Is this getting to be a real joke, or what? Tom says he’s way surer that this “job” will work, more than his being so sure I’d be pregnant last month. Well, when’s he gonna cum, then? He’s only been close and last night doesn’t really count. I’m getting a bit suspicious. Does he want a kid more than he did before he started cumming, but still not that much? Is he doing this just for show? To make it look like he’s that serious and is trying his hardest? I already know he does like to tease me to a degree about stuff that matters to me. Stuff like putting things out of position, etc. The other day I turned the fan on in the back room so I could write cuz he blasts the TV. He asked me if I had it on to circulate the air or to drown out sounds. I told him it was to drown out sounds and I know I saw I slight grin of amusement on his face. Then, I told him to try to be rested on the 4th and he asked why. I told him cuz that’s the day that counts and from the expression I saw on his face, forget it. He’ll never cum that day. I know that I shouldn’t worry about stuff like that for being the sterile woman that I am, but it’s just the principle of the point. I don’t like playing these kinds of games. They’re too old. I don’t need my own husband playing games with me on top of God. Besides, I see really good in 1-4-month chunks and I’m completely and totally sure I’ll get a period this month. I think I’m due on the 18th.

Even though this “job” is a complete waste of time, there’s plenty of good in it. It’s fun and at least I can’t say I feel like we’re not having enough sex. He does get close all the time and I don’t see how he can stand to be built up for so long. He’s gotta be relieving it in between.

Another thing that’s got me suspicious is the fact that he’s always in the bathroom before sex. I think it’s an ironic coincidence that he happens to have to go do his 20-minute number twos before sex.

This is what I think. While positioning may have been a hefty factor in his being able to cum, I still think he did hold back till last July, probably both consciously and subconsciously. Now he’s readier for a kid, but not totally ready. Just ready enough where he’d take it if it came, but would rather hold out here and there if he can and that shouldn’t be too hard for him. But meanwhile, if he lets himself cum here and there, he doesn’t have me on his case about doctors or doubly depressed and he can tease me with it and play some games till he gets totally sure and serious.

Since my bad PMS spell nearly two weeks ago, things have been running smoothly and my mood has been calm. There’s been a record-breaking amount of sex. Even next door’s been quieter. I only hope and pray this is no calm before a storm and that God doesn’t have a punishment awaiting me or us for trying to fight fate. I fear compensation for this and when God lays down his wrath and punishment, there’s no fighting back. There’s not a damn thing I can do about it, no matter what mood I’m in, no matter what I’m thinking, no matter what I say.

I do thank this God, though, for delivering me to the desert as much as he hates me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate Tom and my being able to live amongst the cactuses and the palm trees, but could God ever like me? I mean really, really like me? As much as he does murderers? Enough to bless me with a child? Now, that seems like a dream, but he decided after 26 years to give me a break, so we’ll see.

We went to Pet Smart earlier. They have so many nice cat mugs. There are about 30 of them I wish I could have. They also had some great puzzles. It’s a really nice store with lots of food, treats, toys and accessories for dogs, cats, birds, fish and rodents. Anyway, we got the pig and bun sawdust, pellets and some alfalfa cubes.

I got a letter from Kim, too. She didn’t say anything about trying to get out of Bob what this joke was we played on him that he’s supposed to have read. She also didn’t say anything about what she was planning to do with him. I somewhat thought in the back of my mind, and now I’m almost sure, she won’t dump him. In about another week or two he should be asking her where the hell I’ve been and why he hasn’t heard from me.

We also stopped at a hardware store and I couldn’t believe it! They had Queen Ann palm trees for sale for only $32. Usually, they’re over $100. They also had some cute cactus plants, including Prickly Pears, but we didn’t have the extra dough for plants, trees or mugs. I hope that for my birthday, my folks send me cash for some of this stuff, instead of a package of stuff. Most of the stuff they send is either useless or stuff I don’t really want, anyway.

Later...

Tom just got home from work. They had him make up the two days he was off during the week.

Before he was crying out for more sleep. Now that he’s had time lately to sleep more, he doesn’t. It’s almost like he wants to be tired. Too tired to cum. He’s now been up for nearly 18 hours but says a job’s still a job and we’re on for screwing tonight. Well, it’s a fun thing to do, but what a waste of time for him and for trying to make a kid. How much you wanna bet he won’t cum tonight? How much you wanna bet he won’t cum on Tuesday? I offered for us to have sex this morning, but he said, “No. I’ll let it build up for tonight.” He’s been letting it build up how many nights now?

I still get the feeling he’s trying to make a point here and I don’t think it’s anything I want to hear or have to deal with, but what else can I do?

At 9:20 I heard a really loud and bassy car stereo and I thought to myself, I knew the peace wouldn’t last long after they’d been doing so well. But it wasn’t them. It was that other neighborhood killer car stereo that goes by every now and then. The last time I heard it was at the same time of night, too, but this time it was going in the opposite direction. It’s an old brown junker car. Personally, I don’t think they’ve been next door lately. She has here and there, cuz Tom’s said he’s seen her, but maybe Mike and she aren’t doing so well or he has out-of-town business cuz it’s been over a week since I’ve heard a thing.

Tom’s eating now, so he’ll need a good hour to an hour and a half to digest, then he’ll be in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes, then we’ll screw to get me off, he’ll tell me he’ll be built up for one more night and this will go on for another week.

Although this has been fun, interesting and different, and although I do love sex and do want a child, I’ve learned something from this. Maybe I don’t love sex or want a kid as much as even I thought. After this, I may very well end up telling him that I just want to have sex for fun and forget about working on the kid for a while. There’s nothing to work on anyway and he still treats this as if there’s a choice and there’s not. When something’s not possible, it just isn’t possible and not all things become possible with time, either.

I guess he still hasn’t “adapted” to this new thing we’re doing, either, but not everyone can adapt to everything. Sadly, though, I still feel that my wonderful husband is teasing me and isn’t quite that ready for a kid yet. I wouldn’t be too shocked if he were to wait before stepping up his cumming action till after Evie had hers, figuring he could watch me be jealous and she and her family could still be number one within the family and get all the attention. Maybe he’s waiting for a higher-paying job, but who knows when the hell that’ll come? I just wish I knew for sure what was motivating him and why. Am I as wrong about my suspicions and theories as I was when I swore he’d never ever cum? Is there something more to this that I’m missing? I guess my analyzing this is a waste of time when fate is fate and God can’t be budged. I guess I can’t help it, though. I feel that analyzing stuff gives me something more to do and is good for me, too. Maybe if I had analyzed more things when I was younger like I do today, I could’ve avoided more problems with people and life itself. Instead, I was too positive and too trusting, believing in everything and everyone and that all was possible, only to get my heart broken.

Bunny sure is growing! Getting fatter and longer every day. Before we know it, she’ll make Piggy look as small as a gerbil or a hamster.

The proofreading is coming along OK. I now have something like 16 left to go.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, our computer monitor has been fucked up. The colors aren’t right and there are lines that appear across the screen. Usually, I have a white background with black window text, but I inverted it and it really wipes out the lines. I don’t prefer it this way, but at least it makes it look like at least the window’s normal. The border and the title bars are still screwy, but that doesn’t matter as much.

I’d assume that Kim mailed my folks their letter from MA. Kim said she would. I guess they’ve gotten it by now, so who knows how they took it? Unfortunately, I couldn’t be there to watch their reactions as they read it. I doubt I’ll get a call over it and I doubt they’ll ever even mention it, but we’ll see. Maybe Ma got pissed off and decided not to send that package of household items she said they have, but I doubt it. I’ve played similar jokes on them in the past and it never seemed to bother them.

I’ve got to figure out a way to de-duty the patio. Since Tom never gets things done when he says he’s gonna, there’ll be no patio left that’ll be visible by the time he does the yard and the patio. It’s just that the water from the hose is gonna be quite cold at this time of year and I have to wear my plastic sandals and kick the more stubborn duties off.