I’m not sure if I dreamt it or if next door’s car music really did wake me up. Tom said there was no way it was next door cuz he didn’t hear anything, and he saw the 3 of them pull in as he went out to pick up smokes an hour earlier. Then, how could I dream something that seemed so real? I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though. If that damn car stereo does wake me up, I won’t hesitate to go over there and say, “Look, I’ve asked you twice and now I’m asking for the last time that you cut the thing down upon coming and going. Way down.”

I asked Tom if they had their music on when they arrived and he said no, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It does appear that they are here full-time, though.

I’m just so sick of other people’s noise. Their dogs, their kids, their cars, etc. One good thing about it is that I haven’t heard the kid next door. Yet. I’m almost ready to believe Robin on this one, but not quite just yet. Not fully anyhow, and as for believing her when she says I’ll be pregnant soon enough? What a joke!

Tom says we might not even be here in the mid-summer. I asked him if he knew something I didn’t and he said no, he’s just more faithful in things and more optimistic. That seems more like being unrealistic to me and like a tease or a joke unless we win the lottery. I still say it’ll be several years before we move, but something else he said was a definite joke. He said that he thinks I’ll find something to do that I like. He said sometime this year is when he thinks I’ll find that, but probably even by mid-summer. I know he’s talking about the kid, but I still didn’t think he still thought I was stupid. I thought he was over his old tricks. I wasn’t about to call him a liar, cuz then he’d just insist that it was simply his opinion and he has a right to that. Well, the good thing about it is that he did say nothing’s guaranteed. Sure they are. Some things are. I can guarantee we’ll never have a kid.

Andy and I were talking about that last night. He’s not sure why he feels cursed and why he’s destined to be alone forever, but his theory is that one where we pay for the sins of our forefathers from 4000 years ago. He said it was written in the bible and that this sick, unfair rule of God was meant for the Jews. Well, the fact that the bulk of the bible is BS, gives me hope that this isn’t true. I know God does lots of sick, cruel, and mean things, but who knows? I know God can’t hate gays. Hell, he doesn’t even hate murderers, cuz if he hated anything or anyone, then I should think he’d eliminate it altogether from the face of the earth.

Andy says he believes that he won’t know the reasons why he was cursed in certain ways till after he’s dead, whereas I have 3 theories as to why God’s denying me a kid. 1. To pay for the sins of my forefathers. 2. Cuz it’d kill me and my marriage. 3. Cuz I’m not a bad enough person who kills or does other serious crimes, nor have I been a victim of such a thing as bad as molestation or anything like that. It’s got to be 1 or more of these 3 things, cuz if there’s any other reason, I can’t see it.

This isn’t a complaint, since I can’t hear it in the house, but just an observation. I am amazed at how much late-night noise I hear off in the distance. As late as midnight I can hear adults, dogs and even kids.

I just hope that the day will really come when I fully realize I don’t have to worry about next door or be paranoid about them in any way. And I hope it comes soon. Right now for example, even though Tom insists it was a dream, I’m afraid of being woken up by that damn bass of the car music, the next time I go to bed. Not only do I not want to worry for my sake, I really want a damn good excuse and reason to really believe in Robin. Oh, I believe in her. I just don’t know if I can buy every single thing she tells me. Should I believe everything she’s told me about next door, about Tom not lying about the kid and about my getting pregnant, I wonder what was their purpose in all this? To help me get through the waiting time till I know these things for sure if I ever really do? If she’s bullshitting me on that, then why would she do that? To go along with the story of my life? Meaning, God’s insistence that I be bullshitted so much? Is she just a new liar to replace old liars who are either no longer in my life or those who are but who no longer lie to me?

Before going to Andy’s yesterday, I got a message that Karson left him that he stuck on my machine. Karson was whining something along the lines of, “I know Mystery’s mad at me cuz I’m pregnant but tell her that her idol is gonna be performing here live sometime soon, but I don’t know when for sure.”

That’s OK cuz I hate live concerts and Gloria will be here in July and Andy and I both certainly hate Karson’s guts. Well, I can’t say that I hate her as she never really did me wrong. She’s just too whacked out and I’m not the Massachusetts Jodi anymore, so I don’t like getting phone calls 5 times a day anymore.

I’m doing a large ceiling-to-floor cat for Andy, but it’s somewhat different from mine. Its tail will be behind it, rather than gathered around in front of it like mine.

Andy’s place may be somewhat quieter than here, but although he has no desire to move for quite a while, he’s come to see that it’s not as quiet as he thought it’d be. He says across the street from him he hears a baby cry on a daily basis. Also, he does hear some dogs. I heard one for about two minutes while I was there, but couldn’t see or tell where it was coming from.

I typed up a book with recipes for arts and crafts stuff in it for Tom. It was a library book that is due back today. There were just over 100 of them and I did it in 3 days. I also did manage to size up letters on Kim’s stationery that she sent, after a few tries.

Later…

OK, what the hell is he up to now? Get this, he’s now trying to tell me that there are significant changes going on in our lives, but I can’t see them cuz they’re gradual changes and I’m not used to gradual changes, only sudden ones.

First of all, let me say that it doesn’t look good at all for him getting on nights. Bummer, but I guess they’re just not gonna need more people cuz according to him, there’s hardly any work to do. Now who knows if and when we’ll ever get ahead in life and have more time together? He says, though, that this is a good thing cuz he at least didn’t get himself locked into anything. True, and I guess he’s gonna have to stay on days for a while, but that good feeling I had revolving around a job or raise in June is hopefully still on. I mean, I still hope that something better comes up for him during that time.

Anyway, he said he’s so sure that my life won’t be the same by July 10th and that he wants us both to write down what we feel won’t change and he’ll let me throw it in his face and call him a liar in July if I’m as right as I know I’ll be. So, we wrote down what we think will still be the same (believe me, my life will be the same for years) and we didn’t show each other what we wrote. Instead, we sealed them in an envelope which is not to be opened till then.

He really loves to play games with me. And what is he, does he get off on me throwing things up in his face or something? Does he get off by my calling him a liar and telling him I told him so about certain things he insists will change or happen that I know won’t or can’t?

God is he weird! He either knows something I don’t or is just playing his usual games. The trick is to get my hopes up or try to anyway just to see me fail, not get what I want so I can be upset over it while he laughs to himself.

Nonetheless, here’s what I wrote. Things that won’t happen or change by July 10th:

• I’ll still be smoking.
• I’ll still have a weird schedule.
• We’ll still be living here.
• The money situation may be better, but not a lot.
• You still won’t cum.
• I won’t be pregnant.
• I either won’t be working or I’ll be doing something that’s no big deal to me.
• You still won’t want to have sex more often with me and sex will still be basically one-sided (for me).
• I’ll still be angry at you here and there and feel you’re lying and teasing me about having a kid and that it’s not what you want.
• We won’t have the bed or even half of the material things we want.

Later…

I just called Tammy about an hour ago and she sounded really bummed out. She told me to check the computer for her message. I immediately thought something was wrong. I thought maybe Bill was sick or something. I asked if she needed to talk and she said no. So I told her I’d go check the message, then send a reply. She said, “Oh, I’m sure you will.”

She woke up to a foot of snow, schools were closed, she had to cancel patients since Bill took her van which ended up getting stuck, she was cold, etc.

Oh, this is soooooooooooooo fucking funny!! So they’re getting April snow showers, instead of April showers! I left Andy a message, laughing my ass off as I read her message. It’ll totally make his day. He could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and this will totally snap him out of it.

It’s already getting hot out there, but God how I hate it here at times! Those fucking dogs two yards down really make me wish I had a gun! It’s so sad and so cruel just how many dogs are left outside 24/7. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Arizona had a law against dogs being allowed indoors.

They better fucking not wake me up next door, either, or I’ll be sooo pissed and boy will I let them know it! Please Robin, please be right and watch over me and keep them quiet! Please don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had since the music stopped across the street and since the M's shut up (except for the ball games and dogs). Please don’t stick the car music on me in place of kids or ball games. Please, God, please!? I know I’m blessed with being in Arizona, but please let me sleep and have my peace?!

As far as the lousy winter goes that New England’s had in ‘93 and ‘96, compensation really does happen. No wonder I can’t have a kid and Andy’s loveless.

Mike Tyson’s in trouble again since a woman filed a sexual assault charge on him. See? A rapist can’t be changed. No matter if they’re rich, poor, famous or not.

The Phoenix Pig Department is under fire again too, for harassing people. I never thought I could hate pigs and authority figures so much, but I do. When Andy was driving me home the other night, the pigs were speeding for no reason at all. They think they’re God.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure I hate just about everyone in general.