Well, Bunny finally figured out how to get out of the cage. When I woke up, she was hanging around in the back room. So far, and miraculously, I haven’t found anything damaged and I hope neither of us ever does. Tom brought some screen in that was in the garage and I laid that across the top of the cage. Then I weighed down the corners with books.

We had fun yesterday, but he didn’t get off. I’m surprised he didn’t, but I’m still just about as sure as I can be that he’ll get off too soon, then too late. There have been times, though, where he did cum at the right time, so, that wouldn’t do us any good. As long as he has fun and as long as I don’t feel inadequate in bed like I used to.

I still really believe that this weighing 102-104 is my compensation for his getting off. It’s a worthy compensation, though. I know God wouldn’t change his mind, but if he did and let us have a kid, imagine what he’d do to me for it. If he didn’t have the kid come out all crippled or something, he’d cripple me.

It’s not a curse. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Those that committed suicide should’ve just hung on, cuz better days would’ve come. God doesn’t hate anybody. It’s for a reason. These words of inspiration keep going through my head over and over again. If this were true, then is it really true that God’s denied me a child cuz he’s just looking out for me and trying to protect me from being a bad mother? That doesn’t make sense, though, cuz he could make me be able to handle it and be a good mother. Also, what is it - a case of me not being allowed to be a bad mom if that’s what he thought, while millions of others are allowed to be? God quite obviously has no objections to bad mothers and he does give kids to those who can’t handle it. That’s why their kids end up in foster care or with other relatives.

I’m trying to be more creative with the way I think, but can’t come up with any more than the few theories I already have had for quite a while as to why my life is the way it is. I still can’t see this as anything else but a curse. How can there be a reason? Is it cuz I can’t keep a schedule? Well, if God didn’t hate me, knows how much I want a kid, then why can’t he make me be able to keep a schedule? How can there be a justified reason for his denying me a child and letting teenagers and all kinds of people who don’t deserve kids have them? What about all those people who don’t want kids that do have kids? It still makes no sense to me, other than that it spells out a sure and simple curse to me.

Mary says there’s a reason for kids getting molested/raped and killed.

There is? Now how can there be any logical and just reason for such a thing as that?

Mary also told me that she didn’t do anything to prevent herself from getting pregnant for two years, and then she had a miscarriage. Then two more years went by with unprotected sex before she had another miscarriage, then she needed a hysterectomy. So let me guess - in August of ‘98, I’ll have another spotting incident, then need a hysterectomy myself, right? Well, I wouldn’t mind a hysterectomy, since I can’t use my plumbing the way I’d like to. God may as well take that too, cuz there’s no point in my having to deal with periods. I just wish God and Tom wouldn’t tease me in the midst of what they’re doing. I wish they’d just do what they’re gonna do and that’s it.

Yesterday, Tom and I had fun and he didn’t get off, but he had a lot of pre-cum. I told him he was so juicy that had it been around my birthday and if I were OK, who knows? And then I know I saw this smirk on his face. I wanted to come out and say, “All right. What are you gonna do to me on my birthday, since your last one wasn’t so great and since I made the mistake of telling you that most of my birthdays suck? Are you gonna be too hurt and tired for sex? Or are you gonna think you’re getting my hopes up by wanting to screw, just to end up not getting off?” I guess I can’t stop him from doing whatever it is that he has in mind, can I?

Tom says he believes that negative thinking can hold you back and can produce negative happenings, but I disagree. I think that’s just superstitious and that fate is fate. Remember, there have been plenty of things I thought negatively about that turned out positive and vice versa. I was so sure I’d never get married. I did. I was so sure I’d be a singer. I didn’t.

I looked in the TV Guide but couldn’t find anything about those home courses for computers and stuff like that.

Later...

Andy and Lisa called me today. I also spoke to Tammy earlier and let her know that Ray, Tom’s oldest brother, who’s about 48, is in the hospital. They can’t figure out what’s wrong with him, and apparently, his body’s been doing some really weird things that no doctor has ever seen before. His heart stops beating and he’s bleeding from inside, but they don’t know where. They sent a scope down his throat and up his ass, and they’re still stumped. He may not make it, but time will tell what will happen.

I guess Thanksgiving at David and Evie’s is still on, though. Where we’ll be having Christmas is still unknown at this time, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’ll be at Ma’s.

We finally got our stamps. We got 20 Chanukah stamps and 20 Christmas stamps.

Andy called me and we didn’t chat about much. Just the usual.

Lisa called me collect like I taught her to do, I refused it and called her back.

This was one of our most positive chats. The only thing she mentioned going on is that she’s been having trouble with some classmates, but thinks it’ll work out. I hope it will.

She also says she still wants to be a singer but is really into weather and is thinking she may want to be a meteorologist. She thinks tornadoes are really cool. Me too, I told her, but neither of us would want to encounter one of those face-to-face. She thought it was really far out, as I did, that once again, we had yet another thing in common.

She had asked me about Joe, as I mentioned before, and she asked me if I had any information about him. Truthfully, I don’t know any more than she does. Just that he was Mexican, a cop, played guitar in a band for fun, was abusive, and a liar who was already married when he was with Tammy. Tammy got a call from her.

Andy was supposed to call me back. He had to hang up really quick to run and hide his pot, cuz his landlord showed up. Even if his landlord caught him smoking or smelled it, I’m sure he’ll do nothing about it. I’m sure he knows that the bulk of the population smokes pot and that he can’t stop Andy from living his own life.

We went to the library last night. I picked up another John Saul book I may not have read yet and another one similar to it by someone else. I noticed it was free to send away to be in Saul’s fan club, so I did. You get newsletters and information about upcoming publications.

I suppose I’m never gonna get a damn thing more from Gloria’s club.