Boy, have I been having kid dreams. The night before last, I think the dream was about my talking to a doctor about having a kid. I don’t think I was pregnant, but I could’ve been. Last night’s dream was about birth control. I got some IUD or something that you insert inside you and I think it was starting to fall out at one point. I remember the doctor asking if they could do something that’d permanently sterilize me and I nodded yes. So, why I had this thing inside me, beats me.

Last night is when the dead-set strong vibe set in that this two-week thing is bullshit, even though I already knew this. So, maybe last night’s dream was a sign saying, “Yes, you’re right about him being full of shit, so get on birth control. It’ll help you.”

I like how I read that birth control makes your periods more regular and how it eases the period and cramps and hopefully the PMS, too, and hopefully there’ll be no side effects.

Earlier, I was sitting at the kitchen table when I heard a car stereo. I jumped up, pissed as hell and ready to haul off at next door, but it wasn’t them. It was some car passing by. They haven’t been there since about last Friday.

Bob should be calling in about 15 minutes. I sent him a letter about 5 days ago telling him to call collect.

The night before last, Robin came around again. She was all sad that I don’t want anything to do with her and she still insisted that she’s not lying. Also, that Nervous is with her and that he doesn’t hate me. He’s looking out for me, but won’t bother me. That’s nice, cuz that’s all I’d need is for him to bother me.

Yesterday we went over to his parent’s house. Ma showed me how she has tons and tons of material and I had brought over the back of the chair we sit on at the computer. The back of it is like a director’s chair and it rips, then I sew it, and back and forth. So, I picked out a blue floral print and she made a new back and I helped. It looks so professional.

Later…

Bob called and we talked for about 20 minutes. Besides his usual of how he’s worried about Kim and wants to see her, he told me that he’s on medical watch cuz of his heart and that he has an appeal going through. He said he won’t know anything till June or July.

Yesterday at Mom and Dad’s, Mom’s brother Johnny came over with his wife Marie and their grandson. Marie’s from Mexico so her secondary language is Spanish which we gabbed a little in. Johnny had told Marie he was glad there was someone shorter in the family than Marie, but I’m an inch taller than Marie.

I promised Andy I’d mention this. At around 2:00 that afternoon when I was at Mom and Dad’s, Andy claims to have been thinking about how Nervous and I would gab in Spanish at the same time Marie and I were. A connection? Who knows?

Later…

Tom and I were just discussing how we could afford for me to go to a community college and go through their vocal programs without having to take math and all that other bullshit. Classes start in September, but can I ever get my schedule normal once and for all in order to go? This would be great for me and a great way to continue trying to get over never having a kid.

I also blew my two-week thing where I wasn’t supposed to mention a kid or cumming, but that’s OK. He was never gonna cum anyway and now it’s time to make the call for birth control tomorrow.

Later…

There’s still no one next door. In a sense, these people are weirder than the M family. I mean, where do they go so often? Where do they sleep? Aren’t they fully moved in? Are they just using that house for something illegal, like manufacturing drugs?

Anyway, I know I said I was gonna call for birth control, but I’m not cuz I’m gonna do what Tom wants, as usual. Besides, Tom’s probably right when he said that the side effects would be more than the benefits I just think I’ll get out of it. Yeah, God’s determined to really hit me hard with this. He’s not gonna let me escape it. He really wants to shove it in my face and tease me with it.

I believe those that believe that there’s a reason for everything and that after we die, we find out why things happened or didn’t happen. I just wish I knew why now. All I have are my theories. God’s either punishing me or trying to save my life and marriage. Which is it? Could it be both?