Last Saturday I got a reply from Denise Austin herself. On the bottom of a standard letter, she wrote herself to exercise 5 times a week and that I could do it, etc. As famous and as busy as she is, I certainly never expected her to write to me herself. She was quite vague though at answering my question. I wanted to know if her Tone-Up 1-2-3 program was enough for me to do every other day, but she didn’t really answer that. Still, it was nice that she responded.

This weekend was a good one, and Tom lost the bet like we knew he would. Of course, he had to go on and on swearing that he wanted to win more than anything and that if we just give it a chance, we can take care of the problem ourselves and all this bullshit.

When we were screwing in the living room, he tried to tell me that when he was about to cum, he’d pull out, finish himself off, then stick it back in me when the cum came out. Then he said he didn’t know when to pull it out cuz he cums instantly without warning. As I know, though, this is impossible. You have 3 or more seconds of warning as to when you’re about to cum. Then he went on with how I’m sexy and he loves me and there’s nothing wrong with me. Well, then if that’s the case, what’s his problem? Fear of getting me pregnant, of course.

I’m not as upset about this as I thought I’d be since I expected, accepted and knew it was coming. The thought of his cumming and us having a kid is starting to go numb on me and I just don’t know if I want it as bad anymore with the way he is.

I’m glad we won’t be having sex till Saturday, cuz I kind of want to just be on my own for a while. It still isn’t that easy always just forgetting and getting close to a liar who’s betrayed you in a big way and is denying you something you had dreamed of and wanted. He may as well have made the decision for us both and gone and tied my tubes up or something.

Due to my writing about his lying about not cumming, and not being able to have a kid, I was blinded from something else I was forgetting that’s very much the case and important. There is still God and the DES. Even if Tom came, I still really wonder if I could get pregnant anyway. All I know is that it’s over. There’s absolutely no way I can or will ever have a child. I’m 100% it’s not meant to be and there’s some good in this decision, too, that God and Tom have made for me. All I have to do is keep on plugging at getting over it and looking at the many good things there are to their decision.

Tom admitted that he was a liar. He said that placing the bet was a bad thing cuz he can’t stand timetables. Then, why didn’t he tell me? And why did he lie about it and say he’d win? And he begs me to trust him? Yeah, right! And like this also makes me determined to get us to a doctor next year. I really don’t think so. Not with his attitude and lies.

Yesterday Tom rigged the cable so we could see that sex channel. It really wasn’t anything that interesting or exciting, though.

Yesterday I hit the jackpot on a few things I bought. First we went over and got Ma and took her to buy a tape player while Dad slept. She couldn’t find one she wanted and of course, she had to stop and look at things for Nickolena and a lot of her conversation was about her. I know she loves Tom and me, but sometimes I still feel that it’s the ones with kids who are superior to the rest or think that they are and that others think they are.

Then we went back and got Dad and the 4 of us went to a nursery where they got a couple of plants and I got a small pot with 5 different cactuses in it. Soon, we’re going to get Prickly Pears which are my favorite cactus and they’re only about $18. They had my favorite palm tree, too, called Queen Ann, but they were pretty expensive.

Then we went back to their place for a little while and oh my God! It was almost like the NHA, even though nothing’s quite that bad. Kids next door to them as well as behind them were screaming up a storm and bashing their ball against poor mom and dad’s fence. How do they stand it? Ma said they played their music so loud that they could hear it in the bedroom the night before. I don’t see how they can deal with it and they can easily afford to move.

Then Tom and I went out to Walgreens where I got 3 new lipsticks. Two of them are too light. I got purple nail polish and 3 new beautiful journals for only $3 each. I saw the 3 there that my parents sent me, too.

Later…

Tom just came home and I told him my mind is permanently made up. No kid. Not with the way I’d be an abusive mother and with the way he’s proven to me he’d lie like hell to the kid. I may always want one, I love Tom and think he’s a great husband (when he isn’t lying) but there’s no way I could ever have a kid with him or without him, even if I could get pregnant. I’m 100% sure I’m doing the right thing and I’m gonna stand behind this for keeps.

Then he says we just won’t have sex then, till we make up our minds, but I just did make up my mind. And he made his mind up a long time ago. He just said we won’t have sex to punish me for taking away something he can no longer tease me about, but that’s fine.

Look at it realistically…we fight so much over this baby that doesn’t exist, so imagine just how much we’d fight if it did exist. No thanks.