Tom should be home any minute now, so I’ll just say that before I fell asleep close to noon, Robin came to me and told me I’d sleep just fine and that I still had nothing to worry about as far as next door’s concerned. She also wouldn’t say what or give any details, but she did say that I’d be surprised by what could happen by July 10th. I’m not sure I buy the last thing she said, but she sure did mean it when she said I’d sleep okay and for this, I’m more than grateful.

Later…

Tom’s home and eating now. It still doesn’t look good for him working nights. Yeah, I figured. I mean, I’m not surprised, since it just doesn’t seem meant to be for us to spend more time together. Even if we spent all day and every day together, I still don’t think we’d have more sex. The lack of sex and the denial of a kid isn’t just God’s doing. It’s his own choice too. You can’t make yourself get into something you’re just not into. And you can’t always make someone into something or make them do something they don’t want to do. He still has hopes of finding a way to get on nights full-time, but I have a strong vibe that it isn’t gonna happen.

Like I said, things will be the same for years in general and there’ll never be a kid. I told him, though, not to just take my word for it and to check it out anyway. I just think that the more we want something, the less likely it is to happen (especially with me). Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t psychic. I hate having a strong vibe of something bad and then knowing it’s gonna happen, then seeing it happen. If I weren’t psychic, it’d still be obvious, for example, that Tom doesn’t want a kid by his not cumming. If he couldn’t get hard at all, then I’d believe he had a true problem that was out of his control. But anyone that’s the way he is has one fear in mind and one fear only…a kid.

Yesterday I got to thinking about all the pictures my mom stole. Boy, I sure do miss them at times.

I asked Tom if there’s anything he’d like me to tell this journal and he said I could get writing my retractions. Meaning, say I’m sorry that I say he’s a liar. I told him he hasn’t given me any reason to and that if he pulls his pants down and gives me a reason to, then I will.

I then mentioned calling the radio station to try to request a song, but then he said I won’t be listening to it (cuz we’ll be having sex). Now he’s in the bathroom taking a dump and he took in a library book with him. Yeah, I’ll bet he’s jerking it off right now, too.

Andy left me a message in response to my laughing on his machine about the snow Tammy’s got and he was laughing, too. He said he talked to his friend Adam at the hotel and that he and his coworkers were so jealous about it being 88 degrees here today.

Later…

We had sex and now he’s gone to bed. I told him that I’d write in here about how he’s gonna finish what I’ve started before he falls asleep. He just denied that, of course, and told me I was a nut.

There were pros and cons to the sex we just had. After my periods I feel better emotionally, but it’s harder for me to cum and I thought I’d never cum at one point. The good thing about his not wanting to fully participate in sex is that I can just have him pull out and go down on me if I’m close but am having a hard time cumming easily. If the sex was mutual for us, I wouldn’t be able to do that without him feeling teased and saying I was selfish.

So, that goes to prove again that all bad things have good in them and that good things have bad in them.

He picked up 3 interesting books from the library today when he went to return my John Saul book and renew another one I’ve just begun. One’s titled How to Turn Hobbies into Cash, but it’s not what we thought it’d be about. We thought that if your hobby is drawing, for example, it’d tell you the best way to go about selling your drawings, but instead it’s about selling others that draw things related to drawing. Take my journal-writing, for example, I’d be selling other people’s journals, pens, bookmarks and stuff like that.

The other one is Card Games for Two which is nice since everything’s usually family this and family that.

The last one was instructions for many different kinds of games.

Later…

I just stopped to feed the birds. That weird-looking one I call Measles, that’s white with gray splotches, comes around regularly now.

I just realized something. Tom’s exact words were that I could “retract all the horrible things I’ve been writing about him.”

A-ha. So, he’s been reading my journals. How else would he know I’ve been writing horrible things about him? That’d even mean that he’s read my list of stuff I said won’t happen by July 10th. You see, the reason why we agreed to not read what each other wrote was so that one couldn’t be influenced by the other, but I know better. Meaning, it doesn’t matter what I say, cuz if it isn’t something he wants, there’s nothing I could do to influence him into it. So, if he’s read my list or anything else, oh well. It’s not gonna change a damn thing. He’s a very stubborn, arrogant and determined guy. If he decides there’ll be no kid, there’ll be no kid and he’ll do or say whatever he has to do to get his way while keeping me and anything else he may want to keep along with it. Just as long as nothing enters his life that he’s against. Of course, he’d be against getting in a car accident, but that’s nothing he can guarantee in the way that he could guarantee that I don’t get pregnant.

To break down and examine one of the 3 theories I have as to why God’s dead-set against me having a child - the paying for the sins of the forefathers one, well, I thought about it. Now, all my life I’ve felt punished and have been punished/cursed in many different ways. One thing after another. I wonder, then, if it’s possible that God wanted to torture me with Tom’s not cumming, then at a later date will let Tom not be afraid to cum, then I’ll have to deal with the torture of really knowing that the DES did get the best of me. I already know that, but then there’s really knowing it. I’ve only been sprayed 10-15 times before by other guys, so maybe that’s it. Maybe he wants to torture me for a few years with this, then let him let himself cum, then get my hopes up slightly, only to see that year after year the DES got me. I don’t know. After all, it does seem more likely that together Tom and God will see to it that Tom just never cums at all. No matter if we see doctors or not and no matter what’s going on in our lives.