It was 13 years ago today that I jumped and I’m doing all I can to keep my mind off of it so as not to have any flashbacks.

I want to type the very bizarre conversation I had with Robin yesterday and I really mean it when I say it’s the wildest conversation I’ve ever had with her. I can’t type it, though, cuz something’s wrong with the computer. I get a weird message about something about a disk drive error. Then it says to press any key to continue, but that doesn’t help. Well, Tom should be home in an hour and a half so then he can fix it.

I’ve been forgetting all about working on backtracking through my life, but I’ll probably get back to that at some point during my next journal.

I asked Tom if he was reading my journals. He said no, which a good 95% - 98% of me believes.

Hopefully, Tom can find a new transformer for the vibrator over the weekend. He says he doesn’t even know if he has the right one cuz it’s an unusual voltage. It figures. Everything with sex that pertains to me is unusual.

OK, about my chat with Robin. I’d love to think our chat was my imagination, but I’m as sure of it as I’m sure of when Tom and I chat.

Before I get into it, though, the question is how and why would Robin want to turn on me? What did I do to make her tell me such a lie? Although, she did say she expected me to laugh and not believe her and that I could cuss her out and call her a liar all I wanted.

Well, she says I’ll be pregnant real soon, and that it’s over (all the torture and misery I felt about this subject). She knows it’s been a long hard haul, but that I got through it and survived. She swears I’ll be pregnant real soon and no, God doesn’t hate me and it won’t kill me or my marriage. She says it’ll help our marriage, the labor and delivery will go fast and that I won’t need a C-section and I won’t be as sick as I was in the NHA. We had a very lengthy discussion, so I’ll try to remember everything else we talked about later.

Later…

I had one of the two huge baked potatoes I made and Tom can have the other one.

Anyway, Robin said she had no exact dates on anything and didn’t know when or if I’d quit smoking. Actually, she said I would, but doesn’t know when. She said she gets all her information from God and that she knows my basic life plan and when I’ll die, but doesn’t know little details and trivial stuff. In other words, she doesn’t necessarily know what I’ll eat for dinner tomorrow.

She told me that it’s not that Tom really didn’t want a kid or had been planning on waiting, but that things going on in our lives were the issue. She said his subconscious will soon become free of worries about waiting till nothing’s going on cuz he’s gonna realize that things are always gonna be going on and that his subconscious will stop using that as an excuse.

She said I could tell Tom of our talk, but to try to remain as low-key as I can to help fate play itself out, even though it’s fated to be anyway and is inevitable.

Later…

I stopped writing cuz Andy called. He too, didn’t really know what to make of what Robin said.

Tom’s home now and says he’s working from 9 PM - 5 AM tomorrow night.

Back to what Robin said. She said whether I hated her or not and whether I wanted her to or not, she’ll always be looking out for me.

Yeah, well, if I find out she’s lying and she’s got to be, I’m not gonna want a damn thing to do with her anymore and I shall hope that she’ll be prepared to tell me why she had to suddenly start lying to me. Why would she want to hurt me? She was right about next door and other stuff, so why would she want to lie to me now?

I don’t think next door’s been over there, though, since yesterday or nearly two days ago.

I did tell Tom of my talk with Robin and he said don’t jump to conclusions cuz that’s what gets in the way of things happening. He said don’t believe or disbelieve her, but just let things play themselves out before deciding whether it’s true or not. He said this, but his appearance and mannerisms seemed to say, “This isn’t gonna happen so don’t bother getting your hopes up. It’s not at all gonna happen cuz I’m gonna keep on making sure it doesn’t.”

He also said he doesn’t have to read my journals to know I write bad things about him since I say bad things about him.

Oh, okay. Well, I may have said mean things to him out of anger, but other than that, I simply write what I see and believe.

Tom fixed the computer problem. He’s using the computer now, guiding Eldon, who he says is so stupid, through his latest computer crisis.

I need to update my journal chart sometime soon. The typed version I like to have, I mean. The written one I keep in #77 is all up to date. I just wish our ribbon wasn’t so dead, so I’ll just print at a higher resolution.

If I remember anything else Robin and I spoke about, I’ll write it in, of course. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music.

One more thing. Alex had bad arm luck, but fortunately for him, he didn’t break it. He just banged it up in a skiing accident.

Later…

What a scary close call I just had! I went out to smoke a cigarette, then when I turned around to come back in, there was a black widow on the door. Tom killed it, but is it a coincidence that it should be here on this day? I hope not and I sure hope they don’t ever come inside the house!

My birds are up now, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to go back out there just yet. Yesterday a bird tried to land in the back room window, but the strip around it was too narrow for him to stay there for more than a few seconds. We’re gonna make a little perch for them one of these days.

I wish he’d hurry up and get off the phone so I can finish typing the last 30 pages of the last book.

Perhaps I should go read for now.

When it warms up out there so I can turn the cooler on to keep the smell out, I’ll spray Raid around the doorway and those parts of the patio area where I hang out.

Later…

I just remembered. That’s it! No wonder I had such a horrible feeling when I went out back at around 1:30 AM. It was due to the black widow being right there. I really do vibe spiders. This has been one of my continual strengths as far as ESP goes.

I wonder if the coupon I got for Midol is a “sign” to help me to be low-key. It’s for PMS and I’m gonna give it a try.