I might be going over to Andy’s tonight after he gets off work to work more on the cat.

Later…

Those stupid, stupid fucks next door! You can’t even ask someone nicely to do you a small simple little favor. Everyone in this world is so fucking selfish, it’s pitiful. They just can’t deal with turning their stereo down or off 30 seconds before driving up and parking their car. They just have to blare it up in between the houses. People either don’t do anything you ask of them or make false promises. Was my asking them to turn the stereo down upon coming and going that big of a deal? Is it really such a hard thing for them to do? Do they only give a shit about themselves? Obviously so and I’ve decided I’m not gonna worry about blaring my music and if they complain - tough shit unless they turn theirs down. They don’t blare it when they come and go early or late, but if I had been asleep, it probably would’ve woken me up and I’m not gonna go through that shit all over again of having to get up when neighbors say so.

We talked over the last couple of days and I told Tom that I feel he does too many things he says I shouldn’t do. I asked him if he was punishing me by not having sex with me cuz I’ve needed to talk over the last couple of days. He said he was reluctant to cuz he was afraid of what the consequences may be. I reminded him of how he advised me not to have any preconceived ideas of the outcome of things, so why does he? He says don’t let life’s events control the things I do. Then why can’t we have sex or do whatever else after we’ve had discussions? Well, at least he went down on me, but when I went to do him by hand, he only got semi-hard.

I feel he’s contradicting and confusing, too, when he says don’t try to control or manipulate my thoughts and don’t decide how I’m gonna act on them. He’s basically said not to hold things in, yet talking about certain things will “ruin all he’s worked on.” How could I have done that two-week thing, yet talk when I need to? How can not trying to control or manipulate my thoughts or feelings make me less angry or depressed like he says it will? So, basically he’s saying to talk about what I need to, yet he doesn’t want to talk about certain things cuz then he has them in his head, so he says, and it ruins what he’s been working for, which is nothing that I can see as far as sex goes. He says he’s not blaming me for his not cumming and us not having a kid, yet he is. He does blame me indirectly in several different ways.

Then he says he doesn’t want to wait till September to start a kid but suggests college at the same time as something to consider? He’s been saying for well over a year that he doesn’t want to wait, yet he doesn’t cum. So, I asked him, which is it? Do you want to start a kid or have me think about going to college? His answer is not to plan when and how things are gonna happen and to just let things play themselves out. A kid is never gonna “play itself out” as long as he remains the way he is and whether or not we plan it. He’s still all talk and no action who says that in his mind - we will have a kid. No. I know I won’t be pregnant by September or ever and I really want to check out some college in August and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I don’t know yet how I’m gonna manage to keep the schedule and I know next door’s gonna wake me up at least once a week.

Then fucking Robin had to come by last night and tell me that I was to be finding out I was pregnant by September and that college may be a good and right thing for me, but not in Sept. Yeah, right!

Boy, I’ll tell you, though, there’s nothing like having a husband and a spirit play with your head and tell you such tall tales!

Back to next door. What the fuck am I gonna do about them? It’s obvious that asking them nicely isn’t gonna do a damn bit of good (this is my compensation for the M’s being cool about my asking them to quiet down). If I smash their car or do anything to them, they’ll just get us back some way, so what do I do? Just resign to the fact that they’re gonna do this at least one or two times a week, maybe more in the future and hope to hell I sleep through it? Is that all I really can do? It pisses me off. It really pisses me the fuck off! I know it’s gonna be years before we move, so how many more families are gonna live there while we’re here creating whatever kind of noise? Are we ever gonna live in someplace like my sister lives? Are there any houses out here in Arizona that don’t have other houses 5 feet away from them that you don’t have to be rich to afford?