I got a letter from Sarah a couple of days ago and soon I’ll send her a letter. I have a letter going out to Larry today and I decorated the envelope with animals and flowers.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door since I heard them at 7:00 that evening when they gave me a minute’s worth of their rap music. They seem to leave early in the morning and return in the early evening.

I wonder if just Mike lives there since I never see more than one care there at once. I don’t think the kid lives there after all since I never hear it.

Robin still tries to come around and assure me that all will be fine with next door and that she’s not lying when she says I’ll be pregnant soon, but I just tell her to go away.

Tom wants me to write a short story and a poem for him. Should I not do something he asked of me that I said yes to in order to give him a taste of his own medicine? I’ll think about it.

I knew Tom was lying when he said he couldn’t hold back from cumming and that if he cums, he cums suddenly without warning.

When Andy gets together with Quinn, he tells me all about it and he confirms what I always knew when he brought up how they’d hold back to enjoy it longer and how they knew when they were gonna cum.

I can’t believe what a bad liar Tom is and how dumb he thinks I am.

How can I ever forgive Tom or not be angry with him for never allowing me to have a child? All I can do is know it and accept it. I couldn’t believe it when he said I shouldn’t be angry with him cuz we don’t have a kid after he’s said so many times that we would, but then again, I can believe it. He’ll say the most far-out things or be the bad liar he is when it comes to a kid and making excuses to not have a kid.

There’s always got to be someone in my life to help God control me, or take something away from me, or to stop me from getting things and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it. Part of me wishes I was either in denial about what he’s doing or that I could believe him when he says he wants a kid and isn’t doing anything to prevent that. Then the truth would hit me harder in the end, so maybe I should know what he’s doing.

Later…

Speaking of believing - it’s still hard to believe Nervous is dead. One minute I’m not thinking about it and the next it pops into my head.

Tom was really helpful yesterday. He listened with understanding, and supportive patience while I told him all about it. At least I’ll always have his edits, like Tom said, even though Nervous really did hate those edits with a passion.

Later…

Here’s another reason why I’m so sure Tom beats off, besides the fact that he’s human and has to relieve it somehow.

Andy told me that he beats off prior to seeing Quinn in case he can’t have sex with him. Andy took care of Quinn last night for 3 hours and he said he took care of himself, so he could just take care of Quinn which gives him great pleasure. He also says he jerks off before meeting a guy in case he’s cute and can’t have him so he won’t be overly horny. So Tom figures he doesn’t want to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid, but he won’t tell me that, so he relieves himself whenever.

Tom’s parents are really doing badly, and he even told me how worried he is and how preoccupied his mind is, so all the more he won’t cum, along with reasons that deal with just us. I’m sorry his parents are dying, but lots of people maintain normal sex lives while their parents are dying. Even if there were no worries and nothing going on, there’s still his underlying fear of having a kid. He doesn’t want it as well as is scared of it.

I keep telling myself that this two-week cure-all is bullshit, just like everything else he’s said would help, so go get on birth control, but I will soon enough. I’ll bet he’ll use his parents as the perfect excuse after two weeks of my not bringing it up. What’s he gonna do when his parents die? Tell the truth? No. There’ll be something else.