God only gave me partial rights to my lungs both yesterday and today when I got up. At least it wasn’t as bad as that attack I had about a week ago and I got it under control real fast. I’m supposed to start off with 4 hits twice a day or the Vanceril. Then go to 2 hits twice a day, but I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get by on just 2 hits twice a day.

We are waiting to get our caller ID box. Our main purpose in getting it is that this family of 3 needs to know when to take care of Ma. She couldn’t call for help the last time cuz she couldn’t talk. She was alone for many hours until Mary showed up and got her to the hospital. This way if we see her number on the box, but don’t hear anything or the message sounds funny, we’ll get over there ASAP. I guess the phone company already turned us on for caller ID, cuz Andy wanted to know why he couldn’t leave us a message without unblocking his unlisted number line. I guess the phone company set it up that way, but Tom said he’ll call the phone company tomorrow and then we’ll decide how to set it up. The only thing is, is that we’re asking for a lot of problems with the phone company for getting caller ID. US West is so screwed up that the more services you have, the more problems you have, and I don’t know if I can count on my procrastinating husband to call the phone company when there’s a problem, so I guess I’ll have to. Just like with letting the records company we’re in know not to send anything this month, on AOL. He said to leave the card by the computer and that he’ll throw it away when he’s done. Why hasn’t he done it? What’s taking him so long? Is he waiting for us to get a CD we don’t want or is this the patience thing again? He’s been on AOL several times in the last several days.

Of course there’s no use in telling him any of what I just said, cuz then I just get called a nag.

I was wrong this time around as far as him doing for others on time. He was supposed to make a quick change with Eileen’s computer, then have it back to her the next day. It’s been about a week now, though, but he’s bringing it back to her within the next couple of days.

Regardless of the fact that God’s gonna do whatever he’s gonna do, it’s out of our hands, not up to us, I still feel confused. I mean, yes, I do want a baby. I want a baby like yesterday. However, I still have my fears and doubts about that which I’ve written many times and I’d rather see my folks first.

Well, we do have a natural talent for missing them eggs of mine, be it God’s will or not. We’ve missed it for 9 months now, so I don’t see why we shouldn’t keep on missing it. If God knows something I don’t, and if he doesn’t really hate me and does me and does plan to bless us with a child, you gotta be talking at least 1-3 years from now. I also know that Tom’s not stupid. I think he knows how I feel about deliberately going out of our way to try to hit it right and do God’s work for him and that visiting my folks and being pregnant at the same time, would be too much to handle. So, I’m sure he’ll start to avoid sex at the likelier times to conceive. I found myself gazing at a calendar last night and it hit me - if he got off during 3 particular days, I could get pregnant. So, when I realized it’s so easy for the average woman to get pregnant and that it’s really not that hard to hit it right, I thought about making up excuses to avoid sex during those possible days, but that’d look too obvious and I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. If we’re ever going to hit it right, I don’t see how or why it’d be before my folks get here. Also, if God should decide it’s time and that it’s meant to be, he’ll make sure we hook up even at the least likely times if he has to. God can do anything. There’s a time to die and a time to be born. We all die, but we all don’t have the right to bear life and I believe I’m one of them, so I’ll leave it in his hands. That’s all we can do. That’s all anyone can do when it comes to something that’s a part of nature. He’ll do what’s right and what’s best, whether he truly hates me or not. And whether he’s cursed me or punished me or not. It doesn’t make sense for us to hit it right before they come out here if we’re ever gonna be allowed to do so, so that’s what I shall expect.

Today, I’ve started taking action to lose weight, but I still don’t know if that’ll be possible. God has allowed it in the past, but has he changed his rule as far as that goes? I don’t even lose weight in my sleep no more. You’re supposed to wake up a couple of pounds lighter, but I’ve been holding at 108, about as well as Gizzy hangs onto his wheel. The damn weight just won’t come off and my metabolism is shot. Tom says it’s too soon after stopping the Aerobid. I guess that by April 1st, I’ll know if the Vanceril’s doing the same thing as far as the weight problem goes, or if God’s telling me my thin days are over no matter what.

Later...

I made spag for Tom, of which I had a very small portion. I can’t have a Slim-Fast shake, cuz we’re out of milk. That’s OK. I’m pretty sure that if I really am gonna ever lose weight, it’ll have to be by starving for a few days and having just liquids. Well, for now, I’ll try to liquidate myself as best I can and see what happens.

We’re going to be heating up the pool and going swimming tomorrow. Then out to do some clothes shopping and maybe I’ll get some mugs and puzzles. I still won’t need any journals for a while.

I haven’t heard from Paula or from her friend, so maybe she is in jail.

Also, still no mail from Rugg saying all’s fine, so I don’t know what that means.