Woke up an hour and a half earlier, and the Kindle in its holder above me scared the shit out of me. I’m not used to it being there, and the bedroom doesn’t get much light in it due to the black-out drapes, so I was startled to find this large dark shadow hovering above me till I remembered what it was.

I only remember one dream from last night. I was sitting on a toilet in the middle of a small room. Two guys were in the room taunting me. Why I would be on a toilet in front of them is beyond me, same as why I would use a toilet that had no privacy to begin with. I jumped up a moment later and proceeded to leave. The guys were now sitting on the floor and I had to walk by them to get to the door. Each one grabbed an ankle and yanked me down to the floor between them. I was both scared and pissed. I managed to kick myself free and ran out into a short, dimly lit corridor with only one or two people in it. I didn’t want to run and let the cocks know they really shook me up, but I also didn’t want to move too slowly in case they decided to run out and grab me and then drag me back into the room with them to possibly rape or kill me.

I ran down the short, poorly lit corridor and took a left into a long, brightly lit corridor with several people milling about it. I ran all the way to the end of it where I found an open recreational area with lots of chairs tables and couches. A young woman turned to me from a large round table she sat at playing some kind of card game with half a dozen others, and handed me a half-smoked cigarette.

I took it and said, “What the hell. It’s been a while.”

I often think of returning to smoking in real life to help control my weight, but if something’s wrong with my thyroid as I suspect could be the case, smoking won’t cure it. As I knew would be the case, the losing streak I was on didn’t last long. Once I lose 5 pounds my body fights to hang onto weight and resets itself back where it was. I’m not quite back where I was, and I’m at that time where I carry an extra pound or two of water, but I know that either way, smoking will only cost a lot of money and give me breathing problems like I used to have all the time. Once we get moved and don’t have so much to focus on, I’ll get it checked out. If all I need is some medication to stabilize it, then fine. Then I could either stay fat or know I could lose weight through diet and exercise and finally get results without damn near starving myself.

Time to hit the shower. I’m sure the daily buzzing of saws will start up any second now, too.

Another Estrella jail blog entry hit, this time from an unknown location in the US, but also with Verizon. It’s ok. I’m not running. I haven’t done anything wrong.

Later…

Another person to tell me not to bother praying to a God that doesn’t exist, and another voice of reason. I love it! However, just because prayer never worked for me doesn’t mean I don’t still think there’s something up there, something that may listen to only some of us. Chances are they prayed for what was meant to be anyway and it was just a coincidence that they got what they asked for, but you never know. There could still be something up there playing favorites. Seems like a reasonable enough assumption based on the fact that some people have great lives while others have absolutely shitty lives. Don’t ask me to explain why, though. Why some of us are hated and fed into the hands of abusive people while others are blessed with loving families, money and good health throughout most of their lives is something we may never know. And if we do, it probably won’t be in this life.

Some believe God and the devil are one while others believe they are separate entities. I believe they are one and the same. I have always believed that God, or whatever you want to call it, is the most powerful force there is. So unless that belief is wrong, wouldn’t He overthrow the devil and stop him from doing evil if he were a separate entity? Because he obviously hasn’t, I believe God is both good and evil, but mostly evil. It just depends on who you are. If He decides you’re ok for whatever reason, you should be fine. If you’re on His shit list…

I still don’t understand the concept of “coming out.” Oh, the mysteries of the world and the people in it, huh? Someone recently asked me what it was like coming out and admitting I liked women as well as men. I couldn’t answer that cuz I never really felt the need to “come out” to anyone any more than the need to explain or defend why I think black olives go better in salads than green ones.

It just is. I just am.

I figured I could just be myself and leave it at that. I knew that some would be ok with it and some wouldn’t, and well, that was their problem. As long as they didn’t harm me I had nothing to worry about and neither did they. I figured that no matter what we are, gay, straight, tall, short, fat, thin, no one’s universally liked anyway, so those who minded didn’t matter and those who didn’t were what mattered in a sense.

Now moving onto the topic of revenge. I’m getting these ideas based on things I see posted on Facebook, in case you’re wondering. I don’t like the idea of revenge and being vengeful and all that because that’s stooping to our perp’s level. However, I also learned the hard way that not doing anything about someone who’s wronging us can send the wrong message. One that says, “Go on. Keep fucking with me. I’ll just lay down and take it.” So it’s tough at times. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but turning the other cheek and ignoring some situations isn’t always the answer either. Sometimes we gotta fight back.

LOL, love my friend’s post on “progress” in Saudi Arabia. That’s because they’re running out of swordsmen to behead people over there so now they’ll use guns, which puts them to the 19th century.

Really, some people make their own haters. I don’t understand this big push we’ve been on for so many years now to love everyone (so long as they’re not gay) despite the criminalistic, vengeful, violent ways of some of them in which they simply won’t let go of no matter how much freedom, privileges and rights we give them. Want people to like you? Then give them a reason to! And don’t go crying and asking yourself why if some people don’t like you after you’ve treated them like total shit, because tears won’t cut it with all of us.

Hmm…now Rutland, VT is in my Estrella entry. Maybe I should mark that entry for just friends until I know what’s going on. My unknown Estrella visitor is gone, suggesting they’re the same visitor, which would overwrite the last one. The check I did doesn’t seem to think they’re going through a proxy, though they say they’re in Orland, NH. I googled “Estrella jail” and my blog didn’t come up, though it is googlable. It still seems fishy. Once again, though, I’m not going back there or to any other jail! If you read one’s blog, you may not like it and that’s YOUR problem.

Later…

Someone asked if I thought I was going to hell. I noticed Molly answered a question around the same time, assumed it was her, and then deleted the answer. The person, who doesn’t really write like Molly writes, asked why I deleted it. So it was asked by someone with an account, huh? But Molly hadn’t answered any more questions when they returned to ask why I deleted it, so maybe it wasn’t Molly. It probably was, though. I’m trying to ask Molly “innocent” and harmless questions like if she likes jogging, so that she’ll be more likely to answer them. The more I can compare times and the more her answers match the times of certain questions, the more likely it is to be her.

Heard a few loud, low-flying helicopters in the area and I really hope we don’t have a repeat of spring of 2009 gearing up here. At that time they replaced wires on the steel tower up at the summit, and the project, which took months, was utterly maddening with these things flying back and forth over our heads transporting parts. If they’re doing this same thing nearby it wouldn’t be as loud, but in a little tin box like this, it would be annoying enough. Then again, I’m only going to have to listen to other things when we move, like the old man pounding on a new roof to our left and the old lady getting a new heat/AC pump installed to our right. Maybe the couple across the street will decide they should replace their gravel yard with grass, and maybe the ones in back will decide it’s time for a paint job. Of course a sewer pipe or something under the road in front of our house will have to jam up or burst so they can have to tear up the road as well. Busted utility pole? No problem. That too, can be dealt with while I’m trying to sleep or concentrate on getting over my dry spell and back to my writing.