth and nail for it. Still, more than most women don’t fight or try and they get it by accident. Kids have kids all the time. I’m sick of being different. I’m sick of fighting. I’ve watched people get even the things in life that you’d think would have to be worked for and fought for, handed to them on a silver platter. I’m just so sick of fighting, being different, almost never being lucky, etc. Can’t something ever just come to me? Without my having to fight tooth and nail, work my ass off for it, and without my having to earn and deserve it? Why do I have to pray to God for a child only to be ignored, while some 15-year-old who didn’t ask for a kid, gets one? Life is really sick and unfair and I’m sick of kissing ass to these things. I really wish I could snap my fingers and not want a child. I’d really rather forget the kid and keep going as I am. It’d be so much easier and I don’t have a choice. Something up there hates me and is determined to see me forever childless. It’s not gonna change its mind, whether I’m OK or not.

Andy didn’t come over last night cuz he got company and it was getting towards the end of my day.

It was funny how Andy told me how he’d been looking for the perfect person to “decompose” his songs, and that the perfect person had been right under his nose all along. He said, “The bitch has perfect pitch!” Then he said, “No offense, but why didn’t I think of this earlier? And you said you’d help me, too.” 

So, one of these nights while Tom’s at work, we’ll work on his songs.

Later...

Tom’s still not home. Jesus! He’s been up nearly 24 hours. Yup, he does want to be tired and busy and bullshit me. And yup, he is a bit hesitant about making the kid. I’m sure it’s also a part of his determination to instill patience in me, among God knows what else. I’m gonna tell him, “Look. Stop being a smooth and bold liar. Stop telling me you, or us, are gonna do things that you know aren’t possible.” Then after he claims to not be lying, I’ll remind him that he knows all he has to do is say he’s not lying and that I can’t prove otherwise, but I’m not stupid. I know what the fuck’s up with him and going through his mind and I’m so sick of it. If making a kid really isn’t his top priority or if there’s something about it that puts him on edge, why can’t he be man enough to tell me? Is he afraid I couldn’t deal with it? Is he afraid I’ll get pissed at him?

Today I put the Snoopy flag out.

Also, that brown piece of shit that drives by blaring music stopped today for about 3 minutes where this street forms a T with the street that runs alongside us. It looked like he may have been buying drugs from someone in the house where that band used to play. Cuz after the brown car took off, it looked like the Hispanic lady who lives there was getting into a red van behind it. It seemed like they may have known each other or talked to each other and like it could’ve been a drug buy. I would believe it if it was.

As a matter of fact, that brown car, which I think is a Pinto, just went down the street again. Yeah, I’d say it’s definitely some ass selling dope.

Later...

I told Tom of my decision to do the journals on the computer only. He likes the pretty covers of the different journals, though. Yeah, I know. Me too, but I did weigh the pros and cons of doing them just on the computer and the way I’ve been doing it and I’ve decided this is it. If I ever do find journals with cactuses and palm trees, I can still get them and do something else with them. Like he said, though, I’m the one who writes the journals, so it’s up to me to decide how and where to do them.

Yuck! Right now my fake ear canal is itching like hell. I threw some hydrocortisone cream in there.

OK, can’t think of anything else to say, so I’m off to go play solitaire and proofread.