I don’t believe this fucking shit! Tom’s got yet another cold. What’s he gonna do? Get a cold every two months? How convenient, too, that he gets this when I hit mid-cycle. As if he’d rather come up with some excuse as to why he can’t screw at such a scary time for him, rather than play games. Once again, I sit here and I wonder - does he really have a cold? Or is he just acting? And how much of this is God-related?

Even if he really did want more sex, and I know he doesn’t, there’s always one thing after another and he’s always got a problem. I may have a screwy schedule, but there’s no way we could have sex regularly if we both wanted to, cuz there’s always something right there to make sure that we don’t. Is this my punishment for the letter? I mean, I just cannot depend on this man for sex. I can depend on him for food, to pick up my meds, and other things I need, but not for sex. It’d just be so much easier if we could be on our own sexually. Like I said, the sex with him is getting old, it’s too damn predictable, it can’t make a child, so if I just took care of my own damn self, I don’t have to worry about any game playing, or him or God interfering, and this can be done regularly.

Tom says he thinks it’s cuz of lack of sleep that’s brought on this cold. You can’t get a cold after only one or two days of lack of sleep. I know what it is. He’s so sure I’m fertile, that he’s scared shitless and feels that this is his only way to avoid sex. He’s also trying to spare me the grief of reality being further rubbed into my face, too, by avoiding sex now, but that much I can appreciate. All this worry over nothing, though. If he’d just quit being so stubborn and so obsessed with his games and with disagreeing with me, and see that I am truly sterile, he’d have a lot less stress hanging over him and he wouldn’t have to worry so much and make up excuses to dodge this and dodge that. There’s nothing to dodge. Therefore, I don’t know why he and God act like there is something to dodge most of the time. Every now and then God and Tom allow Tom to get off at the right time, but most of the time they both act like there is a pregnancy to avoid. Tom’s fears are totally unfounded and a part of me wishes he would get off 5 days in a row at the right time for many months, so he could see this, but he’s just too damn scared to. And he’ll never admit this, either.

I just went and looked and from what the journals say, Tom’s last two colds were in March and June. So every 1-3 months he’s gonna have a cold, huh?

Later...

For the first time in my life, I wish drugs didn’t come with the complexities they come with. I always thought that those who turned to drugs were wasting their time and only hurting themselves, cuz drugs don’t solve people’s problems. However, what about those whose problems don’t or can’t get solved even sober? Not taking drugs didn’t make me the singer I once wanted to be. It didn’t give me the woman I wanted. And it certainly won’t unsterilize me. So, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be nice to take something that’ll bring up your spirits and mood while calming your emotions. It’s not that simple, though. Where would I get the drugs? What drugs would I take? Where would I get the money? What would I do about its addiction and side effects?

Nothing’s ever that simple. There are simple facts, but never simple solutions or simple answers. My being sterile is a fact, but there’s no solution to fix that. There aren’t any sure answers as to why, either, but only theories.

Tom always says that life will go on no matter what, but it hasn’t. It has, being the fact that we’re still both alive, but it hasn’t. We get new gadgets and things like that to improve the house, the computer, the animals, things like that, but that’s where life stops. I can be with Tom for the rest of my life and get new things here and there, which is great. I can always do my hobbies, but is there anything else after this? No. Not at all. We’re gonna get this bed, but what does it mean? It means feeling a little more normal since most couples do sleep together. It means having the convenience back of being able to walk right up to the side of the bed and lay down. It means being able to have a nightstand by the bed, instead of a little shelf. But does it mean more sex and more normal sex and a child? No, of course not. No way. Nothing else will change. Life will still go on with our lives being exactly as it has been - sex in spurts, problems with sex, sterility, his job and my place in the house. The only difference is that we’ll be sleeping together. Sometimes, though, he’ll have to sleep on the couch, cuz us sleeping together means me being woken up by his snoring every night. Therefore, I’m gonna need to catch up periodically. He understands this, though.

Later...

For the last few days, I haven’t heard any car doors from next door, but I’m sure he’s still there.

Earlier I did some reading, played some computer games, listened to music and just now, I rearranged Teddy Bear’s cage again.