That stupid, stupid, lying little fuck!!! Aaaarrrrrgggggghhh! How dare he pull this shit on me yet again, then lie to my face as if I were some naïve sucker?!?! Yes, it’s Tom and God and their usual shit.

Tom slept for 11 hours. Something he hasn’t done in eons. I told him that since the house was cool and since he was so well-rested, he shouldn’t have any excuses for having sex. Of course, deep down I knew better and could sense the fear and apprehension he was under about that, cuz he thinks I’m fertile and he knew I was in the conception range.

Then I prayed to God and some God he is, alright! Yeah, look where that’s gotten me. And look just how helpful God is to those who help themselves. God did just what I knew he’d do and so did Tom.

I’m so sick of Tom and God’s shit and how they have to play with my head and control my life! I may be sterile, but God sure wants to act like I’m not. I mean, I’m sterile, yet he plays things out in a way that suggests I’m not sterile and therefore, he has to make sure we miss it. Why is God so into making us miss something we could never hit in the first place? I’m sterile, God. OK? You fucking sterilized me, you bastard, I know you’ll never help me help myself, I know you’ll never allow me a child, so why can’t you leave us to at least a peaceful, normal and full-time sex life without the bullshit?! And why can’t you get Tom to see I’m sterile, so he’ll stop his bullshit, or does Tom really just get such a kick out of teasing me, lying to me and just totally jerking me around sexually? Is it really so much fun for him? And does God see me having sex with anyone, male or female, such a sin that this is why he’s hexed my sex life with all the people I’ve had sex with? Is this God’s punishment for my being human and having normal and natural desires, goals and dreams?

When Tom was ready to screw I said, “I’m gonna have my other kind of fun tonight” which I’ll explain later.

Then, sure enough, we went to screw and he was quite soft and he kept resisting and pulling away and it was so damn obvious that he didn’t want to have sex at all. Not at all! He was so fucking terrified, I could smell it. And then when I asked him if he was OK and commented on how he didn’t seem in the mood, what did the chicken shit liar do? Same thing he always does - he turned it on me and said that I always say that when I’m not in the mood. That’s bull and if I wasn’t in the mood, I’d say so.

Then he said he thought we should get up, right as I was about to suggest that, but man oh man was I so fucking pissed and hurt!!! I’m sooooooooo fucking tired of this shit and of his and God’s fucking games.

I called him a fucking asshole, which I admit was wrong and not helpful, then I told him, “Hey, you knew I was close to being mid-cycle, you got cold feet and got scared off, so admit it. Don’t turn it all on me, cuz if I was the one who wasn’t in the mood or who was scared, I’d have said so.”

When the fuck is this guy ever gonna come out and admit that he just doesn’t want to be a father?! I told him yet again, I know he doesn’t want to be a father, I know he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother (and I’m inclined to agree), but instead of telling me what I want to hear - tell me the truth! I told him I wouldn’t force him into being a father, I wouldn’t leave him or beat him up or love him any less if he’d just admit to this.

Anyway, I know I’m sterile and that we on our own couldn’t produce a child and that no doctor could produce one for us, but he obviously does think I could conceive, or else he wouldn’t be so fearful of screwing around these times like he often is. It isn’t always the case, but it usually is. I know that together, he and God have other reasons for this shit with his games, lies and not cumming much, but I’m just talking about the part about his not wanting a child.

I told him I knew that it wasn’t like he’d be a bad dad or would leave us if we had had a kid, but that since I knew that he believed I was fertile, I’d do nothing from now on to put him in a position where he’s uncomfortable or fearful in any way. I told him - we will not see a doctor and we will not screw when I’m around that time. I don’t think I could if he said he wanted to, anyway. Cuz then all I’d do would be to feel bad for him, knowing he was doing something he really didn’t want to do.

Then the asshole pins it on me again with a response saying that as soon as I said that I was gonna have a different kind of fun, he should have foreseen problems and backed off, so that was his only true fault. Oh, bullshit! I’ve said that before (that means I was just gonna relax and let him do the work without taking care of myself in the midst of it) and we’ve had no problems. Yet he says that 99% of the time my saying that causes problems cuz when I say that that means I’m gonna resist and do something screwy like change angels, etc. That’s fucking bullshit! All that is is his pinning the blame on me to cover for his true feelings and intentions. He used that as an excuse to get out of screwing so he didn’t have to face me and say, “I don’t want to screw now, cuz I’m afraid it may make a baby that I don’t particularly want,” or “I just don’t feel like screwing tonight.”

I have done everything I can do to allow myself to get pregnant and to help myself get pregnant, even though I can’t, and if I were OK, the reason why we’ll never have a child is cuz of him and God. Not me.

So I’ve decided to not screw at mid-cycle and to never go to a doctor for sure and that’ll make God real damn proud of me and Tom breathe a whole hell of a lot easier. And then it’ll always be just Tom and I cuz I don’t want a kid if he doesn’t. And when I say that, I mean I won’t do anything more to try to fight fate, which is virtually impossible to do, anyway, and those that do fight fate and win, which is very seldom, have to pay dearly for it. So, this baby thing will just be the dream it’s always been and the dream it will always be, just like it was meant to be. There are dreams, and then there’s reality.

If Tom’s not gonna come out and admit that he doesn’t want a child and do more things than he already has to make sure he doesn’t have a child, then I will. All 3 of us will. Tom, God and I together. So, if he pulls this shit when it’s safe, he’s gonna have to pull it for some other reason, even if it’s just to tease me further and play the games he just loves to play.

And fuck talking to a God who doesn’t give a shit and who will never help us anyway!

I’m sick of Tom telling me he wants this kid he doesn’t want, but I know the truth, so I’ll act on this truth and protect us from this baby that could never happen anyway. I’m also sick of Tom not being able to say no to favors I ask of him. Instead, he says yes to please me, then bitches that I give him too many projects and tells me I nag him about stuff he’s said he’d do but doesn’t do. I asked him to fix a videotape a long time ago. He said he would fix it and that it’d only take a few minutes to do it. I’ve reminded him about it periodically, but he hasn’t fixed it. Well, he obviously never wanted to and I wish to hell that he’d not only admit that he doesn’t want a child, but that he’d say no to stuff he doesn’t want to fix or do around here.

Tom also had the nerve to say that I use any excuse I can to lay into him and that I’m the one who’s scared and making sure we don’t have sex at certain times. Of course, that’s bullshit, too, cuz if I really just wanted to let him have it, I wouldn’t need no excuses. Also, I am not afraid. He is the one afraid of a child. Yes, I have the usual fears and doubts that anyone would who’s never gotten pregnant or had a child before, but I haven’t been letting that stop us. He and God have, though.

Later...

I am pretty depressed right now. I was quite bitter and not in the mood to see Tom when I got up, but thankfully, he crashed shortly after. I won’t be waking him up till 10:30, so he’ll only be here an hour and I’ll be in the other room reading or listening to music. I am just so hurt and pissed off and both Tom and God for controlling my life and my mind and my body like they were some kind of toy. I am not a toy!