When Tom got up yesterday, he said he was ready for a new beginning, and of course I’m thinking to myself - Yeah, for a whole two weeks. Maybe even a month if we’re lucky.

Anyway, I figured we could have sex yesterday morning, but I just couldn’t get into the idea. I’m still too nervous about it and I told him that I wasn’t quite ready and needed another day or so. He said that that was no problem and of course, he seemed the least bit bummed out about it and if he wasn’t, then he’s really a truly damn good actor.

In my mind, it still comes down to the same thing - what’s a fantasy of mine, and what’s the reality here. We cannot have the normal, full-time, happy, mutual sex that results in a child. We can only have full-time sex on a part-time basis, with him only cumming every two weeks, and with him playing games once or twice a month that he denies playing, and certainly with no child resulting.

I’m just sick of this roller coaster. I want this cycle broken. I cannot buy his so-called desire for a “new beginning.” I cannot believe that things will change in bed, whether I scream and shout about it, or keep quiet. I cannot believe that he and God are not responsible for this. I cannot believe that he desires the same kind of sex as much as I do. I cannot believe that he desires a child as much as I do.

I feel trapped and full of mixed emotions. He said that as long as I don’t call him names, he’ll always love me. But if I deny him sex, I know he’ll initiate other problems or they’ll just happen on their own or by God. Things would be OK for a while, but in time, I would think that he’d make me feel guilty about it, or I would on my own. I really believe that his way of sex means as much to him as the kind of sex I wish we could have means to me. If I take away his source of games, it’ll make him unhappy. So all I can do is try to tell myself that in 2-4 weeks when we have one of our so-called “normal” setbacks, that it’s what he wants, and what God wants, it obviously makes them happy, it’s obviously fated to be, I can’t have a child anyway, so just deal with it, keep quiet about it and just give God and Tom what they want. What they really want.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to have sex with him, but I just don’t see any way out of it without swapping one set of problems for another.

Anyway, sometime after I was up and showered, I cleaned the house and typed up some letters.

We will be going to the library today when it opens.

Did I mention that on Wednesday, we’ll be feeding the hamsters? I’ll also be stocking up on new markers that day, too.

Andy and Michelle left a message earlier. They say Michelle just “discovered” two months ago that she’s gay. Well, I don’t think this is something one just suddenly discovers about themselves. It’s either always there, or it’s not.

They wanted to know if I considered Michelle to be feminine, butchy, or in the middle. I’d say she’s in the middle, yet closer to feminine.

I’ve got to get out and de-duty the patio as soon as it gets a little lighter. I know the bird population has dwindled a bit, but it still gets a bit messy.

Later...

Jesus Christ! Now women are having babies in deodorant commercials. Everything on TV is having babies and you know, it really hurts. It really hurts to have what I can’t have thrown in my face. Everything on TV is babies, pregnancy (by children and adults), sex and violence.

I’m glad Little House was done in the 70s. They based stuff on life in the 1800s, cuz that’s when these people portrayed lived, but a lot of it was also based on life in the 70s. If it were being filmed today, there’d be some gay characters, which would be fine, but there’d also be pregnant teens galore, drugs galore, and someone would be giving birth on every show. Even Charlie’s Angels would be different. A lot like today’s crime shows. Instead of the cops chasing bank robbers and kidnappers, they’d be chasing baby killers and pregnant runaway teens, who were all doped up. This baby fetish that’s hit today’s commercials, shows, and movies shows absolutely no sensitivity or consideration for the sterile. Why should they, though? We only make up 5% - 10% of the population. It really wears on my nerves, though. I am sterile. And as a sterile woman, I don’t need to see these commercials while I eat popcorn and try to watch an old rerun of Little House.

Later...

Well, we just had a good screw and in half an hour we’ll be leaving for the library, then I shall return to read myself to sleep.

I wasn’t all nervous and feeling like the self-conscious freak I thought I’d feel like and it was great, cuz he slowly, but surely managed to start on top. I didn’t expect him to cum, but he enjoyed it too, and says it’ll take him a little while to get used to this arrangement. He says it’s cuz I keep lifting my feet, so he burns all his energy trying to get in there. Well, I’ll remember to lower my feet.