Piggy’s gonna be doing a lot of screaming at me, cuz he’s just way too spoiled. This feeding him every 15 minutes has to stop. It’s just too much and they both have to get used to that.

Just like clockwork, my faithful red friend is here. This sterile half-woman said to God, “Look. I’m not pregnant, so just get on with my period, and let’s get it over with.”

No problem! Easiest prayer in the world. Yeah, the power of prayer really goes a long way for me when it’s something God wants for me and I don’t. Anyway, I hope that this time, I’ll lose the water weight gain after my period and not look and feel pretty much like I’m supposed to before and during my period.

Tom got off big time on the 18th, but like I said, I don’t think he’s as ready for a child as he admits, regardless of my sterility. I don’t think he’ll step up his actions towards hitting it right till around when Evie has her kid, but we’ll see. I still see lots of tiredness and hurting going on around mid-cycle times. I think for a while, I’ll be seeing him get off twice a month. Right after my period and right before. Like I said, he got off 2-3 days before ovulation, and sperm are supposed to live that long after being injected into you, so once again, I’m seeing my worst fears and suspicions come true. I am 100% sterile.

Tom said he wasn’t fucking around in my world the other night, but I don’t know. Given the way he’s so obsessed with me picking up after him, anything’s possible.

Tom was telling me that it’s perfectly normal for everyone to have things they really want, then get that, and then want something else just as bad. Well, I may as well just accept the sterility and always want the kid. Why want something else I can never have? Then something else? I’ve gone through wanting way more than enough things I can never have, so why take another?

The freeloaders left quietly at about 6:30 yesterday morning and I can’t believe that nothing woke me up last night due to my waking people up.

First, though, I got two of the 3 CDs I ordered, but then they sent one I didn’t order. Those stupid assholes. It says right on the invoice what I ordered too, so it was a mistake on their part. A male must’ve been the one to pack my CDs. These fucks don’t even have a customer service number to call.

Sure enough, Andy called last night to push me about the meeting line. Finally, I said, “Look. I don’t like being pushed and from here on out, I don’t want you pushing me into anything, but if I’m gonna be punished for nothing, like is usually the case with me, I may as well have a reason to get punished,” so I made the calls.

Once again, it served as a reminder of just how sick guys are and how superior women are to men. I’ll bet you that if I had left a message saying I was looking for a serious relationship that I hoped would turn into marriage and kids, I’d get only one or two responses. Same with if I said I had a kid or was older or heavy.

Andy and I listened to all my new messages and one of them really cracked me up. This guy calls trying to tell me he works somehow with making X-rated films and wants to know if I’d be willing to work with him and go to London every fall with him for some latex ball. Yeah, right! Right away I thought about Scott M. This guy, who doesn’t even know what the fuck I really look like, actually thinks I or anyone else would fall for that line? Give me a break! It was so funny, though, cuz I left a message on his “personal line” saying he was being a Scott MacNab and that he was so full of shit, etc.

Not surprisingly, I also had about 4 people calling to ask why I didn’t show up. The first thing out of their mouths was that I had to have gotten lost. It’s like they don’t even get that they were set up, or don’t want to face the possibility of it. I’ll bet you I could keep telling them every night for months I was gonna meet them and they’d still believe it.

Then this one guy left a message for the first time asking me to call him so he knew his efforts weren’t being wasted. So I called him and said, “Guess what buddy? Your efforts have been wasted, as well as your dime.” Andy and I burst out laughing. See, we don’t have to pay to leave messages and hear our messages, but guys have to pay to leave women messages.

Again, we mostly got machines because we didn’t start calling these suckers until just after 3 AM. I did wake a few people up, so that’s why I’m surprised I didn’t get woken up myself. Punishments don’t come right away, necessarily, but being denied a child is way more than enough for anything I’ve ever done wrong. Of course, the punishment doesn’t fit the crimes, but what more can God do to me or take away from me that he already hasn’t? He could take away Tom, but I would like to hope like never before, that after denying me and my husband a child, he wouldn’t take my husband away from me. He’s taken enough. Way, way, way more than enough. He controlled my childhood 100%. He controlled my adulthood 98% and he’ll always have 100% control over my body.

When Tom gets up I’m gonna ask him, “Since my red faithful friend is here once again just like clockwork, now do you believe I’m the sterile half-woman I say I am?” I know his answer will be no, though. I don’t think he’s ready to deal with me having to deal with it yet. Or us dealing with it yet.

Another thing I remember from last night is that there was this guy named Anders, but I kept calling him Antlers and he totally played deaf to it.

Andy says he liked it a lot when I read from journals, cuz it brings back memories for him. I read from a 1989 journal last night and he had forgotten that I had worked at the dive of a store/Laundromat at the end of my street.

I’m surprised he hasn’t called to push me yet into doing it again tonight, but I hope he doesn’t.

Anyway, I’m on the last of the puzzles my folks sent, so I’m gonna go do that, make a quick grocery list up, then do other stuff.