I have tons to write about, so I’d better get started and hope I can remember everything. Let me start with the latest news, then I’ll back up to yesterday’s day at Ma’s.

When I got in yesterday, I was dog-tired, so I didn’t check for messages. When I got up at 6:00 this morning, though, there was a message left yesterday afternoon from Lisa. I could’ve kicked myself once again.

So, at just before 7:00 this morning, the phone rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Lisa. I was so glad she called, cuz it was the perfect timing and I was worried about how I was gonna get word to her to let her know I missed her call but got her message. So, I let her know that there may be times I may not be able to get back to her right away and not to think I forgot about her or stopped caring.

After we were talking for about 20 minutes, I told her that this was gonna be on their bill and asked her if she’d ever seen a phone bill. No, she said, and she didn’t know how it worked. The funny thing about it was when she asked me if it’d say that she called. I said, no, but it’ll say that this number was called at this date and time. That worried Lisa, so I told her that if she was questioned about it, and she might not be, she could just say she was calling to talk about music or Spanish or something like that. So, I taught her how to make a collect call and told her that I’d refuse it and that’d be my signal to call her back, so it’ll never show up on their bill. We ran through the steps, so she could see how simple it was to do. Also, I told her that I’ve told Tammy in the past that she, Lisa or anyone from that household can always call us anytime, and they can call collect if they need to.

One of the first things Lisa told me, which was nice to hear, was that her parents have been nicer to her. She says it’s still hard for her to study cuz she has to do a lot of chores, which includes doing Becky and Sarah’s drawers. She says she doesn’t get enough sleep, so she’s cranky. She says her mom bitches at her for taking so long to do her chores but says that that’s cuz Tammy wants it done perfectly. Yeah, you could say Tammy would be pretty picky about stuff like that.

Anyway, she told me that this girl Stacey, whom she’s had problems with for quite a while, was making fun of her for having kidney infections and that Stacey didn’t believe she had really been sick. I asked her if she told her mom and she said she did and that her mother was angry about it. She says she doesn’t know if her ma’s gonna talk to Stacey or Stacey’s mother, but that she intends to do something.

I also let Lisa know that should her mom and I end up not talking for whatever reason it’s got nothing to do with her and that she’s still welcome to call me anytime, and that goes for the others, too.

Then she went on to say that she felt she could trust me and asked if I’d be mad if she asked me a few things. Of course not, I told her. So she told me she was up in the attic and found pictures of Tammy and Joe. Joe’s her real dad back in Texas. I don’t know why Tammy would have pictures of him around, since she hates him, but anyway, Lisa told me that she, too, is angry at Joe for what he did, doesn’t want him to be her father, but is simply curious about him. There’s nothing wrong with that, I told her. She says that her mother isn’t too happy about it and said something really mean to Lisa like, “You’re gonna be another Joe D and if you want to know about him so bad, I’ll kick your ass right down to Texas with him.”

I can’t believe Tammy would say something so mean and cruel, but I told Lisa that her bringing him up probably brought back bad memories for Tammy and that I’m sure she didn’t mean anything mean by what she said. So, I told her, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know about him, but that she should wait till she’s of age, then find out what she can about him and keep it a secret. She said that’s what her social worker told her to do. The one that’s a social worker at her school that lives near her.

Lisa told me that my mom and my dad bitched her out and screamed at her like never before for wanting information about him and that Lisa just couldn’t defend herself and explain her feelings to them and have them understand her. That’s a really mean and raunchy thing for my parents to do, but of course, I didn’t tell her what I really think of them or what Tammy said, cuz the last thing I want to do is put more walls up between her and other family members. There are already enough walls and Tom pointed this out, too.

On the other hand, as far as Joe goes, since Lisa’s never been pregnant while under the abuse of a lying guy who was already secretly married, it’s hard for Lisa to know the pain Tammy went through.

Lisa told me she was pretty mad when she was in Florida having to listen to Tammy, my folks and Marty and Ruth gang up on me and not only am I never gonna forget how my folks dumped our problems on Tammy, but I can’t believe they had the nerve to do this in front of Lisa. Can’t anyone go to the source of their problem, rather than discuss it with a million other people? Still, I have no desire to be buddy-buddy with my folks or Tammy or even see them again. I think what they did was wrong, deceptive, ignorant and wimpy and I’ll never fully trust them again. Just cuz two people created and gave birth to me doesn’t give them an excuse to do the things they’ve done and these people just aren’t my type and I just don’t want to associate with them any more than needed. Not that there’s a need, either, but when Lisa asked me about my relationship with Tammy and my folks, I simply told her that they’ve been a wonderful help to me financially and with getting me out here, but we don’t see eye to eye very often.

Lisa said, “But it made me mad and I was like - leave her alone - when I was listening to all this.” I told her I knew all about it and that I was mad, too, but you can’t make people talk about certain things or not talk about certain things. She also tells me that ever since then, Tammy and my parents have been the best of friends.

Yeah, I’m sure they have been. They can have each other!

Then she told me that she and her ma were sitting somewhere one time when Tammy noticed that in a notebook or something, Lisa wrote about feeling suicidal. Tammy’s look then turned to that of sheer worry and told her that her aunt tried to commit suicide. Lisa tried asking about it, but Tammy just told her I’d had a lot of problems. So Lisa asked me if I’d tell her about it and I did. I told her I took some pills at around her age and that I jumped when I was 17 and that she better not even think about it, cuz it’s not worth it, she’ll more than likely only botch it up, and that broken arm I got really hurt. So, she promised me she wouldn’t commit suicide and I promised her I wouldn’t either. I also told her that we all have our bad times and that just the other day I said to her Uncle Tom how I felt like I ought to just drop dead. Then he told me I promised to be with him forever and that I made a promise to be there for her. Lisa said she was glad I didn’t die and I said I was too, or else I’d never have known Lisa, got to Arizona, and met Tom.

I told Lisa that if she can’t keep a journal and have that be private, she should write down notes as to all that’s been going on and send them to me once she gets a few pages done. Also, do not write ‘Dear Aunt Jodi’ or ‘Dear Whoever’ on it so no one will see it, and we can talk about whatever she wrote when we get the chance to over the phone. I think that’d be better than me sending a letter somewhere.

She also says she wants to get out here so bad, whether it’s next summer or the one after that. So I told her that even if she can’t make it out here till she’s of age, better later than never and I reminded her how I never thought I’d get out here and how I was 26 when I did.

Then she told me how she likes to dress like I do and how she doesn’t prefer the conservative style. She said her mother told her that if she wanted to dress like Aunt Jodi (that part made me laugh), she’d have to wait till she was older.

I told Tom that once again, it looks like my destiny is to help kids and he said that it could be a small part, leading up to my destiny. I wish I could know he was right on that one, but still, I don’t think this is a small thing for Lisa to know I’m there for her and it surely is a big thing for me to see her happier after our chats.

Later...

I can’t believe how quiet it is for a Sunday afternoon around here. I haven’t heard next door or the kids and dogs two yards down. Not even anything off in the distance. At Ma’s place, though, it’s really rocking. There are tons of kids all around her and they’re out all day long and even all night long.

After returning from Ma’s place yesterday, this house seemed so much bigger. It always seems so much bigger after returning from her place. Her place is even smaller than the apartment I had on Woodside Terr. That was the second-biggest apartment I had.

Well, I got all the laundry done and the dishes. I tidied up in here too, so now I can write some more.

Tom asked me if I had time for a quickie this morning. I didn’t think he was up to that, I said, and he said he was always up to that. Well, we’ll see cuz I told him I had a feeling that quitting this job meant going back to having occasional sex. He said no it won’t, but that I may try to make it into that. I don’t think so. I told him we can have sex anytime he wants to.

I’m still not sure if it’d be the right thing to do as far as having sex during the 2nd and 6th, but I think Tom will decide that for me when he’s tired or hurt. A part of me wants to, but I know he wouldn’t cum. A part of me wishes he would cum more often during the right times cuz I really want to get on with that final step and a part of me says, no, don’t do it, show God you’re ready and willing to go along with him. Maybe I’ll leave it up to God and Tom. That’s all I really can do since I can’t make Tom do it at those times and do it and get off. This is up to him and God and if it wasn’t, it’s still out of my control.

Anyway, I think he may’ve been able to cum this morning (I am right after my rag), but then he had to stop cuz he had to get in the shower and to his ma’s place to take her to church. Once again, I wish other people’s needs wouldn’t come in between our needs and wants, but they do and I’m sure they always will. Helping others is great and the idea of it really appeals to me more and more, but I guess I still wish that Tom could do more for himself, I could do more for myself and we could do more for ourselves, but that ain’t meant to be.

I just don’t really like it when Tom talks about having more sex, cumming more often, any more than I do when he goes on and on about the kid, cuz I feel he’s kidding us both and just telling me what I want to hear. However, if this is what he believes and wants to say, it’s his right to do so. He still swears there’s nothing wrong with me and that there’ll never ever come a time when he’s gonna tell me he agrees with me about being sterile. What’s he gonna do then - make sure we never hit it right for sure?

Anyway, yesterday at Ma’s went to show how smart Tom is. He can do anything. What we really had to do with the shower was put in a shower surround. The walls were getting water-damaged, so we cut the pieces and I helped by using a caulking gun to put adhesive on the plastic pieces. It’s called liquid nails. Then he used caulking on the seams.

Ma paid him and gave me $10, but I gave it to Tom, figuring it would be needed for bills and food.

Ma really loves to do those word find puzzles and I gave her some more puzzles that I don’t want, as I’m a bit picky about the puzzles I do. It’s a great thing for her too, cuz what else can an old lady living alone do with her time? She is picking up again on her sewing now that she’s had her hands operated on, so that’s nice. I think a great Christmas gift for her, though, would be a variety of different puzzle books. She also likes crosswords. Yuck.

Ma was taking care of a little dog who was quite cute and friendly but stunk like hell. The dog belongs to some old lady that used to live on her street and I guess she already came and picked it up.

I was psyched to have weighed 101 earlier, but as I knew I would, I went right back to 104 after eating a lousy TV dinner.