I hope I get my period soon enough to relieve my sore tits. Plus, I swear I’ve got 50 gallons of water retaining in me. This has been the easiest period in the longest time I’ve had as far as the emotional side of it goes. Could it be compensation for the last one which was rough? Or could it be cuz of getting my emotions out that day I hit and kicked Tom and really came to accept the fact that there’d be no kid? Well, it’s nice for a change, anyway.

Tom and I screwed earlier and he said that he had a pre-cum throb which he hasn’t had in a long time and that we were getting back to where we were. Well, that’s nice since it seems to have taken him longer in the past, but I still don’t get what he means exactly. Maybe it’s just his way of trying to help make me feel that I don’t suck in bed.

At first I thought that Tom was trying to convince me that it wasn’t them next door blaring their car music just so I wouldn’t be pissed off about it and so he wouldn’t have to deal with it, but now I don’t even know for sure if it is really them. That night I went to Andy’s, I ran into the music room when I heard it, listening for the sound of a car door to open and close, but I never heard one. Then Tom said he heard that car quietly leave at 5:00 the next morning. The one parked next door at the time.

A couple of nights ago at 8:30 when I was listening to music, Tom said he heard music for about 30 seconds, but that he was sure it wasn’t next door. There was never any car next door, either, even though there were lights on.

Then last night I heard it for about 10 seconds just after 8:00, but there are still no cars there, even though there are lights on. They either have the lights on and aren’t there or maybe they came in at 5:30 yesterday afternoon. I could’ve sworn I heard a car pull up, doors shut, then a kid cry for about 5 seconds.

So, just maybe it isn’t them after all and maybe I was dreaming that time I thought music woke me up. We’ll just have to wait and see, but I’m beginning to relax and think that maybe things will be okay. They’re hardly ever there. I almost never hear the kid. I think I’ve only heard it twice for a few seconds since they moved in what? Late February or early March? Maybe Robin’s right.

Them saying I’ll be pregnant soon is still so unreal as I’ve said before, but if there’s a one-in-a-million chance that Tom’s not joking and he really came closer than he has in a while, is it a coincidence? His language is weird cuz he says that saying “I think you’ll be pregnant by September” and “I know you’ll be pregnant by September” means the same thing. Whereas with me, saying “I think I will” means I think I will, but don’t know for sure, but hope and think so. If I said I know so, that means I know it and there are no ifs, ands or buts. Then he said that in my language that meant that he knows so. Whatever.

I wrote letters to Bob and my parents and addressed envelopes to my parents, Bob, Kim, Larry, and one for Sarah. I hope Tom gets the chance to get 25 of those 1¢ stamps for postcards this weekend, so I can mail some off.

This weekend I’ll probably give Kim a call. It’s been a while since we chatted. That is if she’s home. I wonder when Larry will call or if he’s been trying.

Yesterday I began exercising my legs and today I did my arms and belly. Hope I can stick to this.

Earlier we cut Tom’s hair and it wasn’t the disaster it was the last time. He did the front and sides and I did the back. We did a nice job and he doesn’t look like Mr. Military.

Today Tom will be going to Evelyn’s to finish some more work on her sink and then to his parent’s house. I’ll be asleep most of the day and I just hope and pray that if it is them next door, I hope they don’t get carried away and blare that fucking music. They seem to come and go during weekends, but last weekend I don’t think they were there at all.

Later…

I was just talking to Andy who is kind of depressed even though he expected to be. It’s amazing how everything he said really hit home and how we both feel the same emotions. The only difference is that his is about a boyfriend and mine’s about the kid. He too, has felt that love wasn’t meant for him since he was a little boy, just like I knew since I was a little girl that I could never have a kid.

The things he said totally hit home and were things I’ve often said and probably always will. He’d say stuff like, what’s the point of living? What’s my purpose in life? Why am I so cursed? I’m just totally trying to fight fate when there’s not a damn thing I can ever do to change it. God has his mind made up and he’ll never change it. God wants me to be alone forever. I had fun trying to get things I wanted at times, but I knew the final outcome wouldn’t be what I wanted, etc.

Later…

I’m still awake, but getting quite tired. I suppose Tom will be up anytime now.

Yesterday, due to it warming up, the pool was so green that you couldn’t even see the bottom. So, he got “shock treatment” and shocked the hell out of and now it’s such a milky light blue color that you still can’t see through it. Soon, though, it’ll be nice and clear.

I can hear my birds now who are up for the day.

Later…

Once again, Robin came to me as I was falling asleep saying I’d wake up OK, I need not worry about next door and that I’ll be pregnant soon. She seems to be doing this a lot lately.

Anyway, I’m both happy and shocked to say that next door had a soundless party. When Tom came home I was already asleep and he said there were 4 cars next door. After I got up, I peeked over to next door from the music room where I can see the carport and their living room window. This was the early evening. Their blinds were open and I could see one guy drinking from a can. About an hour ago I checked and all the lights were off. I think I heard cars leave and they did so quietly. So, if they came in with any music on, it certainly didn’t wake me up. If I’d known there were gonna be 4 cars arriving after falling asleep, I’d have been very nervous, but luckily it would’ve been for nothing. Still, I like to not know what my neighbors are up to. If Tom didn’t see the cars and if I didn’t spy, I’d never have known about it and that’s just what I like. To not know my neighbors exist or what they’re up to. Not unless I spy on them.

I have about 8 hours worth of movies taped, so I think I’m gonna break from writing and go watch something.

First, though, Tom got $20 from working at Evelyn’s just as I predicted. I knew it’d be $10 or $20. He also visited his parents and said his dad is doing terribly. He has bad stomach problems.

Then he picked out a really neat screensaver which I’ll describe later and said we’re about to go through a lot of major changes.

Yeah, sure.