The vibrator is just about completely dead and Tom said that the transformer he put on died and that it wasn’t the right one. Well, then why’d he put this one on? He says he has others that are right for it.

He wanted to have sex earlier but then changed his mind cuz I had to tell him something first. I can’t do or say anything in order to get laid! He knew when I was going to use the vibrator, too, and why he didn’t offer himself instead, beats me.

He also swears he didn’t lie about wanting to place the bet, he said he made a mistake by placing that bet and didn’t know it’d be a mistake at the time he placed it with me. He said you can’t call someone a liar for making a mistake. What a casual way to cover up the truth! I mean, how fucking convenient! He’s gonna use that same idea for the appointment next year if we do go. He’ll say he thought maybe it could help us and he honestly tried to make it work and let it help him, but that’ll be a mistake, too.

He swears he still wants a kid and that it’s possible, but I don’t want to be set up by him or myself to fall, even though it sometimes makes me so very, very sad to know we’ll never have one.

He asked me if I meant it when I said I didn’t want a kid a few days ago. I do, but I know it’s not right and that it won’t happen, so it doesn’t matter what I want, right? Not when he’s got all the control and the power to let us have a kid or to make sure we don’t. The ball’s in his court and it’s all up to him, as I told him. Along with God.

Why does God hate me so much? Sometimes I feel he hates me so damn much and really wants to just torture the shit out of me. What did I do to make him hate me so much? And if it’s true that we pay for the sins of our forefathers, then what did any of my ancestors do that was so bad? He must have hated the hell out of someone so bad that did something so very wrong to have me pay for it for the rest of my life, if it isn’t all cuz it’s me he hates and me only. There’s always a price to pay for the wonderful things we do get, too. If I were pregnant, would God replace my life with some other issue that would make me angry and depressed? Would he make sure the kid was deformed? Would he make sure the labor and delivery drove me out of my mind? Would he make sure I was a bad mom? Would he ruin our marriage? What would he do if he let me have my way on this one? I’ll never know.

It’s so hard sometimes to tell myself that Tom and God really did make the correct decision. It’s so hard to not blow up at Tom cuz he can’t deal with that. Why can’t people just have the things they want in life? If not everything they want, then why not the things they want the most? I’m not asking to be 6 feet tall or anything far out. I’m just asking for a child to love and to hopefully be loved back by that child and to make a difference for the better in that child’s life and to not be like my mom was.

I envy Tammy and Larry. They know what they want to do with their lives and they have kids. Me? I’m 30 years old and I don’t know what the fuck I want to do since I can’t do what I want to do.

Tom said he wouldn’t have sex with me, if I didn’t want a kid, without birth control of some kind. What a waste of time, effort and money! That tells me that he’s probably thinking, “If she’s on birth control, then I can cum without having to worry about ending up with this kid I never wanted. Meanwhile, as long as she says she does want one, I’ll go along with it, say I want one, too, and take care of my own self.” He probably wouldn’t cum right away to try to cover for the truth, though, knowing him.

I still wish I knew how this was gonna end and when. Will he ever come out and admit he never wanted one? Or will he suddenly decide he doesn’t want one and tell me that, even though he never wanted one? I think he’ll always swear to wanting one, swear he tried, but just couldn’t ever cum.

This is what I did about the letters. I ditched Bob’s letters but cut out about 6 drawings he did that I like and want to draw myself and put them in the back of this journal. I kept everyone else’s letters, but will no longer keep any letters unless they’re different or special to me for some reason.

I spoke to Mom and Dad (Anna & Harry) yesterday. First Dad answered and didn’t know who I was at first. He was happy to hear from me. Then he said, “Here’s your mother.”

She got on saying, “Hi Peanuts, what’s up?” and we had a very good talk. She and her family are in good health and they were once out in Scottsdale and says you never know if they’ll ever come out here again. She says her son Freddie divorced, remarried, and has a 6-month-old son as well as a 12-year-old son with his first wife. She complimented me on my artwork and they said to give their love to Tom and that they’re so happy for me and my life out here. Of course, they don’t know that I cry over this baby I can never have. She also said she’ll be answering my letter and I told her to take her time since I know how busy she is.

Oh, how I hope Tom and I can see them someday, even if it’s for one last time.

Andy’s new number will be easy to remember. He got rid of his number that began with 508 cuz he said it was too much like a pager.

Andy got a letter from Sarah who now lives with her boyfriend in L.A. I’ll be sending her a letter and I’m sure I’ll be hearing from her, too.

Tom said it’s OK to listen to and consider what she and Robin may tell me, but that I must make my own decisions and not look for signs or other sources. Well, it’s awfully hard to make a decision you can’t make. And I’m sorry, but other sources are a factor and they don’t let me make my own decisions.

I have been having more dreams with babies in them as I asked for as a sign of whatever, but it never seems to be our kid. The kid is always someone else’s, so it seems and I’m just a bystander. It must be something about Kim getting pregnant, although she said she was gonna wait till right after she’s married. Maybe they set a date and that’s why I’ve been having more. Who knows what the dreams mean?

Tomorrow I have to get up earlier to go to his parent’s house to see Steven and his family who came in for Easter. I don’t think Steven’s wife’s son Matthew will be there, though. I think he’s with his dad. Carol’s parents own a private plane, so that’s how they came over. Steven and Carol will be staying with Mom and Dad for a couple of days I guess and they’ll surely be in for lots of noise! That place is a wild, horrendous zoo.

I’m probably gonna be bored out of my mind tomorrow for the most part, since Tom will no doubt want to stay there for hours since he doesn’t get to see Steven too often. I hope I’m not dog-tired, either.