Unfortunately, I’m in a very sad and angry frame of mind right now, and getting a bit concerned for my family’s well-being as a whole. I fear something up there is bound and determined to pick us off one by one. Let’s just say that if Tammy dies I’m going to go from concerned to downright scared.

Tammy left a message yesterday and she sounded awful. Very strained and out of breath. You could tell talking was hard for her. For the first time since having that dream last summer where Tammy died, I’m worried it may end up being an unusually delayed dream premonition. I didn’t think much of it at the time since most dreams I have that are true or are going to come true end up coming true within 12-72 hours of the dream. Occasionally it’s been months or years, but not very often. Yet it’s looking more and more likely that yes, she will indeed need a lung transplant. According to the statistics, though, 50% of those who have a lung transplant only live 5 years. It seems like an awful lot to go through for so little, but what else can she really do at this point? All the infections she had caused scarring in both lungs during the year she wasn’t treated and they were trying to make a proper diagnosis, which then caused the lungs to harden in some parts, making it very hard to get oxygen.

It just sucks that right when we finally get the past worked out and have grown close that this shit has to happen. But why? It’s hard to believe it’s a coincidence. Mom and Dad, I could see because they were old and sickly and it’s common for long-term couples to die in the same year. But then Larry died and now Tammy’s gravely ill. Does God want to kill her so He can have fun beating us over the head with money and know we’d have no one to run to for help? Is there some other family curse going on? If she doesn’t make it past the next 5 years or so I’m going to seriously wonder if I’ll make it to 60. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it. For a while, I wondered if I’d even make it to 30, and less than two years ago I was pretty damn sure I had more than a foot in the grave, but I’m still here. So maybe the transplant will allow her to live a full life. And maybe the death dream doesn’t mean a damn thing.

The job promotion dream didn’t mean anything cuz he didn’t get it. We’re ok with that, though, cuz it might actually be a good thing. We would’ve preferred the hours and for him to work less so he could have a bit of a life after working all these 58-hour weeks. But second shift is more at risk of layoffs, and while he would’ve made more per hour, it would’ve been less money overall due to working fewer hours. He doesn’t know yet who got the job. Let me guess… a young black guy? A foreigner?

That’s another thing. I’m tired of pretending I don’t have a problem with blacks just to keep people happy. I do. Not all of them, of course, but I have a problem with the ones who use their race as a weapon against others and as a means of getting ahead no matter who may get hurt along the way. I have a problem with the ones who use the law to screw whites that piss them off just because they can and because they know we’re living in a time when anything they say will automatically be believed no matter how untrue it may be. I have a problem with the ones who are never charged with hate crimes, who are given easier sentences than whites convicted of the same crimes, and the ones who can have their black pageants and their black this and that WITHOUT being called racists, quite unlike their white counterparts. That’s what I have a problem with. Meanwhile, if this pisses anyone off who may read this, well, that’s your problem.

Andy asked me if I searched for the pretty blond cop he told me about that walked some girls into court or something like that. I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe I’m the one sporting the brain tumor.

I have a lot more to write about but I think that because this entry’s getting long enough I’ll break it up into multiple posts.

Later…

I’m going to make my LJ blog a voice post blog once we get moved. I’ll only be able to make up to 5 posts a week, but it may be fun and something different than the usual text blog.

Tammy also said she was still going to try to catch Walter and find out what’s going on, but I’ve given up there. I just can’t believe the bastard above would allow my parents to abuse me, then let me profit off of them, even if it were just a few grand. Then again, a few grand could never undo what they did to me anyway. All it could do would be to help make things go a little easier and a little faster. But since God doesn’t want us getting a place of our own, of course He’s going to do all he can to stall and delay things. Then when we finally do defy Him and get what we want, I can just imagine what punishments may be in store for us, but I’m not going to let it stop me.

Another week and Tom will actually talk to the people in our favorite parks, which have the strictest criteria for getting into, and see just what we’re up against. If the hurdles aren’t worth getting over, there are still other parks that are plenty decent enough. He still wants to check out that park where the people own a percentage of it and the monthly payments are only about $400.

Been thinking about it and I would give up a lung for Tammy if I could. I still think it’s a bit much to go through for what could be so little, and I doubt I’d be a suitable candidate, but if the hospital and insurance people paid for all the expenses, I could fly there and go under the knife for her and be back home soon enough. Obviously, we have the same blood type, whatever that may be, but I’m 8” shorter, I did smoke for 18 years, and I have asthma. My asthma may be dormant, but it’s still there. It’s like with a recovering alcoholic. Just because they haven’t had a drink in a while doesn’t mean they’re not still alcoholics.

Her daughters aren’t candidates for various reasons, and Mark smokes, so he’s out of the question.

She mentioned seeing some show about a woman who has lots of rats and even sleeps with them. LOL, I’ve gotten so many people to see rats in a whole new light. Now whenever they see or hear of rats, they think of me and my furry little friends. We’ve slept with our rats in motels, but it’s not something I like to make a habit of because I’m a light sleeper and they tend to chew holes in bedding.

Romeo, Sugar, and I were all playing earlier, it’s so cute how they compete for attention like dogs and nudge each other aside so they can get under my massaging hands. Romeo really loves to burrow in the sleeve of my robe. Sugar likes to play tag, Romeo likes to use me as a secret hideaway.

Later…

My henna tats now look like old coffee stains. It was a definite waste of money, but at least now I know what it’s like.

Tom’s sleeping in this morning because he was hungry when he woke up to pee earlier and was up for a couple of hours while we discussed Tammy and other things.

I feel so bad for Amanda Knox and how they overturned her acquittal and are retrying her case in Italy. I not only believe she’s innocent but what a fucked up judicial system Italy has! I thought this country was bad. She must really hate the hell out of that country by now. I wouldn’t blame her. Other than speaking a gorgeous language, the country’s full of bigots with a joke of a legal system. They obviously don’t have Double Jeopardy, which we have here that prevents one from being tried for the same case more than once. From what Tom said he read, she doesn’t have to return to Shitaly. They can try her from home. But what makes it even weirder is that they can’t extradite her if she’s convicted again. I would just change my appearance and run.

I cringe at the thought of just how many times the corrupt cop who helped railroad me on behalf of his welfare bum buddies would have tried me over and over and over again for their little letter if they could have. OMG, I won’t even go there as far as what I’d have done to them had they tried to fuck me over a second time. Let’s just say I would’ve made a very nasty example out of them as to just what could happen to those who use and abuse the law against others in the name of power, control, and hate. But hey, they weren’t 100% invincible. The cop did lose his job after all.