I’m not gonna play this wait-on-Andy game anymore, so if he calls, he calls.

Why does Tom always get what I get? We come home from the dentist and now he’s got a toothache.

Anyway, I’m quite relieved at what the dentist had to say. First of all, they are so much friendlier there, than the ones we saw a couple of years ago and they were honest and upfront about what the scoop was and about the cost. I thought it was gonna cost hundreds of dollars and take many appointments, but it should only be one necessary appointment for $92.

On December 12th, they’re gonna do what I really need done ASAP and that’s the cleaning and getting off all the plaque and tartar and yanking the wisdom teeth. He said the wisdom teeth do need to go or else they’ll keep bothering me on and off. They also have cavities, too.

As for the impacted tooth, he says I could just live with it and it too, will bother me on and off, but that I should get rid of it. However, there’s no hurry at this time and it’s not threatening other teeth. I’m kind of hoping I can get away with just ignoring that, cuz who knows how expensive that could get? Also, there’d be a gap there and they don’t think they could walk the impacted adult tooth that’s behind the baby tooth over into place too easily. That might need braces, but even then, they can’t guarantee that it’ll move into place.

He says I can expect a sore mouth after the cleaning, cuz my gums are already sore from inflammation. I don’t know if the wisdom teeth will be as easy to get out as the first two were, but hopefully it won’t be too bad. I don’t think it’ll be too big of a deal. They now use some kind of sonic thing that makes a high pitch that humans can’t hear to vibrate the plaque and tartar build-up off. That’s pretty neat.

His dental assistant also took X-rays and she was kind enough to give me a kid-sized X-ray thing that they put in your mouth and make you bite down on. There was no pain at all when I did that, unlike at the other place where they were trying to get me to bite down on an adult-size one which I couldn’t do.

The office was a small building that sort of looked like a fancy house. It was a really nice-looking place and right in front of the dentist’s chair, was a huge window with a palm tree right outside it.

From now on, though, like Tom said, I’m gonna go to the dentist every year and keep up on my teeth so I don’t ever have to go through this shit again.

I guess I don’t need any fillings.

The cleaning and the extractions that I’ll be having done on the 12th will take two hours.

All I have to do now is hope that this won’t set us back in time financially and keep us real tight for months.

I told Tom not to bother with getting me anything for my birthday or Chanukah. I told him I’ll be mid-cycle then, so he can give me a birthday baby, but I know he won’t. He’s not gonna cum during that time. He seems to be cumming less lately and farther away from the right time frame. I only hope I don’t see a pattern of him cumming twice a month, right after my periods and right before. He says differently, and maybe he doesn’t know it, but I think that this dental stuff is gonna make him want to wait, anyway.

His last birthday wasn’t as bad as the one before, but it wasn’t great. He knows that my last one sucked and that most of them do, anyway, so I hope he doesn’t take advantage of this knowledge. I’ve had about 3 good birthdays in my whole life and I’ve told him this. Also, and like I said, his last birthday could’ve been much better, so I hope he doesn’t pay me back, so to speak, like he did for my last birthday, cuz of me ruining his birthday a year and a half ago.

He wants me to work on not being so sure of things, so maybe I’m wrong and I hope my own husband would never do this, but I have a feeling he’s intentionally not gonna cum around my birthday and especially on it, and who knows if he’s gonna pick arguments with me or what? He says he doesn’t “payback” people and do stuff to them that they do to him and that he doesn’t take advantage of how people feel or try to prove them wrong or right in particular areas, but I disagree for the most part based on what I’ve seen.

I was joking around with him earlier and said that he gets $50 for when he doesn’t cum, $100 for when he does, and $200 for when he cums at the right time and then he said, “Can I cum at the wrong times, too?” He said it in a way that I could’ve sworn (unless I’m just paranoid) meant that that’s what he’d prefer to do. If what I feel is right, he’s gonna cum sometime over the weekend when I’ll be right before my rag.

Speaking of rags and PMS, well, you know how my body’s done different things since he’s been cumming, yet been the same? Well, the spotting incident was a first. My weight has changed since then, too, but the part of it that’s been the same is that I get the damn periods. After the spotting, my PMS has been the same, but so far, it’s been a lot better this month. I usually have just about every PMS symptom, but this time, I’m not an emotional basket case, I’m not hornier than hell and I haven’t had pre-cramps yet. I thought I felt the faint beginnings of them, but I don’t think so. I think it was just gas and this is the second day I’ve been constipated. Still, I know my periods are as faithful to me as Tom is. It’ll get here around the 20th.

I was sort of a basket case last night, but not cuz of the usual I-can’t-have-a-kid reason. It was a sudden, sad, and terrifying series of thoughts about Tom dying that came into my mind and it really shook me up. I was in tears as I imagined the sadness and the emptiness I’d feel if he were dead. It really made me realize just how much I love him and it made not getting my dreams easier to deal with. I’d just feel so lost without him and like a body with no soul. I know I’d kill myself, cuz I’d want to be with him. The idea of him dying really scares me cuz of the way God’s teased me by thinking I may get something I want really bad and with the way he’s taken most of the things I wanted that I did get, even if that wasn’t a lot of things.

Later...

Got my parents' package today and right now I’ve got a 14-karat gold perfume pen I’m writing with. It is so cool and the smell should retain itself a lot longer stuffed inside a journal.

Once again, I’m waiting for Andy to call. He didn’t call back last night, so he must’ve been pretty tied up.

This PMS is really hitting my back hard. I just took two Ibuprofen and put a back supporter on. The pre-cramps are kind of making their way in.

So much for saying I’ve been OK so far emotionally. Last night was pretty rough, but I’ll get into it later.

First, I’ll go through the contents of the package my parents sent.

They sent some notepads in various sizes and no, they never wrote a thing about the letter I had sent to them.

There were only a few things I left in the box that I didn’t want and that were an old carrot peeler, a pencil, a couple of little plastic funnels, and some paper. Something was spilled all over the paper and the paper was kind of wrinkled. Also, there was some talc I didn’t want. I never use that stuff and my allergies couldn’t take it. I’m surprised they sent that, along with perfume soaps and incense. I was surprised the incense didn’t bother Tom, but it didn’t. It smelled nice but made me a bit dizzy. I may give the soaps to Andy.

They sent all kinds of Halloween decorations like windsocks, door posters, flags and other things, but I’m not into that kind of stuff. Andy is, though, so I told him he could have it.

There was a piggy bank with "Las Vegas" written on it with a wolf and some cactuses painted on it, a little glass dome with sand and pretty tiny shells in it, glue, a floral flag, bottle openers, magnet clips for the refrigerator.

She sent a couple of weird things too, such as a fork with an antenna on it that extends 25”. Also, picture someone’s desk in an office and how they have their name on a strip of gold in a long piece of wood, well, she sent one of those that says: When all else fails, try following directions.

She sent a little keychain with 4 rows of about 40 numbers in a case. There are 6 balls in the thing too, and I guess you try to pick certain numbers with it or see if you can get the balls into the numbers you pick. Tom says maybe we can pick lottery numbers with it.

She sent a teddy bear shirt with a plaid background and matching plaid shorts. I like the teddy bear, but the blue/green plaid sucks. The shorts are also too long in the crotch area, but they fit around this thick waist of mine perfectly.

She sent contact paper that’s for bordering around the tops of walls right where the wall meets the ceiling. It’s an ugly pattern, but I can use it to tape the backs of the puzzles she sent, which is my favorite thing she sent, along with the perfume pens. One’s of dogs, one’s of cats, and one is of a tiger.

I wrote them a letter thanking them for the stuff and gave them the highlights of our lives too, and told them about Bunny, me cooking more, my teeth, and that we’ll be calling them for Chanukah. I also told them in their letter that I was surprised they didn’t use the paper to “get me back.” Then I told them that I "heard" tea and honey go well together and that I played the joke on them by sending the letter to Kim to send to them.

Someone’s at the freeloader’s house now. I peeked out and saw a car there, and I think he may be back, too. Well, I hope they don’t intrude upon our weekend and that they stay as quiet as they have been. I think this is the longest span of time since I haven’t heard them going on and on.

Anyway, last night was no joyride. I really felt miserable and like I just wanted to drop dead. It’s just the usual. That empty, incomplete, depressing feeling I get where I feel so cursed and so hopeless to help myself.

Tom made a deal with me and said that through the 2nd–6th unless I get my period early and the time frame shifts, he’ll try his damnedest to cum and to please give him the benefit of the doubt and not keep pointing it out. I told him I won’t mention it and that I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But I know better. He’s not gonna cum during that time and if he does, it’ll be once. And even though he could do it twice a day every day and not be able to get me pregnant, I need to get to that final step! He says that he’s as confident that we’ll have a family as I’m confident we won’t and that he feels so confident in his belief that that’s why he’s doing this job. He thinks it’s best not to try, but he’s doing this job to help me with my feelings about us not doing enough to accomplish anything. He tells me all my emotions are normal and that there’s nothing wrong with what I say, how often I say it, and how I feel, but I feel like a freak.

Then he told me something quite scary. He said it’s common to want something really bad, get it, then end up wanting it all over again. He said not to be surprised if we had a kid, then when it was 3 these feelings kicked in again. He told me his mom even has baby dreams and that they make her happy. Yeah, well, I wish that to dream and to only dream would make me happy, cuz that’s about all I could ever do with my life is just live on dreams. Still, I’d rather get something that I wanted really bad and take the feelings of having that want all over again later on down the road, cuz then I’ll at least be dreaming of something I had. Not something I could never have.

Well, I guess I’m gonna go try calling Andy again, update him on my teeth, tell him about the package and see what’s up with him.