I just saw a movie about a true story that was really sad. It actually made me cry and very few movies ever do that to me. This movie is a classic example of how unfair and cruel life is, and of course, it only fuels my hatred for God. There was this woman who had a daughter and gave it up for adoption to a stable couple who couldn’t have kids. Meanwhile, the woman lied about who the father was, and the real father ended up being one who was violent and who abandoned two other kids. So, after two years of the good couple raising her just fine, the courts said she had to go to her biological parents. I felt so heartbroken for this poor kid and it brought back bad memories of how I had to be forced to go places I didn’t want to go. How the fuck can people create and have such a shitty system? How can God allow this to happen? How can God allow a child to go to a lying mother who already has one other kid and a violent non-caring father who has 3 other kids, two of whom he dumped? Meanwhile, this deserving couple who can’t have kids has to suffer with no kids at all. I really hate both God and this fucked up, cruel, unfair world in which we live. If people won’t do what’s right, then when the fuck is God gonna finally put his foot down and do what’s right? Why must God allow and aid such cruel, mean, sick, unfair shit to happen in this world? Why must God give what they say is his ultimate gift to so many undeserving people and bless them with all kinds of wonderful things, while shitting on good people? When can good people have what they deserve? It makes me feel all the more that God hates us and thinks we’re just these two no-good, non-deserving people who ought to rot in hell, never get what we really want and struggle all our lives while we dream of the normal everyday things in life that we’ll never have as we watch undeserving assholes get them. Why must it be that if you take 10 people and have 9 of them be jerks, it’s that one good person in the bunch who can’t have kids or some other thing they want and so richly deserve or would be good at? Tom and I must really deserve a child after all. It must really be that we’d be great parents, I could’ve handled it and not been like my mom after all, or why else would we be denied a child? For our health? Well, maybe that is the case, too, as I’ve said before. Maybe God knows something we don’t, like maybe I’d die in childbirth or all kinds of other things could go wrong with the kid, our marriage, anything. But if God can do anything, then couldn’t he make sure that nothing terrible went wrong or something we couldn’t handle? This is why I doubt he’s protecting me by denying me a child, cuz if there was a problem, God could make sure it didn’t stop us. If I’m not paying for someone else’s sins, it’s gotta be just cuz he plain old hates me and doesn’t think I’m a bad enough person for it. Only bad people deserve his so-called ultimate gift. I know I shouldn’t let God get the best of me (or Tom), but it’s hard. Tom said not to try to fight, control or manipulate my feelings and maybe he’s right. I can’t deny my true beliefs, feelings or desires to myself anyway. I may as well let my mind flow freely and bitch about shit, even if I can’t change it and I know I can’t and I can’t fight fate, either. As weird as it may sound, though, knowing God and Tom will never allow me a child has still been easier than ever to deal with. Especially since our last fight. My feelings about the way God works and the way Tom lied will never change, but I haven’t had the desperate, sad, and angry feelings about it that I’ve had on and off. Maybe my anger towards Tom is transferring into forgiveness after all. And maybe the other part of it is that I’m accepting God’s ways and his rules more so. I always have, but I guess the acceptance has hit home harder.

Tom is just so confusing still. He still loves to play head games with me, while denying that he’s preventing anything or lying and saying how it’s best not to plan stuff. One minute he swears he doesn’t want to wait on having a kid and that he knows I’ll be pregnant by September, the next he’s giving me all kinds of advice on how to up my chances of going to college. I know I’ll either be in college or working in September, so I guess it doesn’t matter what he says, even though I wish he’d speak the truth. I don’t like being lied to and he knows it. Yesterday, I said I wished they’d tell me I needed a hysterectomy out of frustration cuz of the physical part of the PMS which is pretty bad this month. He said, “But you don’t like people lying to you.” Then why does he do it? What makes him think it’s OK for him to lie to me then? Why does Robin think it’s OK to lie to me?

I guess it all goes back to the fact that God has a basic plan for all of us when we’re born. He insisted that people lie to me and take things from me and keep things from me and force me into second best for the most part. That doesn’t include living in Arizona or marrying Tom, either. That is definitely first-best and for that, I’m thrilled and very happy and grateful. I think Tom knows and understands, though, that just cuz you’re married to first-best (except for the lies), you can still feel empty, cheated, and like a waste product who doesn’t know if she’s got a future, other than the same old rut. Yes, this life is way better than before I met Tom and no, I’d never want to go back to my old life or give up the things I have today, but is this it?

Yes.

Later…

I guess Andy’s landlord did fix his EC, cuz he hasn’t called us asking Tom to come over and check it out. Just after midnight on Saturday, he said he wasn’t sure if it was fixed and that his landlord didn’t leave a note about fixing it, but said it did seem cooler. I told him to let me know how it was when he got up in the afternoon, which would’ve been yesterday, then to see if he could get a hold of his landlord. If not, call us, but he hasn’t.

Since there seems to be no chance at all of going to Florida for the next several months, I wonder if my parents will ever come out here. I can’t say I’m too upset over our not being able to go there, cuz you know how I feel about that. I’d have too many worries. Could I sleep okay? Could I breathe okay? Would everything else be okay?

Later…

According to Tom, I slept through 11 minutes of quite a riot next door. I didn’t think Andy’s theory was right when he said it could’ve been just her cuz of how I look. It’s all of them cuz they’re like most people who don’t give a shit about those around them. He said about 4 cars came in (all adult men) and for 11 minutes they played ball, screamed at the top of their lungs, and blared rap music. Then after 11 minutes, everyone left and it went dead quiet. Tom thinks they just came back from a basketball game cuz it’s the end of basketball season. They better not do this very often and they’re lucky they didn’t wake me up. I can’t believe Robin’s been right so far. Tom says not to worry cuz he thinks it’ll be very seldom that they do this and that basketball season is ending and it’ll be too hot for them to do this. I asked what about the winter and he says they’ll be watching football in the winter. I hope so. And I hope they continue not to be home too often. I guess that during weekdays they won’t be here too much. I hope not so I can at least have 5 days to sing in privacy. I don’t like people to hear me when I’m practicing. If I want an audience, I’ll go get one. I’m glad that kid hasn’t been around to play ball. Maybe he just didn’t feel comfortable playing at their house. Who knows, but I’m glad he’s gone cuz now I can’t tell him to go away since the house isn’t vacant anymore.

Now I’m gonna go see if I’ve got any email, then I’ll watch some TV.