God, what did I do to my shoulder? I must’ve strained a muscle somehow, but I’ve been taking ibuprofen to bring down the inflammation and am sure it’ll be fine soon enough.

Due to the heat and monsoon humidity, the pool is like bathwater. It’s actually kind of warm.

The Humane Society sent me 3 animal cards that say “thank you” on them. The ones with the cats and dogs went on my boring sketchbook cover and I’ll send the lamb to Mom and Dad.

When I got up Tom was on AOL researching medical stuff for Ma whose white and red blood cell counts aren’t too good and sending a message to someone with a computer question. I asked him if he was typing me a letter and he said no, but he would. So he sent me a nice and funny little message and I replied later.

Ma made it back from CA safe and sound and Mary and Dave drove in safe and sound last night, but I guess there was a little more to their plane ordeal. Mary told Mom who told Tom who told me that as soon as they took off, there was trouble. I guess they knew they had to come right back right away and they couldn’t get above 3000 feet and one of the engines caught fire. It was on the news all over the country and Bill heard about it (I told my mom and Tammy and Bill over the phone and in a letter Larry). Due to Tammy’s ex-asshole who was a pilot, we came to learn a lot about planes. And you know me, unlike most people, I love flying and am not afraid. Therefore, I’d have been like Mary who was cool, calm and collected, cuz I know that a plane can fly just fine for a while on one engine and that most problems can be dealt with safely. Meaning, most of the time, you can survive. Even most crashes are survivable. Mary said she didn’t get scared till she saw all the fire trucks and ambulances as they landed, but again, they always go out as a precautionary measure. That’s standard. Dave, though, really lost it. He was crying, leaning on Mary as they left the plane and not only will he never fly again, he’s now afraid of elevators. And also, as they were driving through the mountains to return here, he was very tense and nervous, the poor guy.

I just thank God for not killing them.

Nothing major has broken out yet next door, but boy I’ll tell you, they must’ve slammed their car doors at least 15 times a day in the last few days. That I know of, he’s only played his music once at an OK volume. There will be something breaking out, though, tomorrow. Believe it or not, I feel terribly guilty for this, but what’s done is done and the letter’s already gone out. I thought about telling Tom but then decided not to since he doesn’t need to know about it, cuz it’s not something that’ll affect his life. So, using my best judgment, I’d say it’s best to keep my mouth shut. He’d just be disappointed in me, but like I said, if it were something I did that’d affect him or us, then of course I’d have to speak up.

I know I’m in for severe punishment for what I’ve done, but I expect that and will accept it maturely. I sometimes pray to God about non-baby stuff, cuz I know there is a chance he’ll listen to anything else but cries for a baby. I told him that I knew what I did was wrong and that if he must punish me for it (even though denial of a child is punishment enough), I’ll take whatever he must dish out to me.

I sent a letter to Joely with no return address, saying that I met Mike a handful of months ago, he said he hadn’t been with anyone for a while, had no kids, we got serious, he got me pregnant with twins, etc. Then I found out through someone who saw us in a restaurant and knew him, when I went into the bathroom and ran into this person again, that he had been with her on and off, had a kid, was told where they lived, etc. I wouldn’t give my name, cuz I thought it was best not to and neither did the woman that told me all about Mike give me her name. I said I told Mike he must leave, I’ll raise the kids alone, he couldn’t see them, and that I felt she had a right to know about this, my heart went out to her, she’s a victim too, etc.

I don’t know why I bothered to do such a thing since God will make sure she believes him and that they get noisy. I should’ve known this and known better. I’m really in for it now, cuz I know she’s been with him on and off for years, so she’s not gonna toss him out for good now. No way. She’ll believe him and he’ll stay.

Later...

Just one ibuprofen when I woke up and one more 4 hours later, hasn’t done much for my shoulder. I’d like to think that this is my punishment for that letter, but I know better. I know God knows that a sore shoulder ain’t shit compared to having them bass in and party more often, but now I wonder something else. Is this really Mike driving that maroon car? He didn’t need a U-Haul to move out last fall, but I could’ve sworn that while my folks were here, Tom told me he saw he was now driving that, but last night he said he didn’t say that. Well, if Tom’s not covering for and protecting him, could this be a new boyfriend? I thought I saw some guy I’d never seen before in their backyard last weekend. If this is a new guy, which I doubt, is this why there’s been either no music or soft music? If it’s him, and if she’s ordered him not to blast it so as not to see me for fear that he’d like what he saw, then yes, this letter might get to her if she’s the jealous, paranoid type.

I thought I heard a car door there just now, but I can’t be sure cuz it was soft this time, but I wonder if I’ll hear car doors up till 10 PM like last night. This could be either in regard to me, more company cuz of him, or the asshole keeps getting things from his car, but who knows? Earlier, I did see the security door wide open again, like maybe Mikey, or whoever, was moving more shit in.

I also haven’t heard one bark from over there since the two times I last did and since the one time Tom thought he did.

I’m still pretty sure that that’s him driving that car and living there now and that that letter may cause a reaction out of her, but it won’t get him kicked out.

I also am still sure that I’ll be in for a hell of a punishment, as we all know I’m not one of those rewarded for wrongdoings by God. It’ll be much much more than a sore shoulder, too, but I asked for it. I must take it and deal with it.

Next, I have an update on Shelly, but let me go down two ibuprofen first.

Later...

Last night Shelly came into my mind and this whole thing of not hearing from her nagged me. I thought once again about Tom and my initial theory that I reminded her of a bad time in her life, but something was off about that. Shelly just seemed too strong for that to be such a problem with her and knowing how she has never had a problem with speaking her mind, it seemed she would’ve told me if she had a problem with me contacting her up front. Then I started to feel that maybe something was wrong. I couldn’t resist settling my curiosity any longer, so I called. I began by telling her that I understood if it was a case of my representing a bad time in her life, bringing back bad memories and opening old wounds. I just wanted to thank her for looking out for me back then and was glad to know we were both the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives and this is true for me, even if Tom and I have a strange sex life and even if I can never have a kid.

Yeah well, something was wrong, all right. She is not happy. Far from it. Her typical male of a husband has been cheating on her and she’s probably going to be going through a messy divorce and is scared, depressed, confused, hurt, angry, frustrated and is going through all those emotions, feelings and beliefs right now that I only know so very well.

Later...

God, I’m sick of these sales calls! I’m tired of getting up to see the box say it’s just some asshole salespeople that hound us every day and that just don’t give up, so if the phone rings again - fuck it.

Anyway, Shelly said she didn’t call cuz she not only had nothing but bad news but cuz of her emotional state and that it had nothing to do with me.

She said she’d love to get away just for a weekend and come see me, but it doesn’t look like she’ll be able to afford it till she figures out what she’s doing from here. She made it sound like she’s gonna be leaving him, cuz she knows the statistics on cheating and that once a cheater always a cheater. Yes, it’s just like with rapists and molesters. She said she didn’t think this would happen and was so sure she found the perfect guy and that this wasn’t the first time he’d cheated. She said it started when she was pregnant with her second kid which she had with him, then again after it was born. Another case of a marriage falling apart due to pregnancy and having a kid, not that it’s her fault at all. As much as I’d still have a kid if I could, perhaps my sterility really is more of a protection thing than a curse. Anyway, she said he was also in jail for attempted rape and that she’s getting ripped off as far as their stuff goes since she trusted him and had most everything in his name. She says she may have to move into an apartment. Also, her mother is siding with him and her brother has crashed at their place cuz he just left the woman he was with for 4 years.

Her kids are taking it hard, naturally, and she says she doesn’t know how she’s gonna start over. She says she knows she can go it alone, but feels that at 31 she’s lost everything, all her hopes and dreams and that she’s got to start all over again from God knows where.

They just decided to start slamming car doors so I lost my train of thought. Now, where was I? I guess I could say that I’m very sorry for her and to see that this great life she seemed to have gotten has fallen apart on her. My heart really goes out to her, but at least I know now what’s been happening and am no longer wondering.

I told her to never hesitate to call me anytime, no matter what news she has, and I’ll listen to her and help in any way I can and that I know all the emotions she’s going through. I reminded her that I’ve had plenty of times where I was trapped and things looked hopeless and how they do now, as far as a baby goes. I reminded her that I can never have that and that sometimes that’s very hard to deal with, so I know all about hopeless dreams.

She’s got a restraining order on him now, is back in counseling, and I guess she’s gonna be in court a lot. She feels like she has no family support and that he’s pinning it all on her and won’t come clean and own up to his own faults.

She said she got the pictures and said I looked just how she pictured I’d look. I told her I’d back off and give her space from the phone and from letters if she’d like, but she said it was OK to call her and that she needed stuff through the mail and to write jokes and funny stuff to make her laugh. Oh, I sure did that, alright. She should be getting a wonderful letter from me on Saturday.

I even got her to laugh a few times when I told her some jokes and she said she wanted all the dirty and funny jokes I could send her, so I’ll send her a few in each letter. I also told her about the calls Andy and I used to make and about the tapes and how I could play her some over the phone sometime, or mail her some.

We even had our funny argument about how many floors those assholes had that we lived with. I’m still sure it was 3 floors.

I’m also sure that there’s more to our conversation that I’ll remember over time and when I do, I’ll jot it down.