So I get up, check my blog visitor list, and wowee! There's my cousin Polly again after a looong time. But wait. Could that really be the one who never gave a damn about me as a child or as an adult? OMG, you mean now she suddenly gives a shit about me and what's going on in my life?! 

But, but, but, if that were the case then why did she search for herself? The fact that she doesn't have the guts to contact me directly makes me wonder just what's going on in that little brain of hers. Not only did she search for her own self, but the town I grew up in as well, and a name I do not recognize. Oh, and she searched "abortion," too. Who the hell does she think had an abortion? T'wasn't me. 

Well, folks, maybe someday my dear cousin will actually become brave enough to work up the nerve to contact me and tell me why all the sudden interest in my blog. Yeah... maybe... 

Later… 

I wish I could report that I’m all better now. No more racy hearts, no more having the runs, no more nasty emotions. But sadly, they’re still occurring on and off. My endo doc’s nurse called asking that I call in. I will later on. Guess she doesn’t want to give up on me. Or does she not want me to give up on her? I know I canceled the appointment in a distraught state, and it’s not like I want to throw my health away and give up on my health problems. I just needed to back off the pills to try to isolate the problem, but that’s just the thing, as Tom pointed out, there is no one problem. Yeah, the meds might’ve influenced the anxiety a little, but he believes that deep down my subconscious is causing my anxiety. He believes that because I was abused and conditioned to believe that I don’t deserve good things, it could be what’s stirring up this anxiety. Things are better than ever for us right now. I do get “suspicious” when things go well after so much hardship in the past, I will admit that, but on a conscious level I definitely don’t want to suffer, and I do believe that if anyone deserves good things, it’s us. I want to breathe easy and know I can treat my disease without fear. Tom also thinks that whatever I believe will make the anxiety stop. If I believe a new medication will do the trick, then it will stop. But that’s another thing I worry about; taking new pills and wondering what they may do to me. After 3 days, though, there may not be much left in my system, which would mean it was indeed much, more anxiety than the pills. That’s WHY I stopped the pills; to see if I could narrow it down at least a little bit. 

I hate having to pass messages through nurses and not being able to talk directly to the doctor, but I will call the doctor’s office once they open. They also want to schedule my ultrasound that checks for any signs of cancer or enlargement of the gland itself. 

I may put my dentist appointment on hold till I get all this other shit figured out. The thyroid and anxiety are way more important than my teeth. 

I just want to feel like myself again no matter what I have to do to achieve it. But I also don’t want to get so bad that Tom has to jeopardize his job to help me. Tom said I’m his number one and he can always quit and get another job in a couple of months, and while that’s really sweet of him, I don’t want it to come to that. I don’t want to end up like Robin Williams, deep in so much despair and beyond help. I don’t think I will, though. I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just want to stop feeling like shit. That’s all I want. Anything after that is just a bonus. 

As I told Tammy, I’d rather be struggling in Jesse’s dumpy old trailer and wondering why the hell I was gaining weight with diet and exercise, than feeling like such shit. Kind of surprised my weight hasn’t climbed since stopping the pills, but it’s only been a few days and it’s not like I gained a pound a day. Also, the anxiety is really lowering my appetite. 

I felt so good for a few hours yesterday morning after he left, rode my bike, said hello to Jim along the way who was out on his walk, then boom. Just when I thought it might be over, I was later sitting at my computer when my heart ramped itself up. I had to take a chill pill. I slept ok, though, but as soon as I got up, sure enough, my heart was racing. The chill pills don’t make me perfect but they help. 

For now, Tom and I agreed to send him quick updates throughout the day so I feel less alone. He reads them on his phone when he gets the chance.