Didn’t get the chance to write the other day, but now I can get started.

We got the new monitor from the computer repair shop that was his mother’s. He says, though, that the one he’s gonna get this Monday from Eldon’s is way better. His ma’s old monitor is much better than the one we were using, but it also sucks at the same time. Everything is too small, rather than expanded like ours was and it’s quite grainy. The numbers and menu items are blurry.

I have a new way of letting Bunny run around where she’s out of reach of wires and that’s on our beds that are side by side. Of course, she’ll eventually get big enough to jump off the beds, but for now, it’s so cute how she runs around and jumps around on the beds. As for Piggy? He just sits there with me. He does his running around in the cage.

I received some astonishing news from Tammy yesterday when I called to wish Bill a happy 50th birthday. This is a major record for New England. Something I’ve never heard of, just like I’ve never heard of cactuses and palm trees in New England. She says it’s been in the 70s there for a few days. In the 70s! Good, God! This is due to a massive storm front coming through, that probably hit them last night. They’re gonna get tons of rain with massive T-storms, then it’ll get colder.

When I called Tammy and Bill, it was 2:30 PM their time. They were about to get ready to have a limo take the girls to McDonald’s, then back home, I guess. Then she and Bill were to go out in a limo to dinner, then to a surprise place she couldn’t tell me cuz Bill was right there to hear. So, I’ll ask her about it some other time. I’m sure it must’ve been quite fancy, cuz she said Bill would be in a nice suit and she was gonna do her hair and put on makeup and wear a nice silk skirt and shirt. Tammy’s not one to usually dress up.

Believe it or not, I wrote a nice letter to Marty and Ruth yesterday. I don’t know if it’ll piss them or my folks off. I guess the reason why I did this was out of curiosity to see if they really hate me as much as I think they do. I guess that ever since before I left Deerfield, they pretty much wrote me off in their book, but from what I hear they still keep in touch with Tammy. They sent Bill a card when he was really sick, and gave the kids clothes. I’m sure they’ve sent Larry and his kids stuff, too. The weird thing about it is, is that when I got that one call from Ruth when I was in Deerfield, as far as I knew, everything was OK between her and Marty and me. I had thought that the past was dead and buried, so why we never got a wedding card like we did from people like Boo & Max and Goldie & Al beats me. There are only two reasons that I can think of that made them ditch me and not even call every couple of years just to say hi. They probably either decided they couldn’t get over and let go of the past or someone prank-called them and they thought it was me.

Anyway, I guess you could say it doesn’t matter how they react or how my folks react, but I am curious to see what they do. My guess - nothing, and I can bet you that if I was pregnant and they found out, they’d be quite disappointed and wonder how the hell I could handle it and how much I’d screw the kid up, but I’m sure my whole family, except for Larry, would think that way. It’s human nature for most people to think that you can’t handle certain things or do them well, due to something you may have done wrong years ago. Also, people tend to think that if someone else couldn’t deal with something in the past, they never can.

Well, I don’t have to copy the letter here, cuz I can just tell you what I basically said. I said I was sorry for any problems I caused in the past and that I didn’t want them to feel obligated to contact us. I told them that I understand that we all have people from our pasts that we were either related to or not, that we had troubles with, and that we don’t necessarily wish to re-associate with, and that people have to do what they have to do.

So, I basically let them know the ball was in their court. They could call or not call. I also told them how blessed I was to have Tom and a little bit about him and my life out here.

I guess my temperature fluctuates, anyway, and plays no part in when I’m ovulating, cuz yesterday morning I was curious and found that it was 99.0.

Tom sort of surprised me, but didn’t surprise me. He chose to start the job up again and we did so yesterday. So, I was kind of leaning towards believing he’d opt to just have sex whenever and not daily. I also thought that whether or not he opted to go back to the job he’d wait till today, but we started yesterday. Still, as I thought, he began the job when it’s gotten to be much more likely to not be able to conceive. It was borderline, so to speak.

So, what do I think? I still think he doesn’t want a kid as bad as I do and that this job resulting in him cumming more and my conceiving is bullshit. I think he’ll always cum about 2-3 times a month.

Last night I heard this weird knocking sound and thought, oh geez. It’s a wonderful day in the freeloaderhood. But they didn’t come in till later and when they did, they did so at a reasonable volume.

Later...

Tom got all the major roofing and rubble out to the dumpster and edged parts of the grass that was quite high. Now, all we have to do is mow the rest of the lawn, pick up smaller pieces of wood, old roofing and nails, blow off all the dirt from the patio, then de-duty.

I’m very glad he made a major dent in the garbage out back, but we couldn’t have screwed first? See, I still think he’s teasing me and is gonna hold out as much as he can for a while longer. He’s gonna be too tired to get off. I can almost always tell from the get-go if he’s gonna cum or not. If he’s fairly hard before I touch him and stays pretty hard while I do him by hand, he’ll more than likely cum. If he’s fairly deflated the whole time, he more than likely won’t cum. How much you wanna bet that when I’m more likely to conceive the next time, which will be around Dec. 2-6, he won’t cum? He’ll be too tired or something will hurt or he’ll be sick. I may not have always been right when it comes to him, but I still know my husband quite well.

Later...

Tom’s in the shower now getting ready for work. We screwed earlier, but he didn’t get off. I was wrong this time. I thought he would, but he said his heart and body were out of sync with his dick. Guess his heart was racing.

How weird, but Tom says that next door was parked in the street. I wonder why he sometimes parks deep in the carport, in the driveway under the basketball hoop and on the street? He rarely parks on the street, but I hope this doesn’t mean it’s cuz he’s making way for company to pull in. Then again, if company was pulling in, wouldn’t he park deep in the carport and let the others park on the rest of the driveway and street? Who the hell knows?

Well, I’m glad we’ve started our job back up. I don’t miss always being horny and having to take care of myself more than he does. Now, at this time, if I want to dream, I won’t get pre-cramps starting around the 13th. If I want to be realistic, then I’ll know better and that I will, cuz like I said, water yes, but I don’t see how one can get pre-cramps and be pregnant.

Today, Tom will be working from 4:00 till they’re done. The great thing about it is that he’ll be getting $12 something an hour cuz this is overtime. This will really help with buying our families Chanukah and Christmas presents. We’d like to get my folks and Tammy and Bill mugs with our pictures on them, like we’d hoped to last year, but were too broke to.

I think that cuz I don’t get too many letters anymore, I may go back to copying them in. Not the ones Bob sends Kim, though. Of course, if she sends me any she got from him that are particularly funny, I will, but that’s a very rare occasion. We’ll see. If I do, I’ll probably just copy Kim and Bob’s into my written journals, but not the computer ones. Not unless it’s from a family member, Andy, or someone different.

Andy said Michelle got her letter and loved it, so maybe she’ll be sending off a letter to me. Andy dropped hints of having a big huge birthday letter for me. One where I think at least he, Michelle and that asshole Diane wrote.

I was thinking about my cousins Lori and Lisa. You know, my mom’s brother’s kids? I wonder what their lives are like. Is Lisa still married? Does she have any kids? I always thought Lori would be gay. I never heard any reports on her getting married, either. I also never heard any reports of Lisa getting a divorce or having kids, but who knows if my parents would tell me. The only reason, I think, that I knew that Lisa and my other cousin Polly were to be married, was cuz they had to drive up from Florida to be at their weddings. So, naturally, they told me why they were there at a time I wasn’t expecting them.

Tom says he thinks my folks may beat me in calling to wish each other a happy Chanukah, but I don’t know. We intend to call them, but I’m pretty sure they’ve made up their minds not to call me unless I call them. Why else haven’t they called?

Wow. I’ve got the place venting out and it’s actually getting warm in here. That’s good, though, cuz then we won’t freeze our asses off late at night and in the early morning. It’s like the reverse of how we do it in the summer. If we make it chilly at night, we don’t sweat like pigs as much in the daytime. It’s about 85° out.

Later...

Well, the birdies are out of seeds, but tomorrow we may get more. Meanwhile, I crushed some old Saltines I got sick of and gave them that. They like them.

I got something nice from the humane society. A 1997 calendar with dogs, cats and other animals. Tom says we can send them a $15 donation and that way they’ll keep sending stuff, while it helps animals.

Tom’s gonna be leaving in half an hour. Me? I’m just gonna veg out for the rest of the day and hope that next door doesn’t ruin it. So far, so good, though.

Later...

Tom’s gone to work almost an hour ago. It is such a gorgeous day out. It got hot earlier, but right now it’s gorgeous when you’re in the shade, when it’s dry and when it’s in the low 80s.

From the looks of it, next door’s been out all day.

Tomorrow, we’re gonna take off for Ma’s house at about 9 AM and we’ll probably get in sometime in the early afternoon. I’m sure it’ll be pretty noisy around there, but I won’t mind. I don’t have to live there and I miss seeing her. Even though the bulk of her conversation will be all about Nickolena and the one on the way, I hope we can stay there most of the day.

With Monday being Veteran’s Day, I hope next door doesn’t freak out like they did on Labor Day since most people don’t work that day.

I asked Tom, if I was pregnant and if my folks found out and spoke to me, if he thought they’d start up their bullshit and he said they may say something that I may take as being a negative statement, like, you don’t know what you’re in for. How can anyone not take that as being negative? I’d take it as someone telling me I didn’t know what I’m in for and that means that it’s nothing I could handle. Anyway, why worry about having to deal with something that won’t arise when I still know nothing will change God’s mind.

I’m still glad we started the job back up, but I think we’re glad for different reasons. He’s glad cuz it’s fun and he thinks it’ll make a kid. I’m glad cuz it’s fun and it makes me feel a bit more normal and like I said, I’d rather him do much more of the taking care of myself. God! I never thought I’d hear myself say that. I couldn’t stand Brenda and Kacey being all over me in the past and now I know how they must’ve felt.

I did something different the other night. I know this is gonna sound rather strange, but I had a little talk with Tom’s dad. I don’t know if he heard me or would or could help us, but I explained to him why I called on him and for what. I let him know that out of all those that have died, he’s the one I had liked the best and then I went on to say how we’ve been trying for a kid and that that’s what we want. I asked for his help, if that’s something he can do and would do, but you know what? God and the devil are much stronger and much more powerful than that of a spirit of a dead person, so if he could help us, he’s gonna have to get by God and I don’t think that’s possible. I’m sure God’s told him we can’t have a child and why.

Wendy called earlier with a computer question. I hope she doesn’t bug us with a whole load of calls.

Yesterday I left Kim a message and I haven’t heard from her yet, so I don’t know if she’s tried to call.

I had a weird dream the other night. Tom asked me if I’d prefer to get pregnant in the daytime or at night. I looked at him strangely and said, “Who gives a shit? As long as it happens.” 

I know I had a dream last night too, related to the subject, but can’t remember it. Oh, I just did. I don’t know where I was or who this lady was, but she was an older lady and we were waiting in some room together, cuz supposedly it was safer there. Safer from what, who knows? I started to mention something about the DES and sterility and she, I guess, was an expert on DES and was telling me that DES didn’t mean I was sterile. Then, if I’m remembering right, I was thinking something about how it was God who was sterilizing me.

After asking myself about the possibility of God not wanting us to hit it right yet, but eventually allowing us to have a child, I can’t think of why. If it is meant to be, then when? And why would it be not meant to be now? I don’t see what we could do to make ourselves readier. Besides, if he wanted everyone to be readier, then 8 out of 10 kids wouldn’t be born to the kinds of parents and lifestyles they’re born into. There are, though, certain rules that apply to me that don’t apply to most people, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. You know how I’ve said that God gives life to those who take life and how he admires those and blesses those who kill? Well, come to think about it, I doubt that’d apply to me if I killed someone. I’ve noticed that I always seem to get caught doing whatever it was I did and that there was always a price to pay. It seems I’d get punished for the littlest things, like sending weird letters to old enemies. Whereas, if someone else does worse, no problem. It seems it never comes back to them and that if they’re found to do whatever, there’s no price to pay.

I could flip someone off or call the guy next door a racial slur and I’d have to pay for it by having rotten luck for a while. Someone else, though, may win at least $50 in the lottery, have awesome sex, meet nice new friends, get a job promotion, etc.

Anyway, I still feel that when he started cumming, God sacrificed me by having me gain weight, and that’s also part of my punishment for wishing against him. As if not getting the kid wasn’t enough? It’s a hell of a coincidence that I’ve gained this weight and can’t fit into most of my clothes, anymore, since he’s been cumming. It’s worth it, though, and I did tell God I’d take some other bullshit if he’d let him be able or willing to cum. I don’t think the weight thing’s fair, though. I mean, that’s not a nice thing to do to someone you’ve sterilized. I thought the sterilization was gonna be the only compensation. At least I’ve been steadily weighing 102 and not jumping up to 104 or higher on a regular basis, but time will tell where it’s gonna go. Well, as much as I worry about my weight, I understand that being pregnant and being a mom means being fat and I’d think that God knows that to me, that’s a worthy cause.

Later...

I just looked back to when I had that spotting spell and it said that I had no water bloating or pre-cramps and that all I had was slightly sore tits. Well, if that’s the way my body has got to be beforehand, and if I’d believe his getting off on the 3rd could’ve done anything, I wouldn’t think so after reading that. I don’t have pre-cramps yet, but my tits are sore and I’ve got plenty of bloating.

I was right on the timing of the weight gain, too. It seems I said something about being 104 for the first time in a while. This was last August. The time before that which I mention being 104 was September of ‘95.

Maybe another reason God sterilized me was due to his wanting me to keep connected to my family for some reason, cuz I’m still pretty sure that if I had gotten pregnant, I’d have ditched them for being so negative and trying to make me feel like an incompetent, undeserving fool. This seems unlikely, though, so I still think it could be a combination curse and a protection thing. He obviously wants me to live. I can see that after coming so close to death a few times. After a few times of that, it does make you wonder. What have I felt about that? I guess I’ve always felt that he wanted me to live to experience both good things and take punishments.