Had a sad dream last night where for some reason I wasn’t able to live with Tom. I’d only known him 15 years, though, not 21. I don’t know who I was living with, but every time he would come and visit me I found it very hard not to beg him to take me with him. 

Then there was another dream where I was walking my bike, which was having problems. I stooped to try to fix it when I overheard a woman’s voice through an open doorway. Although I could hear her clearly, I don’t remember what she said. I just wanted to hurry up and fix the bike so she wouldn’t spot me and think I was eavesdropping. 

I felt wonderful yesterday and so far today, too. Just a little shaky my first hour and then I was fine. Thinking I might skip the lorazepam tomorrow. As I always try to, I’m making a point of focusing on positive, happy things and thoughts as others have suggested to me and as I naturally try to do anyway. Sometimes bad things get in our faces and there’s no avoiding them, but when the choice is mine I choose positive over negative. 

We’re having another cool, cloudy day where it looks like it may rain but never does. At least not yet anyway. Very unusual for August. Wanting to get out and get some fresh air, I went out and pulled my bike out. I miss riding regularly. I’m just hesitant to do so till I make sure the anxiety attacks aren’t going to return. Each day that they don’t, I feel a little more confident. But confidence takes time, so I thought that rather than do a 2-mile round around the park, I’d just make 5 rounds around the circle which would be a mile. But after just one round, Virginia was heading toward me. 

Not surprisingly, she was curious about why the paramedics were out last month and I told her I accidentally took too much of the levothyroxine I was given for hypothyroidism. I had to laugh when she said that now she could tell everybody what happened. When you live in a retirement community, people tend to know those around them and feel a sense of concern and curiosity not often found in regular neighborhoods. 

Anyway, it turns out she’s on the exact same meds. Also, she was given the same thing for anxiety and both she and Bob take statin medication. 

She kept saying I look great and that it’s her fault that she never loses weight because she loves to eat. Me too, though as long as I’m not in the obese range I’m not worried about it. I wasn’t going to tell her that, though, cuz she clearly is obese. 

She asked again if we could hear them and what my schedule was and what I did and all that and I told her that I don’t really have a schedule. I also told her all I hear are car doors and landscaping but nothing else. Told her I write and do artificial intelligence work online as well. 

I asked her if she noticed more loud car stereos and she said not so much as vehicles that are loud themselves. Yeah, there does seem to be a lot of loud pickups and even some cars. I’m still amazed at just how much traffic goes through this park. 

I asked about the first people in here before the last couple and she said it was a woman named Fay who lived alone but was very active. Alone in a house this big?! A 1-bed, 1-bath would be just fine for me if I were alone, but just like some people who have had kids say they can’t imagine life without them, I can’t imagine ever going back to living alone like I did for about 9 years prior to meeting Tom no matter what the size of the place may be. Anyway, Fay moved to another state and died in her 90s. “No one that lives in your house dies young,” she told me, LOL. 

They’re from Minnesota and I told her we sometimes think of hitting Florida when he retires, but don’t know if we really will or not. So much can happen in the next 13 years. 

When I told her I was originally from Massachusetts and that Tom was originally from Arizona, which was where we met, and how we spent a few years in Oregon before coming to Cali, she said she thought my accent sounded northeastern. Yeah, I guess that no matter how many years I live in the West I’ll always sound like a  “Masshole.” 

Her SIL’s from England and we got on the topic of accents and languages. I threw a few lines at her in Spanish, Italian and German and she agreed it must come in handy to know. It does. Plus it’s fun. Learning languages is hard but has always been like a game to me as well, and I play it well, too. 

I was complaining to Tom that the levothyroxine makes my periods heavier, but as he reminded me, they make them normal. Three days is normal for a woman, not those late periods I would get that would flow heavy for just 5 hours and then spot off to nothing in a day. I thought it was menopause setting in even though I’m still kinda young. 

“Is there anything you can’t do?” Someone anonymously asked this on Ask and I swear I’ve been asked this before. I smell Mrs. M in this one. It’s the first name to pop into mind anyway. 

Then someone, who appears to have asked Aly questions as well, was asking me about blogging and if I made a decision as to where I’m going to blog and all that. Kim? 

I asked Aly if she thought some of the poorly worded questions we’ve both gotten could’ve come from Kim, and she wasn’t sure. She says Kim claims Ask doesn’t work for her but isn’t sure what to believe and knows she has to tread lightly where Kim is concerned. Kim is such a people pleaser that she can’t tell facts from lies when she talks to her. We both agree Molly is the lesser of the two evils. Molly may follow and sometimes contact you, but she isn’t the vicious stalker Kim can be, and Molly is always Molly. But even Molly needs some restraints of caution, as Aly admits. She’s changed, yes, but she can still get a bit clingy and demanding. 

Aly was thrilled to get my email. I admit I do miss our chats and speculating what the trolls are up to. She has too much good to just throw away forever. I think she’s just a little confused as to what she wants and what’s best for her and can be very softhearted and forgiving. She swears she never tried to sabotage my friendship with Adonis or hack into any accounts. She also says she didn’t mean anything malicious in not being forthright about the trolls and can totally understand why I felt the way I did. She said she never had Molly added while we were friends on Facebook. Kim, yes, but she had me blocked since she always loves to play the victim when it comes to those she’s harassed. 

Andy still drives me nuts at times with the same old, same old shit. God. Food. Celebrities. It’s like that’s all his life is about; his delusions about God, his beloved food, and the celebrities he worships so damn much. Really hope he can leave these things at home when he comes to visit. 

Tammy's doing better but is tired. Mark’s lonely up in CT waiting for the house to close and the girls haven’t even seen her since they moved down to FL. They just got jobs, so I guess they’re preoccupied with that. Plus, I notice that typical selfishness in them that we all experience in our 20s where we don’t really appreciate our family much. Oh, they appreciate the hell out of each other and I’m sure they see each other all the time. But when it comes to parents (other than their abusive dad) and aunts, they really don’t care much. I’ve noticed long ago that I hear way more from people in other countries that I’ve never met than I ever will from my nieces. In some ways, this is a good thing, though, cuz then I might have to hear all about the prick that will hopefully croak of its cancer soon. 

Becky and Sarah are strange. It’s like they’re more than sisters. It’s like they’re soul mates. Probably due to their looks, they only have each other. I just can’t imagine either of them ever dating, especially Becky.