Tom and I have done a lot of talking since I last wrote. So much talking, that I don’t know where to begin. I can start, though, by saying that I’m still not convinced he’s not lying and then pinning the problem on me to cover his ass for being too chicken himself to tell me what’s really going through his mind.

He keeps telling me he knows we disagree about what happened a few nights ago and that’s OK, cuz you can’t always agree on everything. He still insists it was me who shifted angels. I’m sorry, but I did nothing wrong. Not intentionally and not unintentionally. I’ve thought about it a million times and I still know for a fact that he was right on the money. I can tell when the angle’s off and it wasn’t. It was he who wilted away, wasn’t in the mood, and put up the resistance.

Andy told me he read that the main reason for someone not being able to cum very easily is cuz of fear of failure in bed. Well, that’s certainly not the case with Tom.

Speaking of reading, he said he wanted one of us to go through my journals, cuz he knew I wrote that I’d be happy and want nothing else if he’d just cum. How could I have said that? His cumming was never the number 1 thing as far as I was ever concerned. There were and are and will be things of greater importance to me than that. Such as having a kid was and of course, you can’t have that without the guy cumming.

So, I think either he misunderstood me or I used a poor choice of words if he thought I said that that was the one and only thing to make me happy. That was only one of the few things I felt would make me happy. Or at least happier.

Then he says that maybe I’m calling him a liar to cover up for my own lies. He said this after he embarrassed the fuck out of me by going through my journals. I just didn’t see any way to tell him I’d go through them myself. He said we could go through them with him there, but what would be the point of that? He’d still see my writing which I still don’t think is all that great and which I’m still very shy about sharing. He says I deceived him by telling Kim, Andy and Dr. Rugg about our sex problems. But he knew this. He knew this a long time ago and he always told me to use my best judgment as far as who I say what to and I agreed. We both did.

Anyway, he didn’t find it, cuz I just can’t see why I’d write that or say that, but I’m sure that I said it was very important to me. Not the most important thing and not my only dream or goal in life.

Why does he swear I’ve said things I don’t remember saying and that I wouldn’t say? And why does he swear he didn’t say things that I know he has said?

I told him I suspect more and more that the source of my sterility is cuz of not ovulating. We all know you can get periods and not ovulate, just like you can get pregnant, but not have periods. I told him that a woman’s body temp is supposed to be slightly elevated at mid-cycle and stay that way till she gets her period. Well, there have been times I’ve taken my temp at these times to find it lower. He said I can’t get an accurate record of my temperature cuz of how I take my temps at the wrong time. He said your temp is the most accurate when you first wake up and it’s also important to do it at the same time of day every day for accuracy, cuz air temperatures in houses fluctuate from say, 7 AM-2 PM. Well, maybe he has a point.

It’s still awfully hard to believe I could be fertile when no evidence has ever suggested that I am. Evidence has suggested, though, that I’m not. Seeing is believing for me, usually.

He still swears also, after reminding me that I swore he’d never cum in the first place, that he will cum more if he screws more, that everyone has setbacks, that we’ve progressed and gotten through these setbacks, that we can move on and progress even more and that he doesn’t think you can have a happy marriage without sex. Oh really? I thought he had said that he felt that sex was just a little tiny part of it and that what went on out of bed was where it counted and mattered most. See, I feel like he’s saying this just to get me to go back into this multi-year cycle with him again so he can jerk me around.

He keeps saying he hates being called a liar and that he’s not lying, but what else can I think or believe? It’s virtually impossible to give him the benefit of the doubt when I’ve never seen him put his actions where his mouth is. When he came like he said he would, then I believed him when he said he could cum. I believed it when I saw it and that’s what it’ll take for me to believe he’ll cum more and that he really wants this kid that much.

When I asked him why he didn’t blame me for the way we were in bed, then why he implied that it was my urgency that made him falter, he said that I am who I am, and since I can’t help that and am not deliberately at fault of anything, then I can’t be blamed. No, I certainly wouldn’t deliberately fuck up our sex, but then he goes on to say we can work around it. Then why haven’t we?

If our sexual problems are truly all my fault (and I’m not saying that some of them aren’t), then if I haven’t gotten the hang of how to fix my faults, I guess I never can or will.

My heart says she wants to have a normal, happy, full-time sex life with the man she loves and have a baby with him. My head says that that’s not reality, sex is the main source of our problems and fights, so break the cycle by eliminating the source of the problem - sex. That’s the problem. I always have to want something I can’t have.

Sex is like booze and I’m like the alcoholic. It’s addicting. It’s so easy to keep on the roller coaster and keep this hurtful, destructive cycle going. And I also feel like he, too, is pushing me into sex. Whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it’s for good reasons or not, I’m afraid that if I quit the sex with him (even though he said he’d never make me do anything I didn’t want to do), he’ll leave me or fall out of love with me. He even said that I was heading towards having him fall out of love with me. He said you can’t make someone love you, but you can make someone not love you, and that’s where I was heading. Now I don’t even know if I can believe he loves me when he tells me so. I know he did love me. But does he really and truly still love me? Or is he just saying so?

I just wish I could see inside him like we can look into our own selves and see what was really there.