Well, I guess I did get punished for saying I was taking charge of my own life, body and dreams. I should have stuck to what I said about quitting TV cuz one of the movies I taped is completely fucked up. I can’t see or hear it. But why did Tom ask me what channels I was watching? Did he do something to it? I don’t think he’d play around with it on me. I don’t think that’s his idea of a joke. He hasn’t said anything about bad reception, so I’m sure it was God sending a message that I can’t control what I do and that must’ve been his way of punishing me for “talking back” to him.

Or maybe it was Robin, cuz I told her last night that there are 3 things she must do if she wants to hang around here and that’s to know that it’s my body and my life, that I’m not gonna take her lying to me and that she’s not to fuck with the TV reception or other electrical stuff. Then when she tried to tell me I was 10 days pregnant, I told her that was it, she was to go away and stay away. So this could’ve been retaliation on her part.

I told Tom all about the dream and that I fully intended to take charge of my own life. I didn’t tell him I felt I could be just kidding myself, though. I’m not sure how he felt about it and I could have sworn he gave me that “look” so to speak that said I was gonna be wrong. You see, he seems to have a thing about proving the opposite of what people say. He seems to be dead set against the idea that if you say something’s gonna be a certain way, you limit yourself, and therefore, it does seem like he’s trying to prove this to me. At the same time, he seems to want to prove to me that if I say negative things, such as that we can’t have a kid, he seems to want to prove that if I say stuff like that, it’ll come true.

Basically, it almost seems like he tries to prove me wrong about positive things I say and right about negative things I say. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made sure I wasn’t pregnant in a couple of months to try to prove to me something he’s always felt strongly about and that’s that I can’t control things. They must happen in their own time.

He says it’d be no problem financially if I was pregnant now or in the past, but another thing that makes me wonder if he’s totally leveling with me is my teeth. He says he’s not gonna start looking for another job till my teeth are done so we don’t have to switch insurance right in the middle of dealing with my teeth. Once again, I wonder if he’s saying he’s ready for the kid now, but really wants to wait for that new job. Who knows for sure? Only his actions will tell.

He says he doesn’t keep track of where I am in my cycle too precisely, but if he doesn’t, and if he knows we haven’t hit it right, then why isn’t he putting more effort into doing so after 5 months? I mean, he is by this "job" we’re doing, but it still seems pretty ironic that he doesn’t cum that much, doesn’t cum at the right times, and has always got a problem. Really. There’s always a problem. Last night’s problem was that the friction felt different and maybe I was too dry. I’m more sensitive than he is, so if such a problem existed, how come I didn’t feel it? He’s getting rather obvious that he’ll happily take a kid if it came now but would much rather wait. He’s just too tired, too hurt, too sore and something’s always just not quite right. I also think he knows right where I am in my cycle.

The way he rides me when he cums is also different from the way he does it when he doesn’t cum. It seems that when he cums, he moves much quicker and for a little longer. So yes, I wonder if he’s intentionally moving slower for a quicker amount of time most of the time we screw. If this is true, of course he’s gonna do it when it’s less likely for me to conceive, as well as when it’s more likely, cuz he probably figures that makes it look less obvious.

Well, like I said, we’ll just have to wait and see what he does in the next couple of months. Hopefully, I won’t see any kind of a pattern here as the months go by. We’ll see just how right or how wrong I am. He did tell me not to give up on him and that he is sure our sex life will progress even further. It really has come a long way since we first began, but it sure was a really slow process.

On the flip side, he said something earlier tonight that really touched me. I’ve been working really hard on cutting down on the cigarettes till Friday, cuz we’ll be short of money till then. I asked him if he was proud of me for taking charge of my life and he said he’s prouder of me for the cigarettes, cuz I’m usually so stubborn about that than he is about the kid issue. He said in such a matter-of-fact tone of voice like never before, “The kid is going to happen.” He’s said this before, but never has this time touched me as much as any other time he’s said this. And he did seem 100% sincere. I don’t know what it was about the way he said it, but maybe it’s cuz he’s never said it with the degree of the matter-of-fact tone he used earlier. It was like he knew it like he knows I’m a journal writer.

Later...

I got a hold of Tammy and rubbed in our lovely monitor. Her reaction was so expected and so funny. She was like, who gives a shit? We always tease each other about the nice new stuff we get.

One week from tomorrow I’ll be on the rag, so I hope to hell I don’t start getting bad PMS. I hate PMS with a passion! I hate feeling so depressed and sometimes even like I want to drop dead. So far, so good, though, cuz now’s the time I usually start feeling this way, but once I get down to where there’s like 3-5 days left before I’m ragging, I feel like shit. That’s when the worst of the depression sets in and the pre-cramps are strongest, but I should be getting those any minute now.

Later...

Tom got in at 5:30, ate, and then we talked. We also raced each other on the two computers to who would win solitaire first and I was the winner on that one.

Then we did our job right before he went to bed and tonight’s excuse was the usual - he was tired. And he says he’s gonna get to the point where he’s cumming daily? How? Well, I still think he can and that he’s not always so tired. I think it’s simply a case of him telling himself, “I’m not that tired. I’m just not gonna cum more often till I feel damn good and ready and when it’s a better time to get her pregnant.”

He put very little effort into it. He was only on top of me for barely a few minutes, then, as if he felt guilty and knew what he was doing, he began kissing me frantically as he was getting off me, saying I was so good that I wore him out. If I was so good, then why didn’t he get off? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work, or is everyone really that different like he says?

Amazingly, I still have no pre-cramps, but I know I’ll be hit with them any second now. I’ve got other PMS symptoms - bloating, water, gas, constipation, sore tits and occasional backaches. Not too bad with the emotions and I hope it stays that way.

I’ve really got to ignore Robin for a while. They just asked me when I was gonna get my period. I told them a week from today and they started that fucking giggling. Do they think I’m that stupid? As if I didn’t know any better. My periods are as stuck on me as I am on cigarettes and that’s about as stuck as you can get.

In a little while I’ll write about my talk last night with Andy, his friend Delvis, then the call I got from Tammy today that I totally expected. She both cracked me up and pissed me off, but I’ll get into all that later and the deal I struck with myself.

Later...

Tom, Andy and I were getting a real kick out of how Bob says he came into the world bald, so he has to exit that way. Typical Bob. I told Tom and Andy that if I were to commit suicide, I’d have to cut my hair really short since that’s how I came into this world. I came in with a full head of hair. Also, if I decide to commit suicide, I’ll have to shave my pussy hair and go back to being deaf in one ear, since I came into this world deaf in one ear and with no pussy hair.

I typed up the immediate to-do list for Tom. I put each thing in a different font with boxes after each thing to check off when it’s completed. Of course, the ‘make the kid’ will never get checked off, since I’m only fooling myself to think that I could do what I want with my life/body. However, there’s hope for the other things which are, the back room, the patio/yard, the sound blocks, the stereo cover, the heater, and I think that’s it. Who knows how many months or years this will all take, though.

No wonder I’ve had moving vibes about next door. I don’t think they’re there. Well, she’s there, cuz I see lights on over there, but I don’t think he’s been there. I do hear music here and there, but it’s way too soft to always be him. I mean, it’s a totally reasonable volume and I don’t see what would make him so polite and considerate of his neighbors all of a sudden. It could be this, though. These people are obviously able to handle the heat of the summers here with no problem. Last summer’s parties proved that. So, maybe it was really loud cuz he had had his car windows open. Now that it’s cooled down, and given the fact that if you can take the heat, you can’t take the cooler weather or the cold well and vice versa, he may have his car windows shut now.

Last night I was chatting with Andy, cuz I wanted him to hear the Springfield weather line I just checked out. I had checked it out, cuz I wanted to compare it to what AOL had to say their weather was. Finally, they’re having more of a winter and they even have patches of snow on the ground and today and yesterday they only hit about 30° and had lows in the teens.

Andy called Delvis collect. He used to work with her in Springfield and they’ve kept in touch. She lives in a really scummy area. Almost as bad as Oswego St. She said it was freezing there and she had 5 blankets on her bed. She had to get up and go out in that freezing cold and walk to the bus stop at 6 AM when it’s gonna be really fucking freezing! We were laughing our asses off at her and rubbing in how our low last night was 63° and that we’ve been in the mid-80s. She was really sweet to take it, though, as Andy pointed out.

Now I know why Tom said my folks may beat me to the happy Chanukah call. Chanukah starts at sundown on the 5th and my birthday is on the 4th, so maybe they’ll call for that, but I still wouldn’t be too shocked if they didn’t. I guess the letter really didn’t go over too well with them. Especially since I didn’t get any packages yet. Or maybe she hasn’t gotten around to it, is sending it with birthday or holiday stuff, or is making up their own letter to get me back with. Who knows? Like with Marty, Ruth, Tammy, and myself, we all have to do what we have to do.

I knew Tammy would be calling anytime to brag about something nice she got and she did. I don’t buy all the stuff she said she got, though. I mean, they’ve got money and I know that. You have to if you’re gonna support 5 people, but a cell phone, a new car, a 31” TV, a couple of other smaller TVs, and a dual VCR? I don’t think so.

It was pretty funny, though, the way we were teasing each other. She said she rocks out at night, but of course, that’s my department for the most part.

Then she gets on my case about how if I were to work, think of all I could do with that extra money and I told her that if she mentions that or what I should do regarding Mom or Dad again, I’ll mention my hair and weight like hell. So, I struck a deal with myself, which I told Tom. Most doctors will say to give it a year to try to conceive. So, since he started cumming last July, I’ll give it till next July, then I am gonna get off my lazy ass, quit wasting my time on dreams, and get a job somehow somewhere. I still say my destiny is either to do nothing or settle on some job somewhere, so I might as well do something that’ll bring in more money and perhaps make myself and others feel better about myself. I know I shouldn’t care what others think and what my family thinks, I couldn’t care less. However, I like Tom’s family too much to not care at all what they think and they must think I’m quite a lazy person who’s using Tom. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna maintain a schedule or what I’ll do for transportation, but I’ll figure it out.

I’ve been thinking about that spotting incident I had last August and some things just don’t make sense. If I did that cuz my body was supposed to be adjusting to his cum and changing over to where it could conceive, then why didn’t it when he came in me when we were in the right time frame? And why have my periods gone back to normal? He says he doesn’t think we’ve hit it right. I think we have hit it right 2-3 times since then, so once again, I think it was just God teasing me. He figured that he’d do something different right after Tom started cumming, spark a tiny bit of hope in me, then snatch it away.

Tomorrow I’ll be seeing the dentist. Oh, how I hope that isn’t gonna be a costly, painful ordeal that’s gonna take millions of appointments! I don’t want this to turn into another Nielsen series where I have so many appointments over a year or more. I know I have so many different tooth problems, so I don’t see how it can all be taken care of in just a few shots. I need the gums taken care of, fillings, a cleaning, and the impacted tooth and wisdom teeth dealt with.