Why is it that I’ve got this burning feeling that it was due to my prayers to God that Tom and I just ended up having the fight we had? Is this what I get for praying? Why is it that every time I pray, trouble happens? Gee, let me guess - it must be cuz I’m praying for no-nos. Every time I try to restore my lost faith in God, shit happens, so I guess he and Tom have finally won cuz I now really see the definite connection.

It started when I lived out a certain fantasy that he agreed to go along with. I pretended that he came along with me and then he said I looked upset after a few minutes. I tried to tell him I was OK but he went on and on. This finally blew me up and I asked him why he has to spoil a fantasy that if I can get used to it, I just may not need the real thing as much. He promised to go along with it, go with the flow, and not ask questions, yet he did. This is after making me promise to go along with him, go with the flow, and don’t ask questions.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that he’s sorry if I only want him just for a baby, that I’m being selfish, and that I shouldn’t feel he’s a liar for promising us a kid over a year ago. He said he meant it when he said all those times he’d be cumming, cuz he had no idea we’d fight so much over the subject. How convenient.

Then he said that the reason why he doesn’t want to get help now is cuz he feels that’d ruin our marriage cuz that’d be implying to him that I didn’t trust him enough to give him a chance. Trying to tell him otherwise, didn’t do a damn bit of good. He swears that in a year from now, it’ll be enough time put in of trying on our own. Yeah, right. Then he’ll just say another year is all he needs. I know him.

He also said that in his opinion, he doesn’t feel I’ve suffered since being here and that it was all coming from me. So, this is how much he can understand me and feel into my heart and see into my mind, huh? Are all the pages of suffering, sadness and desperation I’ve written all in my head, then? Like I don’t have a reason to suffer and feel like he’s lied to me and hurt me? It’s all in my head? I’m being selfish?

Resigning to the fact that he’s gonna be saying the same thing about not cumming and not having a kid 30 years from now, I finally just told him what he wanted to hear. I said I was sorry for being selfish by wanting a kid and I was sorry for calling him a lair after promising we’d have a kid and he’d cum so many times since we met and that I’d continue to do my best to snuff any feelings about feeling not good enough sexually and about the kid and not talk about it.

Then he said he didn’t want me to keep my emotions bottled up. Well, hey, you can’t have it both ways. If I talk, it just gets him upset and then we both get upset and that’s how fights start.

He also told me that I wasn’t thinking of him sexually and what he wants and that I was only out to please myself and that he’s sorry I’ve got to have a kid right now. Well, then if he’s so happy the way he is in bed, why does he keep insisting that he wants to change and that he wants to cum and make it better? This tells me all the more that he doesn’t want to cum. And if I’m wrong for wanting a kid right now, then why is he not wrong for saying that he does want one now?

Year after year the guy’s gonna have one excuse after another as to why he can’t cum and swear he will and that we will have a kid. I can’t keep playing this game and I’ve got to get on birth control. It’s the only way I can get him to stop playing with me about the kid. It’s the only thing left I can do to save what’s left of our marriage. I’ll still feel like I’m not good enough sexually and he probably won’t cum to cover the truth and make me think that he wasn’t afraid of getting me pregnant, but I just can’t keep going through this. With me on the pill, it’ll relax me enough cuz I won’t have to worry about him promising me a kid that I can’t have for sure on the pill and I’ll be able to deal with those emotions of being angry toward him a lot better. The kid is the biggest thing we fight about, so eliminating any way that I feel he could be teasing me or lying to me about that will help a lot. Then he can realize that I don’t just want him for a kid, but I’m sure he knows this anyway. The man’s not stupid. He just thinks I am. I mean, why would I want to play cards with him and do things with him and wish he were here more if I only wanted him for a kid? Why wouldn’t I just go entertain my own self in another room and ignore him if that was all I wanted from him?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll make the appointment for birth control and hope I don’t have any side effects from it.

He still insists that if we could go two weeks without discussing the kid, he’d cum and we’d have sex more often. Yeah, right! Do you know how many other things that he’s insisted would help him that we did that didn’t help him? The only reason why he doesn’t want to discuss it is cuz he doesn’t want a kid and the subject scares him and turns him off.

I’m sorry I called him names, I’m sorry I screamed at him, but I can’t buy anything he says anymore. He’s just too contradictory and he just can’t put his actions where his mouth is most of the time.

I’m just gonna get on the pill and try to not let the thought of not having a kid get to me as much as I can. As well as my anger towards him or feelings of not being good enough for him. I shouldn’t feel like I’m not good enough for him after all. It’s his fucking choice to not cum. It isn’t my fault. Why do I feel the need to blame and punish myself for things that aren’t my fault?

He still says he’d prefer me not to be on birth control, but that if I felt it’d help me - go for it. I can see just how upset he is about the idea. There goes his #1 thing to bullshit me about and I’m sure he’s gonna do stuff to make me feel punished for taking his fun away from him and I’m sure he’s gonna pretend that my taking birth control is really making our sex lives way more miserable than ever. I ain’t gonna fall for it.

I’ve got to stop fighting God. I’ll just let him hate me and succumb to doing what he wants me to do.

I’m gonna prove Tom a liar yet again, though. I’m gonna go the two weeks without bringing up the subject and prove to him that that won’t be his cure to cumming and that he never will cum. Of course, then he’ll say something like, “I never said that,” or “I didn’t mean exactly two weeks. I need more like a month. Besides, it’s cuz of the birth control.” Well, I’ll just have to remember that if Tom says he wants a kid to tell him that’s selfish of him, rather than call him a liar.

As far as Robin goes? I don’t ever ever want her near me again. Don’t want to talk to her, don’t want to know her.

He also says he doesn’t want me to dance cuz he doesn’t want me to do anything that doesn’t make me happy. He means that doesn’t make him happy. Dancing had its drawbacks, but I certainly wasn’t unhappy about it. Besides, if he didn’t want me doing anything that made me unhappy, then why leave me childless all my life?

In the end, just like always, Tom will get his way. I’ll tell you this much, though. I’m not gonna work. So there’s one thing I’ll be doing that’ll make me happy. Just cuz I can’t do what I want doesn’t mean I’m gonna settle and go for second best and do something just cuz it’s all I can do. Tom’s gotten and will always get what he wants from me and now it’s my turn. Since I can’t get what I really want from him, other than his love, he’s gonna have to support me all his life. He at least owes me that much.

There is one other thing that happened and I will admit that this was my fault. Well, when I was screaming, he jumped up at me really quick to take hold of my arm to calm me down cuz his ears were hurting and you don’t do that to me. Not with my past. So, I kicked him in the balls and slapped him, then was prepared to do something much worse and pretty terrible to him when it hit me that he just might have no intention of attacking me and that he was just trying to calm me. So I ran out of the room and told myself that if he followed I’d put his lights out, but he never did. Yes, this was very wrong of me to assume that he’d be like others have been and I should’ve realized his true intentions since the man has not one violent bone in his body and could never hurt me. I told him I was so very sorry and that I’m glad I didn’t go any further. I would’ve hated to have to live with that guilt. I feel guilt, unlike most others. If only Tom would feel guilty about his big black lie to me, but if he doesn’t now, he never will. It’s a real damn shame, though, that such an otherwise great guy can have such a clear conscience about what he’s doing to me. It should be scary to me, but it isn’t. Just sad and infuriating.

In truth, yes, 90-something percent of me knew he didn’t spring up to attack me, but I guess I honestly used this as an excuse to get some of my anger out on him physically, even though I had no intentions of literally dogging him unless he or anyone else’s intentions were to do that to me. I’ve had many thoughts of beating on him and he says he doesn’t understand how I could always be angry at him about this, but how can I not? It’s not a little casual white lie that he’s told me. He lied to me in a big way about something that meant a lot to me and that I was counting on us doing.

If my screaming was really hurting his ears, then all the more reason why I can see he doesn’t want a kid. Kids scream all the time.

I know my life is over, in a sense, and that I have no purpose in this life but to please him and I guess I’ll just have to love him for what he is and take the life I’ve got, seeing that it could be much worse. I don’t have to work, I don’t have to be in Valleyhead again or live with my parents. All I have to do is give him what he wants and he wants no kid. Women forgive their husbands all the time for cheating on them and I know I’d forgive Tom if he did that to me, so I’ll just have to work on transforming my anger into forgiving him.

Later…

OK, this is the scoop. I reaffirmed that Tom says yes, two weeks without discussing a kid is his cure-all to being able to cum. When he doesn’t after those two weeks, then I make the appointment for birth control. Not cuz I fear I can get pregnant and don’t want to, but to help ease off some of this anger I feel towards him since on birth control I can’t accuse him of lying about getting me pregnant.

When I begin PMSing, I’ll take this Midol I got that’s supposed to ease the physical symptoms, but unfortunately not the emotional ones. Like Tom said, though, when you feel better physically, you feel better emotionally. I should think the pill will help me feel better emotionally cuz it should lessen the PMS and the period itself. That’s what it says in the encyclopedia.

I just realized something that’s a total first. We screwed today and today I’m mid-cycle. I guess I am anyway. How amazing. If he could cum, though, and if my plumbing was okay, how many months would it take to hit it right, I wonder?

Yesterday I did give them a note next door, knowing that they’d never just turn the car stereo down on their own. I thanked them for being my “dream neighbors” as they are quiet in all other ways and asked if they could just please cut the car stereo volume upon coming and going cuz we sleep weird hours. I also told them that the last family that lived there was pretty wild and that I really appreciate their quietness and that they could come to join us for coffee anytime they liked. Also, if they were still looking for a babysitter, check next door to them on the other side cuz they do daycare. Lastly, let me know if my music gets too loud.

It’s too soon to tell, but so far they’ve been cool and they came in with the stereo going really soft. Not enough at all to wake me up.

As I went to put the note in their mail slot, Joely, as I found out is her name, was on her way out and took the note from me.

I could be way off base with my presumption here, but I kind of get the feeling that they’re a Dave and Barb I type. He seems calm, collected and passive and she seems like she could be a snotty, aggressive bitch. All she said was her name when I approached her, then said “Okay” when she took the note and then I walked back here. As I was opening the front door to come in, I glanced back and noticed her watching me with a blank expression. If it meant anything, I have no idea. Then, a few minutes later I was in the music room as she was on her way out and thought I heard her say something like “I don’t care,” in a sure way, but not softly, loudly, or angrily. She was talking to Mike, obviously, but who knows what’s really on their minds or what they’re gonna do?

The weekend’s not over yet, so we’ll see, but I have a feeling I’m not gonna get that transformer or that bird perch after this morning’s fight.

Oh, how I just want to go back to those days when a kid was the last thing on my mind. I really, really do! I should be praying to God for that. That’s something he’d love me for and would happily agree with. Then again, maybe not. I think he wants to punish me and make me have these feelings of hurt and anger. If I got over it, he’d go do something else. I should remind myself that I’d be just as miserable, maybe more, if we had a kid. It’s like trying to quit smoking. It’s just swapping in one misery for another. God would make sure that motherhood really did make me miserable and ruin our marriage or stick something else in my life for me to be punished by and feel sad and pissed.