Well, Andy may be coming over in an hour or two. He’s gonna bring a tape with a song of Cheryl Crow’s that I want to tape and a journal for me. It was the journal that he wrote 6 pages in and I wrote about 8 pages in December and January of ’95-‘96. It’s not a great-looking journal, but since he’s decided he’s really never gonna use it (I figured as much), he says it ought to go to someone who will use it.

While Andy’s here, he’ll be browsing the Internet.

Tom went to bed about an hour ago. He says that tomorrow we can finish the bathroom and then Monday, we’ll stop by his ma’s house to take in her mail and paper, then we’ll go to the library. On Wednesday, we’ll feed the hamsters.

Later...

I just took a break to listen to music.

I discussed this with Tom who says that his wants haven’t changed, that neither has mine, but that I just don’t know what to do. Yes, I miss our fun and all that, but I’m still tired of the biweekly botches. He says that setbacks are a part of life and all we have to do is just keep moving on when they happen. Well, I agreed to not call him names, but this is hard to do when you feel your own husband (along with God) is controlling the bedroom scene and it’s hard not to get mad. He says voicing my opinion is fine and telling him that I think he’s lying is fine. He said it’s when I call him a fucking asshole and tell him he is a liar that he’s got a problem with.

So, since a baby can’t happen no matter what, I think I may as well just let him play his biweekly games and just deal with it. Just cuz I can’t be happy with our sex life and have a child doesn’t mean he can’t be happy and I want the one I love to have all the happiness I can possibly give him. Besides, I know the truth, he’s heard it a million times from me, so I may as well keep my mouth shut about it and take these constant setbacks that I don’t think are as normal as he says they are. I can’t imagine your average person having problems with sex this often.

Also, maybe somewhere down the line, God will have a change of heart and stop adding insult to injury and just leave us the fuck alone in bed. Maybe he’ll realize that sterility is enough of a punishment for me and that there’s no need to keep on picking at me by further controlling my body in other ways, as well as the sterility.

Maybe Tom will have a change of heart too, and either put his actions where his mouth is or admit to what he’s been doing and all the reasons why, too.

Whether or not he cums more, I doubt I’ll ever have the nerve to see a doctor. I mean, really. What’s he gonna do for us? Fight God and win? Fat chance!

Tammy and Dad mentioned Tammy and her family going to Florida this summer, but I guess not. I recently talked to Tammy and asked her when she’d be going and she said she wasn’t. I asked if she had a falling out with Mom and Dad, but she said she didn’t, so I guess their health matters, among other problems, are gonna prevent them from going this year.

I noticed by the caller ID box that my folks tried calling at 8:30 on Friday night, but I was asleep and Tom was bringing Mary and Dave to the airport. So yesterday morning I called and got their machine. I told them I saw they called, let them know what was going on, and told them to leave a message if they had anything important to tell, but I’m sure they were just calling to say hi.

Tom got a couple of awards from work. One for processing 19 million checks with no errors and another one, too.

Andy will be here in about half an hour. He just called. He’ll also be coming over sober. Amazing! That’s cool, though, cuz when he’s stoned, he can’t remember shit I say and he’s such a flake.

Later...

Soon I will be crashing, but I thought I’d write first and say that Tom finished carpeting the bathroom. It looks nice.

Andy was over for a few hours and he brought the journal and tape.

Why has the vitamin E failed to keep my tits from soreness this time around? For the last two months, I had virtually no soreness, but now, at a whole 10 days away from my period, they’re getting quite sore.

Perhaps I drank too much coffee? Perhaps it’s God cursing me? Or maybe my emotional state, which was pretty shitty for a few days, has taken a toll on me physically?

Anyway, I chickened out of sex today, but I’ll write about it later.