Tom got in at 10 last night and crashed not too long afterward.

He won $90 at the dog racetrack! That’s great. He says that can all be play money for going shopping tomorrow morning. He said maybe he’ll find a book he wants. I hope so. Meanwhile, we didn’t split the money in any kind of way. We just decided that we’d get what we wanted till it ran out.

No new news about his family, so that’s nice.

We may stop by to see Carol and Steven before they return to California.

He went to bed after being up for around 19 hours and he said, “See you in a few hours,” and right away I thought, here we go again!

I really firmly believe that he just isn’t quite ready for a kid and is gonna start doing whatever he can do to make sure he’s too tired or too busy over the next 10 days or so, so he can’t have sex and can’t get off. I also firmly believe that he’s both teasing me and trying to “teach me life lessons” as far as patience, maturity, attitudes, dealing with life, etc. It could be a lot of factors and I think it is. I think he wants a new job first, more money, and God knows what else before he feels ready for a kid. He says, for example, that money would never have been a problem as far as a kid goes, but it’s not that easy for me to take him at face value. Why did he tell me he was so sure the job would produce a kid, then turn around and say that that’s not the way to make a kid and tell me that spontaneity is the way? The contradictions really frustrate me and piss me off. His stories, opinions, and beliefs seem to change just way too much when it comes to sex and making the kid. I just don’t know what to believe, anymore, or if he’s fully leveling with me about something he’s telling me or trying to explain to me. I’m tempted to ask him why he said he was so sure that the job would work, then say the opposite, but what’s the point? I’ve got to get myself into the habit of not asking questions when I can’t have a kid no matter what he does. If I see him avoiding me during mid-cycle times over the next few months, I’d normally ask him about it, but I’ve got to remember that if I see him do this, to tell myself to let him run scared or avoid sex then, cuz I can’t have a kid anyway, and fate is fate. If it were meant to be, it would’ve already happened and it wouldn’t have mattered when we screwed or when he got off.

I just don’t trust a lot of what he says. I never know if he’s gonna tell me the exact opposite of something the next day, or something that’s a little different from the original version a week later.

If he’s really trying to teach me any new attitudes or anything about life, it’s wrong. If I need or want to learn something about myself or life and make any personal changes, that’s got to be done by me. Someone can ask you for advice, but you can’t change or control people. He says that I shouldn’t try to change or control people, but this is exactly what I feel he’s trying to do to me. It’s not his job to change my ways. It’s up to me and me only to change anything about me or the way I go about life. Not my mother, not my sister, not Andy, not him, not anyone.

Maybe the way I feel confused by a lot of the things he says and does will help make my desire to have the kid we can’t have easier to live with. I mean, I just can’t live up to that list I wrote. I want to try to live up to it when I’m around him, but in here and in my own mind, no way.

I’m telling you right now what he’s gonna do over the next 10 days or so. So if I come back and write in that he did just what I felt he’d do, then obviously I do have grounds for my beliefs and theories and aren’t just a lucky guesser. I think that if you hit it right about a certain subject too many times, you can’t be just a lucky guesser. It can’t be a coincidence. I do hope, though, with all my heart, that I end up writing just the opposite of what I said I felt would happen. No one wants to be right in the wrong kind of way, but I’ve never been wrong yet on this one. Only about his getting off. Still, though, I’ve been 100% right about my not getting pregnant.

I’m almost tempted to make up an excuse for why I can’t screw if he initiates that from the 2nd to the 6th. I just don’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he’s not gonna get off those days, then kiss me frantically, while he tells me how close he was after being on top of me for only two seconds.

I just want him to quit fucking with my head, quit trying to change or develop me into anything else that he thinks is best for me, and just level with me. I don’t want his stories to keep changing so much, either. And if he’s reading this, I’ll be right for sure over the next 10 days. I know him very well enough to know just what kinds of things he’ll do the opposite of what I say and what he’ll do just what I say.

Oh, how bad I want to be dead wrong about how I believe he’ll treat me on my birthday and how I believe he won’t get off during the right times! Not a chance, though. I mean, I just can’t see it. Boy, would I be shocked if he did just one of these (which would probably be to treat me nicely on my birthday). But you know what one of my “life rules” is. If I want it bad, there’s a 99.9% chance I can’t have it.