I haven’t been feeling too good these last couple of days. I’m feeling more and more like I wish I could just drop dead. I just don’t have the guts to act on this idea due to what happened when I jumped. I’m afraid that I’ll just botch it up somehow and get another broken arm or worse.

I really, really believe with all my heart that I’ve done my time here. There’s nothing more I can do. I feel that if I were dead, I’d be the dreamless, goalless person I always wished I could be. No more would I feel so sad, angry, frustrated, or incomplete. I can’t help myself and no one else can help me. I feel that if I were dead I’d also be saving a lot of people a lot of time, hassles, and money. If I live, I’m just gonna feel these emotions almost every day and be nothing but a burden and an expense to Tom. If I live, though, I’d just be fulfilling my destiny - taking up space on this earth. Maybe not, though, cuz this thing with Lisa really got me thinking.

Yesterday Lisa left me a message while she was alone at home with a UT infection at 7:30 our time. I could’ve kicked myself for ignoring the phone like I did, cuz it didn’t seem to ring long enough for someone to leave a message. I figured she was alone when she called and I didn’t get to call her back till around 2:00 our time. I figured by then she wouldn’t be alone and she wasn’t.

I asked her if everything was OK and she said no. She couldn’t really talk to me then cuz both Tammy and Bill were around. I told her she could tell Tammy I just had to call her about music and she and I talked about things like that and other stuff that wouldn’t cause suspicions about why I was calling. She mentioned something about writing me a letter about all that’s been going on and having me send back a response to it by sending it to some friend’s house. She said to give her a couple of days to think about who she can trust. She better be able to trust whoever she chooses cuz the last thing I want is to make more trouble for her or her family. I told her that if I sent a letter somewhere, to rip it up after. She said she would.

She can’t write in a journal, she says, cuz Tammy reads it. Yeah, I believe that. She was always trying to and asking to read mine. I’m sure she got her reading pleasure when she was packing my shit at the NHA. Maybe even Dad did too, but I don’t know.

She was home sick that day and she said she thought the infection was her fault. I told her that that’s not so and that those kinds of infections are common.

On her own, without my bringing up the subject first, she was telling me all about how she’s working on growing her hair and that it’s now just past her shoulders.

We also threw some Spanish at each other and she told me it was cold there and that they did get snow.

It is amazing how much of the old and current me I see in her. We really are a lot alike. She said even Tammy told her so, but I don’t think that Tammy necessarily meant that as a compliment. The funny thing about it is that Lisa now thinks we even look alike. She said something about having pictures of me in her room and someone asking if it was her and she told them it was me. Ha! Sorry, but we don’t look alike.

Just like I did at her age, she was telling me how much she hates it there and wants to live where the weather’s warmer. I still really believe she’s gonna end up out here someday and she, too, wishes she could come out here for the summer. She doesn’t think Tammy will go for it any more than I do, cuz Tammy will probably think she’s too young for that, as well as that I’m some incompetent fool who couldn’t deal with Lisa. I still think Lisa wouldn’t give me the kind of hard time she gives her mother and teachers.

I told Lisa that all she could really do was just do her best in school, get through school, and then do whatever she could to get out here and maybe her parents would help. I also reminded her that I never thought I’d get out here and I did. I told her that, of course, she’d have to get a job and a place to live, but it could be done. I suggested that she might think about telling her mom that if she did well in school and showed her that, then maybe her mom would let her come out here. Maybe they could make some kind of agreement as far as that goes.

Lisa really wants me to go to her, but I explained to her that it was a question of time and money, as well as the fact that New England holds a lot of bad memories for me and that I wouldn’t be too surprised if I never went back there. I just didn’t want to lead her on about that.

By the end of the conversation, I had her much more cheerful, which was nice to know. She and I really miss each other, and I’d say I definitely miss her, my brother and his family, and Kim the most. Whereas the idea of seeing my parents and Tammy really makes me uncomfortable.

We talked for nearly half an hour, so I’m not sure if I’ve forgotten to mention anything else we may have discussed, but if I remember anything else, I’ll add it.

Meanwhile, after telling Tom this morning, why I felt like it was time for me to go, he mentioned my promise to him which was to stay with him forever. Also, I don’t see how, but he says it’d affect both our families in a pretty bad way if I were to kill myself and that I promised Lisa I’d be there for her.

This is when Tom told me that I was Lisa’s role model. He says it’s probably mostly a subconscious thing with her, but that she is trying to take after me in a lot of ways, and he reminded me of how much alike we are. He said that if I killed myself, there’d be a good chance she would, too.

I had no idea, once again, and just like when I left there, how much I apparently meant to Lisa. I would guess that I’m the person she trusts just about the most and it does look like she not only is just like me but is trying to be, too.

Then something hit me. Maybe I do have a purpose here. Yes, I was right all these years, I’m not meant to have a kid of my own, but maybe I’m meant to help other kids like Lisa.

I still truly believe that yes, God does hate me, I had to have done something very wrong in his eyes that’s way worse than a mass murderer, but what that is, I don’t know yet. At the same time, maybe he’s not just trying to punish me. Maybe the reason why he’s been “throwing kids in my face” and sending me all these “kid signs” is cuz I’m supposed to be living for other people’s kids. It always seemed that way, anyway. How do I feel about that? Well, I guess I have mixed emotions. I still feel controlled and gypped and the bulk of my life has been catering to others, being controlled by them, and not really able to do for myself. However, it is a great feeling to help others and there’s nothing wrong with it, so maybe I should look at a life of catering to others, especially other people’s kids. Maybe God’s been trying to tell me all along that this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

So, I’m kind of on a new mission here. I went from wishing I was dead, to wondering if I should pray to God to curse me in some other way in exchange for a kid, to wondering if I should pray for my periods (cuz I know that’s a prayer that’ll always be answered and that’d be the only way I could maybe feel loved by him), to wondering if I should pray for him to help get me through these bad feelings and get over them. It’s time to move on. So, I accept God’s hatred and that this is never gonna change. Neither is my destiny and a kid of my own isn’t in it. So, my mission is these two things: to prove to Tom, God, and mostly myself that I can get over never having a child, I can get on with life, and not always have these bad emotions and hard feelings about it. Also, to see what I can do about working with kids. Tom told me that it’d be best for me to wait till the first of the year to work, cuz he’s gonna be working a lot of overtime till then, and that way it’d be easier to get me to appointments.

I really, really do want to “be good by God,” so to speak, do what’s right, forget about a kid of my own and just be able to deal with it and accept it and help other’s kids. It really is a good feeling to see the difference I’ve made in Lisa’s life. Even she said she was glad she had someone who cared about her.

There are so many kids out there who could use my help and I think God would be really proud of me if I even avoided sex during the more likely time frames of conception, even though I’m sterile. It’s just the principle of the point, though. I think that if he sees me stop resisting his plans for me and just go along with them like a good girl, I’ll be much happier in the end.

Tom keeps telling me I am normal and don’t need medication. Well, I don’t feel so normal, but I think I’ll feel a lot better if I stop trying to fight God in my mind and just go with his flow for me and patterns. In other words, if something else were to come along tomorrow that I want just as bad, I’m gonna know I’ll never be allowed to have it, try my damnedest to accept it and not resist it. In fact, I’ll try to make myself walk away from it, just like I’m gonna try my hardest to “walk away” from having a kid, even though there’s nothing to literally walk away from.

I’ve just got to tell myself, hey, God doesn’t think I deserve a kid, therefore, I should try to “listen” to that, understand it, and do what’s right and possible in God’s eyes.

I think that the less I try to fight God, either in my mind or by my actions, the happier I’ll be.

Of course, Tom still feels the opposite. He’s still sure I’m OK and that we’ll have a kid. Maybe another reason why he’s afraid to let this appear too obvious is cuz he’s afraid I’d leave him. That’s bullshit, though. I’m not gonna leave him just cuz we can’t have a kid. I still feel, though, from what I’ve seen and sensed that our not having a kid won’t be any loss to Tom. I think he can live just fine without it. He’s never seemed to be the type to want that nearly as bad as me and I’m sure he could take a kid or leave a kid. I don’t think it matters to him either way, at this time.

I still hope that someday, I’ll know why God hates me so much. Was it cuz I jumped out the window? Was it cuz of the prank phone calls? Is it something my ancestors did? Could God really hate gays? But he’s let other gays and bisexuals have kids, so was it cuz they just didn’t want it as bad as me, or what? Maybe I did live a life before this, did something so terribly wrong in that life, and am paying for it here. Whatever it was I did wrong, it had to really, really bad.

My life hasn’t been the worst, but most of it’s been bad enough and I surely would never want to relive it. For God to allow me to have gone through what I went through as a kid and to have gone through so much abuse, bad emotions, physical shit, live in places I’ve lived, been so broke and hungry, not even help me, or allow me to help myself ever or for years - that takes a lot of hate.

And Ma says she felt guilty about my ear till I was around 10? Well, something Tom said made me feel a bit guilty about it. It’s not Tom’s fault, though, but he says Tammy’s always been jealous of me and always will be. This is supposed to have stemmed from all the attention I was supposed to have gotten when I was really little. If I had just been normal, though, then maybe poor Tammy wouldn’t have to feel the way she did or still does. And that goes for my mom, too.

Yesterday Tom had me really confused. He said that he thought it’d be best to just deal with day-to-day life, get through the holidays and not plan anything till the New Year. He said that then he’ll go along with whatever I plan and he’ll stick to it. So I said to him, “Well, you must believe me somewhat, or else why would you talk about me planning.” 

Then he said something about that if he could get me to calm down till then, I’ll see that there’s nothing to plan. Oh, there’s nothing to plan, alright. Not in the way he’s thinking about it. See, he thinks that if we just live life day to day and don’t plan anything, a kid will result naturally from that. But I do live my life day to day. So, I asked him if living my life day to day meant shut up about the kid and not be upset about it in his book and he said no. Well, I do live day to day. I’m alive, aren’t I? And I don’t see how not planning for a kid will help us, any more than planning would. I mean, the extra sex was lots of fun, but a kid isn’t meant to be, no matter what we think, do, say, plan, don’t plan, or what our attitudes are. If a kid was going to happen “naturally” it would’ve already happened.

Later...

Just got a letter from Kim, who says not to give up on getting pregnant, cuz it usually takes several months. Yeah, it usually takes 1-4 months and we’re going on month 6, so that tells me something.

Anyway, my new year’s plan will be what my only choice can be for it to be and that’s to keep on getting through not having a kid of our own, get on with life, help other kids and that’s it.

I want to return to having sex for just fun only. I hope, though, that this doesn’t mean that sex will be 2-4 times a month, though, but I know how much Tom likes spontaneity and I don’t like the idea of him doing the job just for me. I mean, that’s sweet of him to think of ways to make me feel better, but I don’t want him to plan if he doesn’t want to plan. He told me he feels pressured and that he feels bad if I get one more period. Well, I’m gonna be getting a hell of a lot more than one more period, I don’t want to pressure him and I know he couldn’t get off during the time frame, sterile or not. I really don’t think he’s that ready for a kid now, even if we could have one. If he wants to be tired or hurt during that time frame, whether it’s legit or not, let that be the case then. I’m sure it’ll be no problem, but I’ll even try to see that we don’t screw during those times for two reasons. I think it’d make Tom more comfortable if we didn’t. And I also think it’d please God to see me going along with him and not trying to resist him.

Tom was telling me that these loud bassy stereos are a new technology that didn’t exist a couple of years ago, it’s everywhere, I’ll always hear it, and even Stevie hears it in Paradise Valley. Yeah, and I’m sure this so-called new extra bassy technology is completely male-made, based on people’s obsession to be heard. I’m surprised this is legal. After all, it seems it’d be a dangerous thing, cuz then how can these people hear sirens over it?