OK, now that I’ve had time enough to have fun making tile sets, I can get on with the updating.

First of all, Tom’s being the typical hypochondriac he usually is, but again, I don’t think it’s him so much as it is God. Still, he’s always got a problem - not enough sleep, something hurts, a sore throat, etc. And with this happening right before prime time (even if there is no prime time for me), it makes me wonder if he’s decided that instead of playing games with me this month, by pretending he’s all gung-ho on screwing, then pulls away, maybe he’s gonna avoid me this time around.

For the millionth time, he said again how he wants more sex. Then why doesn’t he do so? I got up last night at 8:00 when he said this. He didn’t have to leave till 12:30. So if he wants more sex, then what happened last night? Why didn’t he initiate it last night? I’m just so sick of this shit as I have been for years now and between him and the fact that sex itself is getting to be old news and nothing new and exciting, I couldn’t care less how little we screw. Or how little he gets off. He’s never complained about not getting off, it can’t make a baby, so we may as well keep the sheets clean.

Yesterday, we talked about taking almost half of our loan money for that bed we want. That’d be great. I need anything I can get to give me a sense of normality. I’d love for us to sleep together, even if his snoring will always drive me nuts and even if our sex life will always be abnormal, and even if I’ll always be sterile. It’s also nice to see this loan money going to something realistic and practical, rather than for a doctor-made miscarriage.

Speaking of babies, God’s not caring, Tom’s lack of desire and motivation and the message I heard from Linda, are really doing a good job of helping me deal with my sterility, among other things, too, of course. Andy played me a message she left and she really sounded miserable. Totally horrible and I’m sure she’s wondering why she spent 8 Gs just to make her life the hell it is. She’s tired, been going non-stop 24 hours a day since her twins were born in May, and she just has no life whatsoever.

Once again, do I really want this kind of life, too? Did God not sterilize me to curse me, even though I’ve felt that way? Did he do it out of love? Did he simply want to protect my health, my sanity, my life and my marriage?

Andy’s bad memory can really be frustrating. I showed him the little waterfall from my folks, yet last time, he asked what it was. I told him and showed him how I went about finding Shelly, but yet just the other day, he asked me how I found her. Is it the pot? Or is it that he just doesn’t care enough to pay attention to what I say?

At around 10 PM, I went to go outside to get some fresh air and there was a dead pigeon right outside the door. Tom, thankfully, put it in the dumpster. While we were out there, I heard that dog. He still says he can’t tell which house it’s at, but it seemed obvious that it is coming from next door for sure. So if he’s supposed to be better with telling where sounds are coming from (and he is), this tells me he’s just covering for them. Typical old protect-thy-neighbor thing he’s all about. He tried to tell me the other day that I’m lumping too many cars together and assuming it’s only him blasting music. He says that every Sunday morning, there’s a car that comes in (maybe to take her to church) with music going. I’ve never heard it. So right away I thought, Oh, he’s just covering and sticking up for him, just like with denying he said he saw him in that maroon car when my parents were here, so I don’t go chewing him out, and to try to ease my stress.

Well, trying to ease my stress is one thing, but there haven’t been other cars that played their music since last summer. All other times since last summer, it was him, but I haven’t heard any music since that one time I told you I had heard it at an OK volume at 5:30 PM one day.

If you ask me personally, I think they swapped in the music for the dog, but if so, then that’s great. I’ll take that over the music anytime. It can’t wake me up.

I changed Teddy Bear’s cage around again yesterday and I’ve already got new ideas for the next setup.