Took my statin last night and felt just a little anxious, but not too bad. I took a chill pill at the end of my day more because I was having trouble sleeping than because I was anxious. I crashed just before 8pm. Then somewhere between 3:00 - 3:30 my heart booms me awake. My first instinct was heavy footsteps vibrating the place, then I realized it was my heart. So now I’m wondering if maybe the statins are to blame, though it seems unlikely they’d mess with me after 6 months, if there was still enough levothyroxine in my system to cause it, if it was just anxiety alone, if something was wrong with my heart, or several factors combined. I am so sick of the confusion, the questions and the what-ifs! Tom also tossed around the possibility that maybe my adrenal gland’s a little haywire and that’s what’s causing me to wake up with a racing heart. 

Then Tom got up a little after 4:00. I told him what happened and shortly after he comes running into the room and asked what time I woke up. As I told him, I couldn’t remember the exact time. Pretty sure it was no later than 3:30, though. That’s when he told me a 6.0 earthquake hit the Bay area and wondered if I wasn’t perhaps startled awake and that’s part of what made my heart take off on a run like it did, but I don’t know for sure what time I woke up like I said. Besides, even if it was the quake, I’ve been boomed awake by my heart a couple of times before. Tom, on the other hand, is such a heavy sleeper, the epicenter could be right under his bed and he’d sleep right through it. 

Although I haven’t taken lorazepam since being up, I have been anxious on and off all morning. This is truly frustrating as hell. I know I’m PMSing now and that doesn’t help, but still. This isn’t like me and I miss the old me! Both Tom and Tammy assure me it can be worked out, but how? And when? She says she’ll call later with tips guaranteed to help my anxiety. Well, regardless of what may be causing it, I’ll do anything. Anything that’ll work! 

Tammy pulled out her nursing books and asked me some questions about my meds and what I’ve been doing and I filled her in on dosages and how I’ve been trying different things to get at the core of the problem. She still thinks the worst thing I could do is not take the levothyroxine at all and says I should at least take it every other day. As for the statins, I don’t know what to do. This indecision is driving me crazy. I can’t wait to get in to talk to the doctor on the 3rd! I’m just sick of this shit. Totally and utterly beyond sick of it. 

Later… 

Right now we have more money than we need and we live in a beautiful house with more space than we need inside a safe and gorgeous gated adult community. It both saddens and frustrates me to know I can’t fully enjoy my life’s luxuries, luxuries I had to do without for so long and never thought I’d ever get to enjoy again. I have had slight but obvious waves of anxiety on and off all morning and finally took a chill pill over an hour ago. Now I feel great and the only thing to keep me from fully appreciating that is knowing it won’t last forever. Any second the tornado will be back to storm through me with its vicious slew of yucky feelings, both physical and emotional. 

It is definitely looking like it was indeed the earthquake that woke me up, though, and thank goodness I didn’t know beforehand an earthquake would wake me up as I can assure you that would’ve scared the living shit out of me. Same as if someone had told me before January 14th that I would be diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I’d have been like HashiWHAT??? I’d never heard of it before, though Tom has. 

Anyway, 8 people in my town have reported feeling the quake, so who knows how many others felt it that we don’t know about? Tom thinks it woke me up because I was just about due to get up anyway. I usually sleep the standard 8 hours despite not having a set schedule. I’m surprised Andy's mother and sisters didn’t feel it since they were closer to it. Hundreds of people in Sacramento reported feeling it and since I’m barely a stone’s throw over the city line, then yes, I probably did get earthquaked awake. 

I still don’t know what’s going on with me and as Tom points out, I may never know. There could be so many factors causing this, but he isn’t worried because it’s nothing dangerous – no matter how lousy I may feel at times – and all I need is just minor tweaking to help me. I hope he’s right! I might have to go on full-time anti-anxiety meds, but at this point, I don’t give a shit. Whatever it takes. I don’t care if I have to live in a bottle of happy pills to stay calm and happy and I don’t care if I get addicted. 

Tom and I went to Denny’s this morning. He got an omelet and I got steak and eggs. God knows we can afford it, though I went easy on the eggs due to the cholesterol. Pulling in almost $800 last week is much appreciated despite how tired he’s been and how shitty I’ve felt, and we felt we deserved a treat. We rarely dine out, but maybe just a few times a year. You never know how long you’re going to do well financially anyway, as I’ve learned. He’s made good money most of his life, but not all of it. 

Not sure swapping in money problems for health problems is the better deal, but that’s just how it is. Strange how things turn out, though. In 2011 we were discussing ending it together so we wouldn’t starve to death on the streets. Now we could get a decent living room set with just one paycheck. It’s also strange, and sad, how one’s life can change in just a matter of minutes. One day I was going about living my life. I’d just made the bed up. It was 6:15 on the morning of July 9th. By 6:30, life as I knew it changed for what I hope isn’t forever. 

Going to Denny’s always brings back funny memories of when Andy and I worked there back east. It wasn’t funny then, but it is now. We worked graves, and oh, the pranks we’d pull! I wasn’t always a very nice, considerate or patient person back then, and one night Andy noticed I’d been on break an awfully long time. “I’m not on break,” I told him, “I’m fired.” 

Some guy was demanding ketchup like I was his slave and not his waitress when I was trying to go on break. He wanted it “right now.” 

“Yeah?” I told him, “Well, I want a million bucks and I ain’t getting it. Life… you win some you lose some, buddy.” 

Management – uhem – didn’t think that was a very appropriate way to handle Mr. Gimme My Damn Ketchup. 

It was funny when Tom asked me something about how something was done there since “I worked there before,” and I was like, “I can’t remember half the shit that happened yesterday, so how am I supposed to remember 1989 unless it pertains to some stunt we pulled?” 

It’s amazing I was able to eat my entire T-bone since the stress has been sucking up my appetite a bit. I nibble more than I eat lately. I guess it was just that good, though a bit tough, and it’s not something I have that often. I’m still losing weight, though very slowly. God knows it isn’t from working out cuz I haven’t been doing much of that. Been too afraid to, not wanting it to elevate my heart even more. Still, I’d take 100 pounds just to feel better! 

Later… 

I guess the quake’s epicenter was 6 miles deep and could be felt for 100 miles. 90 people have been to the hospital and tons are without power. To think that I felt my first earthquake and was awakened by it is both scary and exciting. 

So many people have said that if they had to start all over again they’d never have kids because they are just so much work and money. If my rats’ could be as much work as they were this morning, I can just imagine what those with kids go through and am all the more glad I never had any. Yeah, these furry guys really made me work my butt off cleaning tubes, hideaways and burrows, not to mention changing the bedding itself. 

What sucks is how winded and jittery I’ve become lately. I wonder if I’m falling out of shape due to a lack of physical activity. One of the reasons I like to keep working out, whether I lose weight or not, is to stay in shape. To be able to do things without getting tired or out of breath. I really should at least make a point of running on the treadmill if only for a few minutes a day. 

Tom and I went to Raley’s because he needed cash and we got a few things there that we couldn’t get at Walmart. 

Tom and I relaxed in bed reading together. Well, I read and he played a game on his tablet. I tried not to ask myself how I would ever again be able to take medication without fear. I had some back pain when I got up and wondered if I’d suspect the meds if I were still on them. I probably would. “Humans have aches and pains,” Tom reminded me, but his wife is very hyperaware now and questioning everything. God, next thing I know I’m going to be questioning a spot on the wall and wondering if it’s an alien come to study me from outer space. :(