Andy’s meeting a guy he’s spoken to over that meeting line and he said he doesn’t want to waste his time on him if he’s ugly like the last guy that he met. It was kind of funny, too, cuz he said, “If he’s ugly, I’m gonna ditch him and watch Dark Shadows.” So, this is our plan. I’ll call him at 12:30 and I’ll be from out of state. I’ll say to him that I really need to talk and if he says he can’t, that means the guy’s cute. If the guy’s ugly, he’ll tell him he got an urgent long-distance call and will ditch him.

He’ll be ditching him. I know that love isn’t meant for Andy any more than a baby is for me.

Yesterday and today Tom and I talked and we both agree that we need to be able to communicate better. It’s really weird cuz I feel as if I’m one of the bluntest people, yet people still don’t get me. Also, I’m really good with most people, but he’s a tough one at times, even though I know deep down where he stands on most things. He’s just too contradicting, as far as I’m concerned and not blunt enough with me. He admitted that he’ll offer to do things for me even if he doesn’t want to. Well, then how can I believe he isn’t full of shit and saying he wants a kid when he obviously doesn’t, even though he swears he does?

I know I’m not perfect and that I can’t always deliver the things I say I’ll do, but I’m still a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. One minute he expresses how he’s afraid to do what he wants (not have a kid), but worries that I’ll be angry, bitter and resentful about it. Then in the next breath, he says he wants a kid and swears we’ll have more sex and that he’s doing all he can so we can have a kid, but won’t cum and we don’t end up having more sex, either. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He’s gonna have to make up his mind and do what he says he’s decided to do.

Me? My heart still cries out for a kid, but my head still believes that I made the right decision (even though I’ve got no choice and he pretends to be sad about it) not to have a kid cuz it’s not the right thing to do or a good thing to do.

Before he went to bed he said he felt better and that he’s cautiously hopeful. He says he’s encouraged but doesn’t want to jump the gun, but there really isn’t anything to hope for or to jump the gun for. We’re still gonna have our good days and our bad days and I’ll still get angry and sad over the decisions he’s made for us, etc. Regardless of our attitudes or what either of us wants, thinks, believes or feels, nothing’s gonna change. Tom and God will see to that. I will just go on loving this man for all his wonderful qualities, while still being angry at his lying to me about a kid here and there, even though I’m glad it turned out this way and glad I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, even though I’d still like that mutual sex. And he’ll go on being burdened by when I do go through my angry spells and all the while keep on denying it’s his choice to not cum and he’ll swear he always wanted a kid.

He said the most ridiculous thing to me last night. He said that if I gave up on trying for a kid now, we’ll never know if we couldn’t or could’ve had one cuz of all the fighting we’ve done about it for the last 2½ and a half years and that the last 2½ and a half years don’t count or matter. How insulting. Besides, what with most couples out there being unhappy and what with the way they fight, you’d think the human race would be just about extinct, but no, instead most couples do have kids.