Death has been on my mind a lot what with so many people dying lately. I once wished both my siblings dead so bad that’s how pissed I was at them a while back. And now one is and one may not live more than 5-10 years. But the more I think about it, the more I am sure that I didn’t influence the situation at all. There’s been too much of a delay. Besides, my parents would have died a lot sooner than they did if my anger could actually influence death. A lot of people would be dead right now because of me if my getting intensely angry could kill. So I would say that no, my getting pissed off in 2000 and then again in 2010 had nothing to do with Tammy’s illness.

But death is still on my mind, my parents’ death, my brother, my foster mother, and then how Tom and I nearly killed ourselves to escape death by poverty.

Tom researched lung transplants some more and found that they only take what’s called lobes from live people and not a full lung. So that’s why they prefer the donor to be dying. That way they can take a whole lung or even both lungs.

I don’t know what to think at this time. Things could take a fast turn for the worst and she could need the transplant within a year only to have it not take, or she could not need it for 5 years and end up with a successful transplant. Or maybe it will be a severe infection that ends up killing her since her immune system is shot as well.

This is pure speculation but right now I think we’re going to go 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. Larry died in his 50s, my parents in their 80s, and I wonder if Tammy will die in her 60s and me in my 70s. Unless God decides to have me killed in some way I don’t suspect, 70s makes sense if Tom were to live a normal lifespan. Most people make it to their 80s and he’s almost a decade older than me. I always knew I would kill myself the day he died if he died first, so 70s kind of makes sense.

If that’s true, imagine what my parents would’ve thought if they could know decades ago that none of their kids would outlive them. Assholes or not, I’m sure they wouldn’t have been happy to know that. They beat their own parents by 5 years.

Although I know I would definitely want to, I would have to kill myself if Tom died before retirement because I wouldn’t be able to make a living that would sustain me. After retirement, I could technically live as long as I was close enough to buses, though I still wouldn’t want to. Back when I lived alone when I was young; that was different. That was new, that was fun, that was adventurous, and cursed or not, I loved my independence and had my whole life ahead of me. Living alone as an old lady would be a whole different story.

Wish I knew if those who claimed to end up in hell after attempting suicide are for real or just saying that to deter others from trying it. Oh well. God has always had a deep hatred for me, so maybe He’ll send me to hell even if I don’t kill myself someday.

Time to get some proofreading done till the Jes pest starts his daily racket. Tom thinks it’s perfectly normal to hear your neighbors every day, even if they’re 200’ away. Oh, really? I thought it was only normal if they were just a few feet away. I guess he may have a point, though, cuz even though I can’t believe Jesse can hear us from inside his house like we can hear him from inside here, he should easily be able to hear my music when it’s blasting when he’s outside. Probably even the treadmill.