Well, today’s the day I see Rugg. God’s been kind enough to hold off my period, but will he be kind enough to see to it that I only have to see Rugg once? And that they’ll do something ASAP as far as the inhaler goes? Something that’ll let me lose this weight? I hope so! However, that seems too smooth. Too easy. Nothing in life ever goes that smoothly or easily.

Got a letter from Kim yesterday. Not much new with her.

Also yesterday, Tom surprised me and brought home a pregnancy test. I thought he either forgot about it or changed his mind. It upset me more than I thought it would. I told him it’s not his fault, he didn’t do anything wrong, but never again will I ever take a pregnancy test. I need to move on in life and this wasn’t helping. I can’t play fantasy games like this and expect to forget about the baby and get on with life, even if there’s nothing to get onto but what I already have. I don’t know why he was so interested in how these tests work when his wife is sterile, for God’s sake. He said he’s just a curious type of guy. Yeah, well, I think he’s playing games. Just like with this so-called game of more sex and more cumming.

Yesterday, he had been up for ages but said that just cuz we’re gonna have days like that, doesn’t mean we can’t have more sex. Anyway, as soon as I took hold of his dick; not a chance! I said to myself. It was so limp. He very rarely gets that limp. Of course he was too tired to cum. Even if we could find the time for more sex, he’ll almost always be too tired to cum. Or his heart races too much. Or he’s sweating too much. He always has a problem. So, even if we screwed daily, there’s no way he could cum sooner than a week and a half to two weeks. Then he reminded me of how I swore he never could cum in the first place. True. And I did tell him that I’d give him all the opportunities to prove himself.

I still wonder about this, though. I really feel and sense he’s just playing games, trying to hurt me and I’m asking myself, what did I do for this? Why is he such a bold liar? Why can’t he just admit he has his limits, just like we all do in different areas, and see that I’m sterile?

When I got up today, I noticed something very very weird in Piggy and Bunny’s cage. There’s this bluish fur that Bunny was nesting in. Where the hell did it come from? I’ll have to see if Tom knows anything about it. It can’t be Bunny’s fur. Bunny’s fur is jet black and there’s so much fur there that he’d have to be partially bald if that was the fur he lost.

After seeing Rugg, we’ll be going over to Ma’s to hear all about the baby, then he’s gonna drop me off and run some errands. Ma briefly asks about what’s going on with us, but it’s mainly all about what’s going on with the baby and their family. We’re just not as interesting, being the fact that we’re childless. I know, though, that it’s not that Ma doesn’t care about us, as little as we have to offer, to talk about, to interest or excite her with, and I suppose I’d be the same way if I were her. Actually, Tom does have things to offer her. His time, rides when she needs them, and his ability to fix stuff around the house.

I think he’s gonna be fixing a computer that Eileen’s gonna be selling. She’s gonna pay him, too. AMEX won’t be sending his check for $200 for that label printing program for two weeks.

Within a month (maybe), we’re gonna each take about $100 to do fun shopping with. Also, we’re gonna get him more boxers and us both new shorts. I got so fat that I have about 2 pairs of shorts that fit me, 3 skirts and 1 pair of long pants. I also need bigger bras and panties.

Later...

The doctor’s appointment went even better than I suspected it would. I thought I’d have to see Dr. Rauche or that she’d have to talk to him first, before switching my prescription, but she did it right then and there. She gave me an inhaler named Vanceril and said that if this caused problems too, they would switch me back to Azmacort.

I didn’t think she was gonna bring up a certain personal issue and I had no intention of mentioning it, due to being desperate to get off this Aerobid so I could lose weight and not be so moody. She did ask if I still wasn’t using contraceptives, then noticed I seemed a bit worried. I told her, though, that my husband and I thought it was too early to pursue the issue and that I trusted he’d get off more often, just like he came in the first place like he said he would. She agrees that he’ll cum more often, too, in time.

Tom may be right about the DES not being such an issue. She said anything’s possible, the DES does make sterility a bit more likely, but as long as I’m getting periods and have the parts, she too, thinks we may just not have hit it right. Also, you know how I’ve said they can’t “un-DES” me? Well, according to her, they can fix any damage the DES may have done. I was shocked to hear this. She also said that in order to start the fertility program, they require unprotected sex for 12 months, but that now’s a good time to take some steps to hopefully avoid having to go in July (that’ll be 12 months). That’s when she gave me a basal temperature chart, explaining that new research shows that it’s not the best time to have sex right when the egg pops out, but right before it pops out. You always ovulate 14 days before your period. That never changes. But since no one has a crystal ball to tell us when I’ll get my period, she recommends taking my best guess, narrowing it down to a few days, then having sex 14 days prior to that for a few days. In other words, if I’m due on the 20th, 21st, or 22nd, have sex on the 13th, 14th and 15th. That’s easier said than done, though. We could have sex on all the right days, but could he cum on all the right days?

Anyway, she also did a bacterial test which the fertility people would require, in case we do see them. I’m still a bit superstitious about seeing a fertility doctor and I still believe I’m not meant to be a mom. If I am OK and if the DES didn’t screw me up in any way, then there’s God. If he intends to make sure we never hit it right, no fertility specialist can do a thing about that.

Rugg also confirms that yes, spotting and even some kind of bleeding during pregnancy is common. You can even bleed when you’d normally get a period. It’s not a good sign, but it happens.

The testing is all covered, but I didn’t know that the stuff they can give you to make your eggs release is covered too. That’s nice to know, but then your chances of multiple births go up and I don’t want more than one child. To have one child is enough and with two, they always fight, get jealous of each other for so many reasons and one always feels less special, no matter how well the parents try to balance the time and attention they get. I know I always felt that I was number 3 out of my mom’s kids and I’d never want to make any kid feel like they weren’t number one just like the others unintentionally and certainly not intentionally. Not to mention the fact that one kid’s costly enough and I don’t know if I can survive just one pregnancy and delivery.

I think that in the end, we’ll just have to see if he cums more and if God will let us hit it. It’s hard at times, but I’ll try to take Tom’s word for it; that we’ll hit it. I don’t think the basal temp would be a good idea. I’m bad with numbers and also, Tom feels pressured when he’s got timetables on him and when he’s made to feel like sex is a job. We still want to have fun, too. Not put all our energies into making a baby. So, I doubt we’ll ever do this basal thing, but he says not to throw away the papers she gave me on it so we can keep our options open. It’s basically the rhythm method in reverse that we want to do.

I told her I was a bit superstitious and that I believed something up there didn’t want me to have a kid. Then she asked me if I ever thought that whatever’s up there does want me to have one, but that maybe it wants me to work through some issues first. Yes. Many times I’ve thought about it. But what issues? How will I know if I’m working hard enough on these issues? How will I know when I’m done working on these issues? I just wish that God could see me as fit enough for a child now, ready enough for a child now and just let us have it by accident. I mean, look at these drug addicts that have a hell of a lot more issues to work through than I’ve ever had that get pregnant without even trying. All by accident. Well, I did say many times that his standards for me and his expectations for me are much higher and different than most folks. I seem to have to be better than good and work like hell to get most things, while the rest of the world can fuck up and get most things handed to them on silver platters. Well, I hope he gives us a break. For once, I hope he does! In this day and age and after all the trying we’ve done and efforts we’ve made to improve ourselves and our lives, I don’t think a child is too much to ask for. I don’t think it’s a selfish thing to ask for or something that’s not very humbling of me, so to speak, to say it’s not fair that we have to fight tooth and nail for this and watch other murderers and the like succeed easily.

She also did do a PAP exam, even though I’m really close to my period.

Then she sent me to the lab to give urine and blood so they can test for any kind of bad bacteria that can prevent pregnancy and test my thyroid gland.

Later...

Tom finally got the flag up. I like it a lot where it’s at now. Instead of stemming off of the patio roof at an angle, it’s stemming straight out of the block wall. It’s in the corner by the farthest front corner of the pool. Why I like it there, is cuz you can get a better view of it there and it’s not in the way. I like the pole straight out, rather than angled. You can see the flag better this way.

I think I covered the basics of what Rugg and I discussed. Tom was right in saying the appointment would go well. Now, I just hope he’s right about us not needing to see any fertility people in July, but like Rugg said, there are no guarantees. It could be the DES, it could be my fallopian tubes are sucked shut, it could be me not ovulating, etc. It does look like, however, that she and Tom are right about the DES not being such a big deal, but yes, it still does up the risk of sterility somewhat.

She also told me something else shocking. That most infertile couples can be helped! Really? I thought it was the other way around.

Anyway, this is what Tom and I agreed on doing. I’m gonna get a period tomorrow or the next day (she said to mark it down, whether it’s a spot or not). Then, we’ll continue to have more sex (and hope to hell he squirts more). Then, after I get the period after this one coming real soon, then we’ll count and decide whether or not I should do the temp thing, too. Hopefully, this won’t cause such a hardship for him in any way. For now, though, I’m going to try my best to relax and hope for the best. It’s really great to have all this worry off of me and to be feeling better and happier.

I called Tammy and told her all about the visit to Rugg, too.

After seeing Rugg, we went to Ma’s. She didn’t go on and on about you know what, but she sure looked awful. Very weak. We’re worried about her, but tonight she’ll be staying at Mary’s.

OK, I think I’ve now covered all I had to say. If I remember any more, and I’m bound to, I’ll jot it in.