Instead of using the period charts I made in one of my previous journals (102 I think), I printed out charts for 1996, even though there’s not much time left for 1996. Also, charts for 1997, 1998 and 1999. I’ll be sure to use up every month of every year! Anyway, till I get bored with it, I’ll write an O for the day my rag comes, an X when he cums, and a + for when I’m mid-cycle. I want to see if I see any particular patterns over the years. I hope not, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I did.

As I was saying about how that TV dinner threw 3 pounds on me; I have such a slow metabolism now. In the past, that never would’ve thrown 3 pounds on me; I’d have stayed the same. There were even times I pigged out and then my weight dropped a pound or 2 afterward. It seems that something like a TV dinner throws 3 pounds on me and something like a bowl of cereal throws on 2 pounds.

Shortly after we arrived at Mom’s on Saturday, Mary came over, cuz we needed her car space to haul in the shower surround. Tom and Mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house.

I was in the living room and Mary was in the computer room and for 20 minutes I thought about talking to her about how she deals with never being able to have a kid. I kept asking myself if I could really trust her as much as I felt I could and if I’d have enough time to get into it. Finally, I broke down and asked her if she could keep a secret. I told her pretty much the whole scoop and was shocked to hear she knew all about what DES was. She was very happy to talk to me and told me that God doesn’t hate anyone (I disagree with that), that she wanted a baby so bad, had two miscarriages, and had a hysterectomy (which I knew, of course), but she’s now OK with the idea that she can’t have a kid. She said there’s a reason for everything, which I believe, too, and it could be anything from that it isn’t time yet and that I may need to give it a couple of years, to that there’s some lost child out there that nobody wants who needs me. She threw the idea of adopting or working with kids at me and said that my record for the prank calls and my childhood, which I told her a little about, wouldn’t have any bearing on my adopting, cuz it happened when I was a child. She says everyone has a destiny (I still don’t know about that), and that maybe God’s guiding me away from what I think is right for me into something else. Yeah, God’s guiding me away from what I want, but I don’t feel like he’s guiding me into anything else. Maybe he really is trying to tell me to adopt and work with others' kids, though. I’ve been wondering about it, as you know. She said it could also be that God’s waiting till I get over how I feel about the issue or till I help others' kids, but not to give up yet. She, too, mentioned something that Tom mentioned, which is to not try so hard.

We talked for about 15 minutes, which really helped me. I do believe I can trust her and I admire her for not being afraid of me cuz of my past. She seems very open and understanding of those with both past and current lives like mine and she even started crying shortly before Tom and Mom returned. I told her I was sorry, cuz I didn’t mean to make her cry, but she said that it was just cuz of the empathy in her and the way she feels for others.

I don’t know if I remembered to mention this, but Robin was telling me too, that Lisa needs me more than I think and of course, the bullshit about my having my own kid, too.

Mary was kind enough to kill cobwebs for me that were on the bench swing out back without laughing her ass off at me. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if she had laughed, cuz after all, we all have things we’re rather afraid of or creeped out by. She said her family doesn’t laugh at stuff like that and hey, her stepson’s 14 and needs to sleep with the light on. So what?

Tom’s family really is cool and lots of wonderful things really have happened to me over the last few years, as Tom and Mary pointed out to me and Mary said I got 80 more relatives since being out here. Then Mary was telling me how she used to think her family was too normal until she got to know Dave’s family. I told her that her family and mine are like the difference between night and day and that I understood perfectly well. We discussed how this kind of thing makes us not take a lot of things for granted and she also said something about my past troubles making me stronger. Stronger for what, though? To deal with the sterility? Well, I haven’t been doing a very good job of it, have I? I can’t hope for a kid, cuz that’s impossible, but I do hold out the hope that I’ll be OK with not having one, too, and find a possible destiny that I can live with. I still hope to work helping kids, but I don’t know how I’ll manage to keep my schedule going or what I’ll do for transportation, no matter what job I do. Tom says not to try to control or change my feelings and to just live day by day, but I still hope I’ll be able to be OK with not having the kid (even though he’s sure we’ll have one), do something productive in life that won’t be a settlement, and not get hit with a new thing I want so bad that I can’t have, or deal with or accept for so many years.

Tom said he saw something about home classes for computer stuff for him and private investigating for me and that he might check into it. Yeah, but is this just another thing he says he’ll do, or will he really? He says, though, I don’t need a car and a gun to do this and that there are different kinds of investigators and that I can choose my own cases. This sounds interesting.

I just hope that Mary will keep my secret. I told her that Tom feels the opposite of how I do, so that’s why he may not be too pleased with my discussing it with her.

Tom was right about hearing stereo bass way more often at Ma’s place. I must’ve heard it 10 times while I was there. It’s soooo obnoxious.

Ma had some carrots someone gave her that she gave us for Piggy and Bunny, but we forgot it. He’s over there now, so hopefully he’ll take it home with him. He’ll also be getting groceries, checking into making the mugs up, and something to deodorize their cage here, cuz it stinks like hell with that rabbit.

Later...

I left Andy a message. I have no idea what he’s been up to these days. I told him we could probably chat tomorrow before he goes to work. I asked him if he ditched the message from that line or if he’s been listening to them and calling them at all. I told him I’ve been helping Lisa out and that we worked at Ma’s house yesterday, so I’ve been a bit busy.

I have to get working on his journal.

I started a letter to my parents, but that probably won’t go out till after the New Year or right before. I wish these stamps would hurry up and arrive. We need to get the bills out and I’ve got letters ready to go to Kim, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. After the holidays, it’ll be time to send a letter off to Larry. I wonder why I haven’t heard from him. Is he that busy? I guess so. This is what they always tell me. He’ll probably call me on my birthday.

I wonder what my parents will be sending for my birthday and for us for Chanukah and Christmas? My guess is that they’ll send money for my birthday and a package of stuff for us for Chanukah and Christmas. That seems to be how they usually do it.