You could say I’m a bit tired today. Last night I realized I had to set my clock, or else I’d never get to my ear and teeth appointments.

We’re gonna go to the mall after Tom gets home to get the mugs made up. The cool thing about it is that we won’t have to use an old picture. They have a video screen, so you don’t have to worry about them taking a lousy picture. They set you up just right, right there on the spot.

At the end of the week, we’ll be getting Chanukah cards, too. I’ve got to get 4 of them. One for my folks, one for Larry and his family, Tammy and her family and Andy.

Tomorrow night is gonna suck and be incredibly boring. We’ll be at David and Evie’s for a no doubt drooling 4-6 hours.

Tonight, Tom and I are gonna make up a couple of chocolate pudding pies to take over there.

He was too tired for fun last night, cuz Tuesdays are his longest days where he has to get up really early and work long days, but I wonder if he will want fun tonight? It seems to me, that he’d want to hurry up and get some release before it gets “dangerous.”

I hope I’m wrong about the serious doubt I felt when he said my birthday’s gonna be wonderful. It seems like I’ve had only 3 good birthdays and like that day’s cursed. I always have some kind of bad luck, but I’d definitely say that the last one was the worst. He was so mean to me. Maybe the reason it’s not too good of a day and something usually goes wrong that day is cuz I wasn’t supposed to have birthdays in the first place since I was supposed to be miscarried. Anyway, if it isn’t a great day, then I hope it isn’t a bad day.

My birthday and the days right before and right after will be the perfect test to see just how accurate I still am about things I feel so strongly about. Here’s what I see, then we’ll see how right I am, if I am, and I’m just about totally sure I will be. My first guess is that we’ll have sex once on either one of the following dates, which would be somewhere between the 2nd - 6th and he won’t cum. My second guess is that we won’t have sex on any of those dates. Also, I feel that the next two times he gets off will be anywhere from tonight to the 30th or the 1st and then again around the 12th.

I wish I knew I was gonna be so very wrong! I mean, it’s time for me to eat my words again. I’m due for it. I miss that happy feeling I had when I first got here, even though I had my troubles. It was just that feeling of getting something I really wanted and feeling like God really did decide to love me and care about the things I cared about after all. I wish I could feel that again.

There have been a couple of unexpected and nice changes, though. First of all, I still haven’t been woken up for waking those callers up. Also, I haven’t been punished for getting up the nerve to pray to God.

First I told him that I accepted his hatred for me and that he’ll never allow me a child, but to please, please, please, let me be OK with that and let me be able to find some other purpose in life that’s fulfilling enough, without me having to feel all these bad emotions and like I’m forced to settle. Then I told him that that still stands. If he won’t change his mind, like I’ve always felt, I still want to be OK with it, find something else, and be OK with that. However, my first choice really is for him to love me, be fair, and let me have my dream.

I guess you could say that I still do wish I was one of those who could feel his love and that he cares for me and listens to me and will make everything OK and help me help myself towards getting the things I need and want. I don’t want to always feel that God’s cruel, unfair and that he hates me, but as of yet, I haven’t found a reason to feel otherwise.

I still feel quite tired. I probably won’t wake up till nightfall. That’s how it usually works with me. I decided to give the Melatonin another shot. I got up at 8:00 and the bummer of it is, is that I know I’ll be up till 2:00, then I’ll have to get up at 8:00 and have gotten even less sleep. I’m not one of those who can go to bed earlier just cuz I’m tired and didn’t sleep quite enough, otherwise, I’d never have this sleeping schedule problem to begin with. It’s cuz I can’t go to sleep around the same time that keeps my schedule moving around. I’ve tried to keep getting up at the same time, but after having so many nights of 6 hours of sleep, and then 4 hours of sleep, it really gets to me.

Tom gave me the following two suggestions that he feels will help me towards getting the things I want and just life in general. He said to have an open mind and not always assume I know stuff for sure. Also, to not try to place reason on the things that happen. Well, that sure is gonna be hard as hell. That’s like asking me to change something that’s so very much a part of me. I’ll try not to do this as much out loud to him, but journals are for analyzing such thoughts, beliefs, theories and ideas. But does he really believe these suggestions will help me? Or would it better serve himself? In some cases, I can follow this advice. For example, I’ve never tried to ask myself why I like collecting dog/cat mugs. Also, I don’t know for sure if we’ll move or when. I feel that there’s a chance we may move, and then we also may not move. I don’t know. But something like the kid issue, for example, is just too damn obvious for me to even think I could fool myself by saying that I didn’t know if that was possible. It’s just too obvious, what with the same pattern I see, just like I have when it came to other things I wanted really bad. I know it’s not meant to be. It’s just too obvious and for me to say I didn’t know, I’d have to be either sick or in serious denial of the obvious truth. I’d have to be quite naïve, too, and not have a damn clue as to how my life has worked and is supposed to work. I’m not supposed to have the things I want really, really bad. I have kept an open mind, though, to the fact that there could be a few different reasons as to why, too. My first guess is that it is a punishment. The punishment, I can understand, even though I’m not quite sure what it was I was supposed to have done so bad to get punished like this. However, if it’s a protection thing, that baffles me. Why not just give me my dream and make sure it works out and doesn’t kill me or ruin my life in any way if God can do anything and if he doesn’t hate me so much? If he knows something I don’t, like maybe childbirth would kill me or maybe I’d wish for these days back and hate being a mom so much, then can’t he make sure these things don’t happen?

Maybe there’s some whole other reason, that makes total sense, as to why I’m sitting here at home alone dreaming, while throughout every city and town, pregnant teens who dropped out of school are home alone watching all about kids and babies on TV. It’s on just about every channel and commercial. I used to say that if I were pregnant, I’d have to get books on everything from pregnancy to raising it, but not anymore. All I’d have to do is turn the TV on, pick a channel, and all the information I’d need would almost certainly be right there.

Speaking of TVs, Tom did something that makes no sense at all and I hope this wasn’t something he deliberately did, to take advantage of how I say there’s always a problem with reception and things getting recorded. I didn’t have anything recorded on the tape in the VCR that I wanted to see, but he left a message saying that if there was anything on there, sorry, but he accidentally recorded over it. He left at about 7:30 and when I came out of the bedroom just after 8:00, the thing was still recording. This makes no sense. I mean, if he had accidentally hit the record button, why didn’t he turn it off the second he turned it on? Why’d he keep letting it go? Well, I’ll tell him that the next time he thinks I may have something taped, and if he hits the record button, to turn it right off. Don’t just let it keep going and going. Better to lose a few seconds of whatever I may have recorded, not all of it.