“Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.” ~ Unknown 

Last night I dreamed we were living in Florida near my sister and her daughters. I guess we owned a house there and were going to consider selling it and moving into an apartment next to her. I also guess that I thought I’d be ok living attached to someone that I at least knew, and there was to be no one on the other side of us or above and below us. 

My mother was still alive because I was thinking of her being 30 miles away and wondering why she didn’t want to move to be closer to us. 

Tom had a week of vacation when it was agreed we’d stay at the apartment with the girls during that week and do various things during the daytime. I don’t know why everybody stayed there, LOL, but Tammy had 3 couches in her living room and one just outside of it alongside the kitchen counter. I slept on that couch while Tom, Sarah and Becky slept on couches in the living room, all on different walls. I could only see Tom from my couch, but not the girls. Off the kitchen were a dining area and a hallway leading to the two bedrooms and a bathroom. Tammy slept in her bedroom, as usual. 

I was frustrated because I lay there all night unable to sleep. When I finally did sleep, one of the girls noisily got up to use the bathroom and left the hallway light on, which woke me up, then Tammy woke me up when she came out into the kitchen. Exhausted, I asked if I could go sleep in the spare bedroom. 

“And piss everybody off?” she asked. 

I glanced at Sarah who’d just glanced from Becky back to me, realizing that it would be unfair if I got the comfy bed while everyone else (who didn’t live there) was stuck on couches. 

In an instant the scene “split.” It was like I was interrupted by me checking in at home. I wanted to check my email for any important messages cuz we didn’t have our smartphones with us. 

Next thing I know it’s getting dark and starting to rain. I realized I was barefoot but ran back to Tammy's that way; barefoot and in a sundress. I was running alongside a wooded area and wondered if anyone would stop to offer me a ride. A motorcycle pulled into a narrow drive in the woods in front of me, but no one stopped. 

After running for about 10 minutes I was back in the “scene” with everybody on their assigned couches and Tammy in the kitchen. Only Tammy had turned into my mother who was now in tears at the thought of losing us when I asked her if we could sleep at home but be back bright and early each morning to partake in the activities we planned for the week. I had to assure my mother we were just a few minutes away. “I ran it, after all, mom.” 

Later… 

Yesterday Tom trimmed our too many bushes and blew leaves out of the carport. It took a long time and if anyone around us wanted peace and quiet, they certainly didn’t get it for a while. But today, neither are we. Someone’s been sawing and hammering on and off and it does get annoying. Especially on a Sunday when things are usually the quietest. 

Since Romeo’s proven he can behave by not shoving bedding out of the cage like he used to do, we once again put them in the bigger cage. They seem to prefer that cage as it’s not only more spacious but they have ramps they can climb to get to the higher levels. Hoodie can scale the walls, but Romeo's gotten too old and too fat, and Sugar’s disabled. Hopefully, Romeo will continue to behave. This cage is a bit harder to clean, but it looks nicer. 

Yesterday evening a wave of anxiety swept over me. I was like, oh no. Just oh fucking no. But fortunately, it passed in less than a minute. It was the same shit – I started to feel dizzy and my heart started to race and pound. It’s a truly miserable feeling. I was totally dismayed to experience even just seconds of this shit. It felt like a bit of a setback to me and I later felt a bit depressed. Just knowing that these things can creep up on me anytime, anywhere, for any reason, is a really sucky thing to have hanging over me. But I know I have to learn to live with the damn things just like I’ve had to learn to live with other shit. 

Tom still feels I’ll get over this phase just as I have other things in life. Will I ever get over the what-ifs that still creep up on me at times? Feeling depressed or anxious can lead to some really nasty thoughts for me. Again every possible, horrible, miserable, scary, depressing what-if went through my mind last night and I just couldn’t turn them off. 

I didn’t know this (or maybe I did but forgot), but Tom has life insurance through his job and I could live alone for years if anything happened to him, although I can’t imagine ever wanting to. I honestly don’t see how I lived alone all those years before we met to begin with. It was tough, all right. Tom cheered me up in no time today, but when I was alone I didn’t have anybody to pull me up when I’d start to sink down in a pit of sorrow. Most people are happy to be a part of your life when you’re up, but you know how selfish and cruel they can be when you’re sad, scared or ill. They just can’t deal with it and will often blame the person who’s down and that only makes them feel worse being kicked down when they’re already down. 

Again my mind got stuck on imagining if I were suddenly told I had a terminal disease, what it may be like to die, and what kind of afterlife may await me, if there is such a thing. Tom pointed out that dying gets “easier” as medicine advances. Even with something as deadly and as horrible as the Ebola virus, they still expect to have a vaccine for it within a year. Still, it would be nice if all states treated dying people as well as they do dogs, instead of just Oregon and Washington. I mean I see Tom’s point, and I’m sure things will be even better 30 years from now, but it’s still something that’s playing on my mind too much, and the possibility of what, if anything, may lay beyond. Sometimes I feel like my life has become nothing but pills and fears of dying and death. I’m trying to change my outlook on things, but some changes take time. 

I asked if he thought the fact that I can’t be alone like I used to be meant I’ve grown weaker with time, but he doesn’t think so as opposed to just being different. He reminded me that people’s needs do change over the years, and well, I’m not in my 20s anymore. At the same time, he feels I could survive on my own if I absolutely had to, though it may take me time to adapt. Even if that were true, I can’t imagine wanting to. Live without the only guy who’s ever totally accepted and loved me without complaint, control or pushing me to be somebody I’m not? Who loves me when I’m up AND when I’m down and who always felt my absolute best was good enough, and even my almost best was good enough, too? 

And then I imagined the unimaginable some more and wondered if I’d ever be “trapped” between life and death if he were to go first. What if I didn’t have the guts to end it all for fear of botching it or something, but knew I couldn’t go on living either? 

Yes, I know this is a depressing entry. I’m sorry even though I’m not, since this is, after all, my journal. Still, I’ll tweet the link but won’t share it on Facebook. I don’t want too many others to drown in my sea of what-ifs along with me if I can help it, but on a positive note, I do feel much better at the moment. :) Both writing and having a loving husband are rather therapeutic. No crush could replace this guy, that’s for sure, and yes, I fully admit I’m still drooling over that hot judge, haha. 

Damn, was she glamorous and gorgeous! What wasn’t to like? Her makeup job was perfect, I loved her hair and the way its style suited her so well, full lips, eyes of chocolate, and perfect skin tone. Not too dark, not too light. I didn’t realize she was black at first. I thought she was Hispanic till the camera zoomed in on her and I heard her speak. She may be a little top-heavy body-wise, but I don’t care, LOL. 

Later… 

Another thing that had me depressed was my bike. I used to love to go out riding day or night, with or without Tom, and I hadn’t one single fear. But now I can’t even enjoy that much in the way that I used to for fear of an anxiety attack hitting me when my heart is already elevated. Tom thinks that the more I go out there and see nothing bad happens, the more confidence I’ll have. Hope he’s right! 

I almost considered canceling my dentist appointment, not wanting to be hit with one of those things while they were working on me, though my next appointment is just a check-up and a cleaning job.