Good, God! Every time I lose 2 pounds and have a few bites to eat, it comes right back. It’s hopeless. Well, I am trying to not try so hard on things in general, so I guess I’ll just let my weight do what it’s meant to do, rather than fight it. If it were to really start getting out of control, then maybe I’ll try and see if I can fight it.

I have both good and bad news to report. First of all, Tom explained to me what happened with the VCR. He said that he watched some TV that morning, accidentally hit the record button without realizing it, then went back to do some computer work for a couple of hours. He said he didn’t turn it off, cuz he figured it’d be towards the end of the tape, anyway, and that it’d just hit the end and rewind itself.

The day before yesterday, we went to the mall and finally got the mugs made up with our pictures on them. The lady there was really nice. She was an older lady who talked a bit much, went on and on about her grandson, but was friendly. She had us pose in front of a video camera and then we’d pick the shot we liked. However, I thought I looked awful, no matter what, so I picked the least awful one I could. I guess I’m starting to age, but I just looked totally pitiful. We made up two pictures of each of the two shots she took, so we could send one each to them. The funny thing about it was that she got one of them upside down. I jokingly told Tom we ought to send that one to my mom. It’s too cool and funny for me to give it to someone like Andy, so I’ll keep it for ourselves.

They had hundreds of names on mugs and key chains. Even names I’ve never heard of before. There was also a file drawer filled with names not yet cooked onto mugs or key chains. Tom said to the woman, “I’ll bet you don’t have her mother’s name.”

Sure enough, though, and to our surprise, they had the name Dureen. I’ve never heard of anyone else in this world with this name and if I knew the mall had that name written down on whatever, I’d think it had to do directly with my mother if I didn’t know any better.

I’ve seen my name also spelled Jodie and Jody, but never Jodey, like I saw on a key chain there. They even had a Lin one and not just the typical Lyn, Lynn or Lynne.

We also got a bite to eat in the mall, then, I got myself the new journal that I’m doing now.

We also went to a store that has stuff seen on TV. They had that Braidini and Hairdini thing I’d like to have, among a few other nice things. I think that just about every store in that mall and everywhere has enough stuff I’d like.

I couldn’t believe just how many pregnant teens I saw at the mall, even though I can. I saw about 5 pregnant people and not one of them was over 20. It’s sick. It really is.

After we came home Tom was on my case about being cranky. To him, being cranky means to bitch or complain more than usual. He agreed that maybe I wasn’t being that way and maybe he was too sensitive, but I was. I just hated the way I looked. Anyway, he said he hoped I’d be less cranky, cuz he missed having fun and my being cranky drains him. I said that I had thought that when you love someone and are attracted to them, you’re supposed to love them and be turned on by them and want to touch them, regardless of what mood they’re in. He said that for him, sex and love and attraction are all different things that aren’t connected. He said that sex is a mental thing with him, even though he also says he has to be with someone to whom he’s attracted. When I talk about attraction, I’m talking about someone good-looking. He swears, though, that he does not punish me. Whatever. I’m still wary about what he’s gonna do on my birthday, but it looks like I’ll be asleep for the bulk of that day.

Tom tells me that I should just live life, which means not planning so much, not trying so hard, and not assuming so much. Also, to not do things with so many expectations. This is gonna be pretty impossible advice to follow. He makes it sound so easy, but I don’t think I can ever help myself if this is what it’ll take.

He says that my not having a kid or having a kid won’t change how I feel. He said what I’m feeling is normal and that there are always things we all want really bad, it’s just a matter of how people deal with it and live life in the meantime. Well, obviously I’m the wimpiest of them all, cuz I can’t seem to deal with shit when it comes to accepting and dealing with the stuff I want real bad that I can never have.

I always thought that these feelings would go away if I had a kid. The desire to have one would go away if I had one, but he’s right; there’d just be something new to replace the kid desire. Something new I’d want really bad. I guess there really is no point in having a kid, is there? Why not just always want one thing, instead of one thing after another?

I’ve decided that no matter how I feel emotionally, it really would be best to keep things as they are. That’s no problem, as you probably figured a long time ago, too, so this is the formula of life I’m gonna try to live by. Tom says it’s OK, for example, to believe I’ll never have a kid, but that I shouldn’t live my life like I’m not going to. Well, what should I do then? Run out and get cribs and all kinds of things for a baby? I think that’d be premature. I can only live my life how it is unless there is a change of any kind. If we decide to move, for example, we can check into the details of it then. Not now.

From what people have said, it seems like they think that a woman who tries too hard or who believes she’s sterile, can’t get pregnant, or has a much harder time doing so. This doesn’t make too much sense to me. I’ve heard of other people who found they were pregnant when they thought they never could be. As far as that and the trying part - how can that change how biology works, unless there’s something physically wrong? I would think that a person’s plumbing (eggs, sperm, ovaries, uterus, etc.) would be as they are and function however they’re gonna function, regardless of what those people’s attitudes, moods, or beliefs are. But last night he did say something about my belief that I can’t conceive being a factor in why I haven’t. How, though? How? I don’t think it could be anything I’ve said, thought, done or felt. I think it’s God’s will. That coupled with the fact that Tom gets off so little.

Tom also told me that he didn’t want to quit the job and that he thought I wanted to quit. Yeah, I did want to quit for two reasons. Cuz even though it was fun and I don’t want to have sex too infrequently, it won’t produce a baby and he said he likes spontaneity. So I asked him why he’d want to do the job if he likes spontaneity and he said it was cuz he was OK with accepting that you can’t have everything your way in a marriage and he wanted to make me happier. So I asked him point-blank what he thinks the ideal sex life is for him. He said spontaneously with no plans, rules or expectations. So, I agreed to do this that way, if it’ll please him. I feel that as long as I get sex enough, I can be flexible with how we go about it. Then I asked him if we should avoid the mid-cycle area and he said no, cuz that’d be part of planning. True, but I’m sure (and I can’t help it if I feel I know something) that he and God will make sure we spontaneously don’t happen to have sex during those times and if we do, I’m still pretty sure enough that he won’t cum.

Anyway, about the life formula I haven’t written in yet - if I try to take his advice as often as I can, maybe life will be easier, whether it ever changes or not.

1. Live life.

2. Keep my promise about not killing myself.

3. Keep my promise to give Tom the child he may want (if possible).

4. Don’t assume too much.

5. Don’t worry about my schedule - accept it, accept myself, accept life.

6. Don’t try to control things, but trying to make changes for the better is OK.

7. It’s OK to think or believe stuff - but I need to wait and see what really happens.

8. Try not to place reason on stuff.

9. Keep an open mind and try to see that my beliefs, theories & answers may not be right or the only ones.

10. Have sex spontaneously with no rules or expectations, don’t try to have sex or avoid sex during prime conception times.

This is gonna be difficult. Very difficult. But I’m gonna try my best.

Tom will see a copy of these 10 things. I wrote them up and taped them to the bathroom wall. I use the bathroom every day, so I figured that this would be the best way to help remind me of this stuff. I still don’t know what it’ll accomplish or if it’ll help me if I can go by these tips, but I guess I couldn’t know without trying.

Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep and ended up being up 20 hours. No, I didn’t make it to Thanksgiving, which I felt bad about, even if it would’ve been boring. Tom went, though, and why did I say David and Evie live in Mesa? They live in Tempe. Anyway, he said it was both too planned and too unorganized, but he had an OK enough time, anyway. He brought back some turkey, yams and stuffing for me.

Tammy left a message today wanting computer help from Tom. So, I called her and let her know he went to David and Evie’s and that I was home not feeling well (my wisdom tooth is bugging me again, so thank God they’re coming out soon). She said that a program froze up (crashed), but they fixed it.

I didn’t get up till 3 PM, but it was amazingly quiet for Turkey Day. This is the longest stretch of time next door’s been quiet. They’ve been the best with their music too, for a while now and if they were like this all the time, I’d never want them to move. I just hope it stays this way. I thought they’d freak out more during the winter months, but I guess they like to party more and play their music louder more so in the summer.

I did an art project for Tom earlier. It was funny cuz he was saying it was a big huge project, but it was nothing for me. He wanted simple little drawings to use for doing programming, which is his hobby. He wants to put it on cards for his card game, I guess. He says he’s finally ready to do the envelopes I drew up and scan those in, but we’ll see. He still seems to procrastinate a lot of the time. In fact, if I had to give Tom “life tips,” I’d tell him to be more consistent (that goes for me, too) and not procrastinate so much. Also, continue being neater and more organized. I guess I won’t say to put stuff back where I put it, cuz I still think he likes me to do that for him, us, or whatever.

Later...

I talked to Andy last night. We made our final round of calls to the suckers whose numbers he wrote down that he got from my mailbox. I’d say that Ky (Mr. Scott M), who claims to be in this grand porno business, and Jim, were the biggest suckers of them all.

Right now, Tom is at the dog racing track with his mother, Carol and Steven. To take his advice, which was to not worry about my schedule and to just accept it, isn’t that easy right now. It seems my schedule is wrapping around faster. I fell asleep yesterday morning at around 6:30, after peeing twice in a row. I thought I was all peed out, but I got up at 8:30 and 11:30 to pee, too. Then I told myself I’d just go lay down for a little longer. The next time I opened my eyes, though, it was 6 PM. And Tom says my schedule will just happen to fix itself someday? I don’t think so!

I gained a pound after eating just a few bites of pie and a doggie mug after more than 12 hours. This is crazy, but oh well.

I know he doesn’t get to see Carol and Steven too often, but not surprisingly, he’s starting to get busier and more tired and my guess is that it’ll keep on going like that till about 2 or 3 days after I’m mid-cycle. Maybe even longer. Yet he tells me I shouldn’t plan? That I should be spontaneous? And not try to have sex during these times or avoid sex? Well, what do you call what he’s doing? I call it running scared. I call it someone who’ll take a kid if it came, but would prefer not to if he can help it. Not till around March or April, anyway, or after he gets a new job. When the hell that’ll be, I don’t know. It’s not easy for him to get to job interviews cuz he works days.

I still wish I’d been up earlier and I still feel guilty about not going out tonight and to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving would’ve been boring as all hell, but it would’ve been a wonderful distraction from the daily grind of the same old, same old.

Larry called earlier. It was fun talking with him, as always. I’m glad he called now, cuz if he tried on my birthday, he’d probably miss me. I don’t mind my sister or parents missing me on that day and I’m rather glad that with the way things look, I should be sleeping for most of that day. There are 3 things I don’t know how I’m gonna do, though. How am I gonna get to the dentist? How am I gonna be up and available to call my parents for Chanukah? How am I gonna get together with Andy next week? We have to reschedule Dr. Neilson, though, cuz Tom can’t get off early enough on the 5th.

Andy says there’s a homemade part of my birthday present and a store-bought part.

Also, Andy’s sister in CA is pregnant with twins. That’s the second set of twins in his family. His brother David and his wife have twins.

Well, God doesn’t give everyone only what they can handle, or else no one would kill themselves. Also, people who get murdered obviously couldn’t handle that, or else they’d have survived, but maybe God gives some of us only what we can handle and cuz of my schedule problem, this is exactly why I’ll be forever childless. Why he can’t and won’t help me fix my schedule problem, then give me what I want, beats me. I just can’t see, though, how Tom can be right when he says that having the kid will fix my schedule. How? That seems impossible. Nothing’s ever fixed it yet, so how could anything ever fix it? According to God, I can’t handle a kid and I don’t deserve it, but that doesn’t mean that that rule applies to most people. Most people that can’t handle or that don’t deserve kids - no problem as far as God’s concerned. They can still have kids.

Anyway, Larry beat me to the question of the weather there, so he could hear my laugh he loves so much. Right at the beginning of our conversation, he said it was hard to get home at night with all the snow and ice and I burst out laughing. In truth, though, there’s no snow and it’s about 24° there now. That’s actually pretty warm for them. It was down to 10° there last night and that’s what it should be when we spoke at 10 PM his time.

Sandy and Larry were asleep and Jenny was at the neighbor’s, so I didn’t get to talk to them.

Larry moved his office to West Springfield instead of CT so it'll be a shorter commute.

He says he talks to Tammy every once in a while but tries not to, cuz he says he never knows what disease the family’s gonna have. Yeah, I know exactly what he means.

Get this, though, it fucking figures that he’s allowed to call Mom and Dad once or twice a week like he does, but if I were to call more than once a month, I get crucified for it. It just goes to prove once again how much more Mom and Dad favor Larry and Tammy over me. Guess I have a natural talent for being people’s least favorite. I’m the family’s least favorite, God’s least favorite, and who knows who else’s least favorite.