This morning, a whole 3 days early, I got the period that I absolutely should not have gotten. Hey, what did I expect? A miracle? It was just about right on the money too, as far as it being 14 days since he laid his last big load in me. I’m just as sterile as can be, but does my husband see and believe it yet? No. Of course not. Even he admitted that he didn’t know if he’d ever see what I see. I’m sure he won’t. Not that it’d do me any good and not that one can fight fate, but I asked him if he thought I was a cop-out for not going to a doctor and he said no. Of course he doesn’t think that. He doesn’t really want a child to begin with. Never has, never will. That’s why he doesn’t see what I see. He doesn’t want to see it cuz he doesn’t want to try fixing it (even though we can’t fix it), so that’s why he’s in a fine mood and everything’s all well and good and just about perfect, as far as he’s concerned. Things are going his way and God’s way, alright. He says it’s not that he doesn’t believe that I believe I’m sterile. He says it’s just that in his opinion and in his belief - I’m fine. Yeah, so fine that this is about the 6th period I should not have gotten. Then again, maybe I am fine. God can do anything. Therefore, he wouldn’t need to sterilize me to keep me from conceiving.

Later...

I’m so frustrated and mad right now! Tom left for Mary’s. He told me to call there if I needed anything. I needed to talk, so I called him and then what does he do? He gets on my case about it and says he needs to get things done and now’s not the time to talk. All he went over there to do was to fill their pool, feed the hamsters and play on their computer.

I’m not only right about my sterility, I’m still right about the fact that he doesn’t want to deal with it and that he just doesn’t want a kid.

I called to tell him that I know a doctor can’t fix me, but that I thought it’d help if we at least got tested so he could see what I see. I want him to know what I know - that I’m sterile. I thought that maybe that’d at least help, even though fate can’t be changed. But then he said that that’s giving up what he wants and that that’d affect our relationship. What about me? I don’t get to have what I want. Only he gets to have what he wants. And how would it affect our relationship? Cuz he wouldn’t want to deal with me crying over a confirmed reality and belief? Is that it?! So, to hell what I want, right? Only what he wants matters, huh? Then why’d he say that if I really felt that I needed and wanted to see a doctor, that that’d be OK? When is he ever gonna want to see a doctor or believe me and deal with what a doctor would tell us? Never. He’s never gonna want that and therefore, this man is truly full of shit when he says he wants a child. OK, fine. If it’ll make him happy, I’ll just run around saying I’m OK and that we don’t need a doctor. Then, when I hit menopause, he can keep saying that I was OK and that we didn’t need a doctor - we just never hit it right.

Later...

Tom got in a while ago and we talked and it didn’t really get us anywhere. I’ve got to stop this talking to him, I mean really. All it does is make things worse and 9 out of 10 times he just can’t deal with it and it just starts fights. So for once and for all, I’ve got to just know what I know and shut up. Talking about it won’t change fate.

He had said it was OK to express my feelings, but he doesn’t like it when I get angry at him.

But sometimes the things we need to express are things that others do that make us angry.

He then said that that’s not what he said. It’s when I get angry at his opinions that he doesn’t like. I’m not angry with him for his opinions, just frustrated. It’s the insensitivity coming from him that angers me. And the way he makes me feel like all that matters is what he wants when it comes to sex/kid. To hell with what I want.

And then I felt hurt even more after telling him that I’m just reacting the way a woman would in my shoes and he goes and tells me I was behaving badly and it wasn’t normal for me to be emotional and unstable about it. Yeah, well, let him come back as a sterile woman in his next life and we’ll see if he says that then. If this is how he feels, though, then why did he agree my feelings and actions were normal about a month ago? He had told me he understood and that this was normal then, so why not now?

Then I got more insensitivity from him when he said he was trying to prevent this from happening every other day and that whenever he makes progress (he was very productive over the weekend and did the yard, etc.), I pull him back, and then he went on about how he’s trying to get our finances set. How did I pull him back? My talking with him didn’t undo the yard or other things he’s done and I didn’t fuck him out of any money. He wasn’t working today.

He’ll never understand me. No man could ever understand me and neither could most women. Most women can have kids, so the only people who could understand me would be other women who are infertile, too.

He says that the reason he’s afraid that going to a doctor now would ruin our marriage is cuz of how we disagree and would answer questions differently and would bicker. Why couldn’t we just say what we felt, even if it was the opposite of what the other felt, not bicker and then just take it from there? Well, he still says that once our sex life is normal, then after a period of time in which I’m still not pregnant, then we’ll go to a doctor. But when will it ever be normal? He still implies that it’s cuz of me and says that once he gets me to work through my emotions and stabilizes me, then we can have a normal sex life. Oh, so it’s me, huh? Well, I reminded him that he told me I couldn’t control his dick and therefore, that it was him that’s caused us to not have a normal sex life. I’ve never done anything to stop him from cumming more often. All I can do is lay there and spread my legs, but the rest is up to him. I never expected him to cum all the time, but 9 times in 7 months is way too little (not that I need any more proof of my sterility). So, I told him God decides whether or not we have a kid, and even though I know the answer to that decision - you decide whether or not to cum more. Not me. Not anyone else but him. He said OK and I don’t know if this was an admission that yes, he has been stalling for time or what.

Until and if I ever see differently, and even though nothing and no one can ever grant us our wish for a child, this man is controlling the amount that he cums and he doesn’t want a kid that bad and he doesn’t want to deal with proving me right about my sterility. When it comes to sex/child, everything’s up to him and God. Not me. I have no say at all and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I asked him how I could know that if he did decide to cum more often, then in a year or so from now when he saw I still wasn’t pregnant, he wouldn’t bail out and make excuses as far as seeing a doctor goes and even he said I couldn’t know. No one can know what the future holds. Well, I do know as far as a kid goes. I know that he and God will see to it that I never have one.

Later...

After talking some more, we went into the pool. This year, there have been fewer bees that I’ve seen, and more drowned. It’s weird, but nice for a change. While we were out there, I told him I’d be patient while he made his decision (to cum more or not) and he said there was no decision to make. Oh, so here we go back into denial again, while he implies that he’s not blaming me, but that the reason we haven’t had a normal sex life yet is cuz of me and my emotions and the way I behave. But he’ll get me through it and all will be normal. Right! Then he said he didn’t want to fight anymore. I wasn’t trying to fight with him. Why is it that every time I go to talk about my feelings and beliefs, he always thinks it’s got to be a fight? There’s just no talking to this guy. He takes everything too personally, turns it around on me, and doesn’t tell me the truth. He’s only truthful when it comes to anything that’s not related to sex or a kid. All I know are two things. I’ve got to stop talking to him, and we’ll never have a kid.

Mary and Dave had themselves quite a scare this morning when they took off from Syracuse. They were to layover in Detroit. They made it there OK, but when they went to take off for here, they had to return due to engine trouble. Meanwhile, Dave’s always been terrified of flying and he refuses to get on any plane ever again, so they rented a car and are driving back.

Next door were perfect angels over the weekend, but I sure did hear a lot of car doors on and off these last two days. They had at least 3 different cars there and I’m still not sure if he’s moved back in. Only sure that she’s not moving out. If he’s there tomorrow, and especially Tuesday then yes, he’s moved back in and that’d explain all the boxes Tom said he saw them put out by the dumpster. Unless she got a roommate.

As for the dog, the next day I heard 3 little barks and Tom said they could have a small dog there, but cuz the houses are so close, it could’ve been where those two dogs are. I’m pretty sure it was next door and not where those two dogs are cuz they’d eat the little thing alive. Other than that, I haven’t heard it, so maybe it was visiting. However, it won’t be a problem.

I’ll check for any cars over there around midnight-1 AM and hopefully there won’t be, cuz like I said, if there were any, that’d mean he lives here again and it’d just be a matter of time before the music starts and God knows what else, too.