Tom brought home a fountain pen that Ma wanted me to have. I’m using it to finish out my paper journal.

A few hours ago, Tom brought Mary and Dave to the airport. They’ll be gone to New York for a week. We’ll only be feeding 3 hamsters and not 4, cuz one of theirs died.

Then tomorrow, Tom will be bringing his mom to the airport. She’s going to Steven and Carol’s for about two weeks.

Tomorrow, he’ll also be putting up a mural for Jackie and Jim, and then he mentioned doing some painting at his ma’s on Monday.

Hopefully, though, he’ll want to do something here on Sunday. Like maybe finish carpeting the bathroom.

Later...

Well, I’m still sure that quitting sex would be the best thing for us, but that would be only if Tom wouldn’t have a problem with it and I know he’d at least act like he would, so if we end up screwing again, I guess I should just deal with his games, lies and teasing and just keep my mouth shut. Opening my mouth and bitching about whatever he does to jerk sex off-kilter, won’t stop it from happening and all it does is cause fights. All he does is deny it, anyway.

Yes, I’d love to have a child, but I know that that’s not going to happen and that that’d be even worse for both of us, so why bitch about something that’d be bad for us when he pulls his stunts in bed? We wouldn’t be able to have a child even if he didn’t play games and even if he did cum regularly, so why not just let him have his fun his way, the way it’s always been? It’s like knowing how bad cigarettes are for me, as well as how a baby would ruin our lives. The only difference is, is that I know I’m gonna continue smoking those cigarettes. However, I’m not gonna get pregnant, so I guess there’s no point in my reacting to his shit. Deep down, that’s probably what he wants and likes, anyway, if I really am truly right with my beliefs of what’s gone on here for ages now.

His story changed a little bit, too. The last time he said that my urgency for a child has been what’s been holding him back from cumming more (which makes no sense, cuz it’d seem to me that if someone you loved really was anxious to have or to do something they really wanted, you’d push harder to see them get it) and that what happened that night was that I wasn’t in the mood, so subconsciously I botched the angle up. Today, though, he told me it’s not my urgency that’s held him back, it’s my actions. Meaning, how I reacted after his little stunt a few nights ago. Also, not only was I supposed to not be in the mood and subconsciously botch the angle, but now he tells me that I have such anger deep within my subconscious that I just had to look for a reason to be mad at him.

I told him yet again if I were really the type to want to go off on someone, just to go off on them and be mad at them, I wouldn’t bother with feeling the need for an excuse, I’d just let them have it. Also, I’m almost always in the mood, but if I’m not, I told him that’s no reason to deny him fun. I can just lay there and let him do the work.

I told him I wish we could ditch the side position altogether, but that wouldn’t do any good, cuz then he’d just go do something else. He’d find some other thing to use as an excuse to cover for his fears and to cover for the truth, all the while pinning it on me. And he tries pinning it on me in such a kind way, so to speak by saying I’m not responsible for just being the way I am and for it being a subconscious thing on my part and not something that I knowingly and intentionally set out to do. Please! I mean, his beliefs about me and what happened are so fucking off the wall, it’s pitiful! He may be a great con and one hell of a smooth bold liar, but he’s also a bad liar as well.

I’m gonna go take a coffee break now, then maybe I’ll listen to music or something. At 4:40 I’ll be watching a movie on HBO, but I’m not sure if I’ll really like it or not. I have to wake him up at 9 AM, then he’ll be gone from about 10 AM - 5 PM and I’ll be hitting the sack right around that time. I can’t say I’m not glad he won’t be around, cuz I just don’t want any more shit, so he can be off doing for others all he wants. As long as he does enough stuff around here and doesn’t procrastinate too much around here.

Another thing is, I know he’s not as serious as he claims to be about a full-time sexual relationship. I know our schedules don’t always match up and that things come up, but I’m not stupid either and I am 100% sure that even if we were compatible with each other in bed we’d still have full-time sex on a part-time basis. This is just not your typical male who thinks below the belt 99% of the time like 99% of the male population does.

He also told me that the reason for not fixing the tape is cuz he needs a special tape to tape its ends back together and that there wasn’t extra money for it. We could’ve made money for it, but he didn’t think it was a higher priority. He didn’t tell me he needed a special tape for it, but of course, he swears he did tell me.

Later...

I just did up a list of the tilesets I don’t like for Tom to delete if he wants to.

I’m doing some laundry now too, but I think I’ll wait for it to get light out before I dry it, so as not to let the bugs in.

Like I said, I’m gonna get me some coffee and I think I’ll read for a while. I’m reading Single White Female and it’s great.

Later...

I watched that movie and it was OK.

I did some reading and now I’m drying the two loads of laundry I’m doing.