I just got done watching a movie about something that happened to a 16-year-old girl that I can relate to in more ways than one. She was wilder than I was at that age. We had anger and hyper-activeness in common, but unlike me, she had a boyfriend who was quite destructive. They ran away together, and he broke into a store and they both got arrested. Naturally, the boy got off and the girl ended up lost in the abusive system’s hands, just like I did, cuz boys/males are favored by the system way more than any girl or woman could ever be.

She went through the same thing I did with having to deal with spiteful staff members on power-play. The girl’s social worker even had the nerve to tell her mother, who was trying to fight to get her out, that she just made a bad situation worse by her and her kid stirring things up. It ended up being in the paper that this social worker was no good, so naturally, she didn’t like it and said lies were being spread about her. Then out of spite, she lied and said that the girl was threatening suicide, so she was sent out of the Valleyhead-like place she was into a jail-like detention center. Finally, her mother’s fighting did get her out after a few months, but I wish my parents had fought for me like that. I don’t think they cared enough to, and I don’t think they would’ve had the resources available to them to fight for me if they did care enough to. This girl’s mother was fighting to get her home. My mother was fighting to get me out of Vermont and into some other place. I don’t know if it’s true about how she says she tried to get me out of Vermont, but it’s probably somewhat true. I was somewhat wild in Vermont, but there were times I was provoked by staff, especially my caseworker there, for no apparent reason. I was deliberately made to feel like I was being punished practically the whole time I was there and maybe when my caseworker would gang up on me for no reason, it was cuz of mom protesting my being there and so she took it out on me. Once the system gets you, they do everything they can to hang onto you, cuz they lose money if they lose people. In Vermont’s case, I’m sure they wanted to hang onto me cuz of insurance money. It’s either insurance money or pure power play. In fact, I remember that when I was about a week away from finally being discharged from Vermont, after being there for 5 months, I got on restriction for punching some girl. My caseworker was obviously not too happy with the fact that I was gonna be out of there real soon. It was like she was in denial about it and she even put me on restriction for two weeks, knowing full well I wouldn’t be there that long. She didn’t have it in her to say goodbye to me, either.

Then there was that time in 1986 or 1987, the first time I was living on Woodside Terrace when they held me hostage at the crisis center insisting I was suicidal when I wasn’t. They knew Medicaid would pay for my two-day stay there, so of course they insisted that. A lot of these state and hospital workers really get a kick out of having the power to confine a person whether that’s directly in their hands or not. All the caseworkers have to do, though, is tell whoever’s in charge of releasing people that the person’s not ready to be let go and their word will be taken at face value. It’s just like cops. If I were a cop, arrested someone, said they hit me even if they didn’t, other cops and the DA and law enforcement officials are gonna believe me.

Got a Bob letter which was typical, of course, and he just couldn’t leave out his number one obsession - sex. This time, though, he didn’t say much at all about the subject. Just that this nurse, who supposedly wants his body and whom he had sex with, which I know is bull, is trying to get in his pants, but he’s stopping her cuz he loves Kim. Yeah, right! Even if he did have sex with this nurse, if he loves Kim so much, why’s he stopping her now? Why didn’t he always stop her? It’s just another one of his bullshit fantasies, just like with Kim.

Apparently, Kim chewed him out again in her last letter to him about his big mouth and he said to me that he wasn’t gonna get into its contents, but that his nose bled for an hour after reading her letter.

Oh, please! Is that weird or what?

Once again, I am gonna get my period, so there’s no use in thinking otherwise, but this is the first time that I can remember my PMS tapering off without having gotten my period first. It’s supposed to work like this - you get PMS, it builds up, then you rag, then the symptoms ease off. In this case, my PMS suddenly hit me, then has eased off over the last 4 days or so. I only had that one bad spell emotionally. I’ve had very, very little pre-cramping yesterday and virtually none today. I’m still 102 pounds, too.

I just hope Tom can and will put his actions where his mouth is, the next time I’m mid-cycle, but you know all about the things I really want and that are too good to be true. The only thing I have that’s too good to be true is Tom himself, but that sure does help.

There’s got to be more bad catches to Gloria’s seemingly perfect life and how she seems to have it all. God hates some of us, God loves some us, God just likes some of us, but he compensates us all. My guess is that she has to have gone through, and is going through, much more shit than meets the public eye. Nobody’s that loved by God. God may hate me, God may have taken my right to a child out of compensation for Tom and other things, as well as to punish me, but no one’s loved as much by God as Gloria seems to be. God has hatred to go around for everyone, as well as blessings for some and he may hate some more than others, but he doesn’t love anyone 100%.

Later...

Oh, brother. Andy left a message saying that in a couple of hours, he wants to talk to me. Let me guess - he’s gonna get all pushy about calling the meeting line? I hope not, but it seems that the more I resist something he’s into or wants me to do, the more he pushes. Another thing is, is that I can’t seem to ever be able to get him off the phone. I tell him, Andy, I really need to not stay on the phone long, cuz I have stuff to do, and he just goes on and on. I guess he really is that lonely. God, if we had had a kid, I’d bet he’d feel really damn neglected and lonely, but I do understand where he’s coming from.