I’m kind of bored right now, but I thought I’d drop in to say hello to my journal.

There are different things I could be doing now, but I can’t decide on which to do. I did some reading and now I could listen to music, sing, proofread, cruise the web, or try to see if I can wash old coffee stains off of my dog/cat mugs with vinegar. I think I’ll hit the web first and see what other games and tilesets I can find.

Later...

Wow! The vinegar Tom suggested I use to clean the mugs really worked! The stains disappeared like magic and now they look brand spanking new.

I also forgot to mention that when I got up yesterday, I got up at 103 lbs. That’s the lowest I’ve been in nearly a year. Still, my metabolism needs more speeding up. Especially since I went to bed at 106 lbs. that day. I shouldn’t be more than a pound heavier at the end of my day.

Later...

I don’t want to do it. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to have sex with him and I can’t imagine not being extremely self-conscious in bed from here on out. Not after he accused me of having my angle off, even when I knew it wasn’t. If I had really had my angle off, that’d be different, but now I’m gonna be like - am I lined up right? Or am I gonna hear afterward that I deliberately screwed up the angle and so he wilted away? And besides, if my angle had really been a problem, why didn’t he just say so? Why didn’t he just have me move, or move himself, then continue on?

I just don’t want to continue with these fights over sex that we seem to have at least every other week and deal with the anger and depression that goes with it. But I feel trapped and like I have no choice, but to let him keep on playing with me for fear that he’ll be unhappy and even think about us splitting.

He says he’s not lying and not deliberately trying to prevent himself from cumming more or from me getting pregnant. Then why oh why do I feel like he’s trying to ensure we keep up with the sex so he can fuck with my head and play games and tell lies? Anyone can be so much of a smooth and bold liar and accuse someone else of messing up sex, while it’s really them that’s messing it up, cuz they don’t want to admit their fears/reasons. I’ve tried to comply with his wishes and see things his way and give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve looked for reasons to believe him, but I can’t find them. I’m grasping at straws in my mind and all I can see are the many reasons I’ve written about before, that are causing him to intentionally and knowingly do what he’s done. He knows I can’t literally prove him guilty like I could if he were guilty of an affair and I had pictures of him screwing someone, so he knows that all he has to do is pin the blame on me. Then butter me up by saying it’s not my fault cuz it’s just the way I am and I can’t help it, so he can get me back into the sack so he can do this yet again, for the millionth time.

I don’t want to fall into this trap again and this angering, depressing and frustrating cycle, but how do I get out of it? He’d just put a guilt trip on me, so what do I do? Now I not only feel like there’s no way to solve our sex problems, but I feel there’s no way out of it, either. We can’t quit, but we can’t do it right, either.

In the midst of my desire to have a child, I’m having more and more doubts about just how much I really want that and the troubles and responsibilities it brings. Even if I could handle it, which I still can’t imagine, is it really worth it? I’m still so afraid of what it’d do to us as a couple and how it’d make me feel. I mean, my life as I always knew it would be over and I don’t truly know if that’d be a good thing and in a good way. All our time and money would go to the baby. There’d be no life for us as individuals to indulge in hobbies, or to indulge in each other. I can only imagine just how many fights we’d have concerning the rearing of it, too.

Then there’s still the lack of sleep and what it would do to my body. I know just how I’d look and how my asthma would be as well as my sanity and come on! They cry for hours at a time. Can I really handle that? Wouldn’t I just turn around and bash it as my mother did to me? I just don’t have the patience and the tolerance it takes to be a mother and I wonder more and more if I should be looking at my sterility as I look at my singing - a gift.

Maybe the right and the only thing to do, that would be best for me and for us as a couple, would be to concentrate on being more consistent with something I’ve suggested to myself before - look at my sterility and being able to dodge pregnancy each month as a blessing, as a game I love to play, that I’m great at, and am lucky to always win at, and remind myself constantly of all the good there is to never having a child.